For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Recently I have been working through Melissa Spoelstra’s bible study “Jeremiah,” The other day during one of our weekly discussions we were talking about the verse Jeremiah 29:11. While looking at the verse it made me wonder, what if our definition of “good” and “disaster” are different than his definitions. 

It reminded me of my miscarriages. 

January 2017, my husband and I went in for our twelve week ultrasound expecting to see our baby and hear his heartbeat, but that is not what happened. We found out that Francis, (we named all our lost babies to help give us closure) had no heartbeat and was measuring about 7 weeks. We were heartbroken and devastated. It did not feel like a good thing. It was heartbreaking, terrible, a “disaster.” We didn’t know how God could call that “good.”

After we lost Francis we decided to wait to try for another baby, because although we wanted that baby we knew we were not ready to be parents. In September 2017 we celebrated our first anniversary and decided that we were ready to start trying again.

Begin our waiting room journey.

At first we were having no success. Then, in March 2018, we had our second positive test. We went in at 6 weeks for an ultrasound. In my effort to manage my fear of another loss, I told myself things such like “if we hear the heartbeat early then we can do something to prevent losing this one,” and “if we find out early, it will hurt less if we find out there isn’t a heartbeat.” I didn’t want to start loving a new baby and feel that awful hurt all over again. 

There was no heartbeat. 

Or should I say heartbeats. 

At that ultrasound we found out there were TWO embryos, but neither (Samuel and Veronica) had a heartbeat and both were measuring a week smaller than they should be.

It did not hurt any less finding out so early.

I was angry. I was in pain emotionally. Angry that God finally allowed me to get pregnant, only to let it end with a painful result. I didn’t understand why He allowed this pain and hurt to happen. 

In my anger, I told myself lies such as if God let this happen, then He didn’t care about me. I began therapy. My therapist kept quoting Romans 8:28:

 “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God.”

 I kept asking her how this could be good? Why does God keep causing this pain?

My waiting room journey dd not get easier, later in 2018 we had another miscarriage (Jessee) bringing our baby loss to four. I struggled with my faith, asking God why we kept losing babies. 

Fast forward to January 2019…

Barb was in the process of writing her I’m Waiting, God bible study. As her assistant, I had the opportunity to be on her pilot team that helped Barb put the study together. During the third week of the study there was a journaling exercise asking us to list truths we haven’t told anyone. I prayed and asked God what my truth was and He pointed out my truth was “I don’t want a baby, I want one of the babies I lost.” 

That truth felt like a huge weight lifted because I realized that I was praying for the wrong thing. I had to let go of that dream - those lost babies -  and come to terms with the fact that I would not meet them in this lifetime. 

While I was writing the journal entry, I heard God speak to me. I asked Him why. He reminded me that He allows some things to happen so that we may be brought back to Him. God wasn’t the cause of my loss. We live in a broken and sinful world where sometimes we lose loved ones.

A week after that journal entry, we received another positive pregnancy test. However, this time, we had a positive outcome. My husband and I welcomed Sophie to the world in September 2019 - just a week after the launch of the I’m Waiting, God Bible study. 

So, how was my struggle “good”?

Looking back it was good that we did not have a baby at that time. Am I happy we lost any of those babies? No. Do I wish that having multiple miscarriages were not His plan? Yes. 

God knew the plans He had for me.  If we had had a baby at any of the times we were pregnant, we would have struggled a lot financially. While we were waiting, we paid down a lot of our debt which allowed me to work part time so that I could be home with Sophie more. 

The biggest blessing of His delay was that He brought me closer to Him. God worked these losses for my good. My faith was just coasting, doing the bare minimum, but through my losses I turned toward Him. I came back to Him. God knows the plans He has for me. 

His plan was good. He gave 2017 Katherine a future where she was able to spend her time with her baby, a deeper relationship with Him, and compassion and relatability she would never have had otherwise. 

For those things I am grateful to God.

My middle daughter, Sami, called me today because she was feeling embarrassed. She’s been laid off from her job and her wonderful boss is trying to help her find a temporary position.

However, Sami doesn’t drive and she walked to work. Any temporary job would be farther away from where she lived and taking an Uber twice a day wasn’t in her budget.

I asked her why she was embarrassed and she replied: “I don’t like having to ask for help for something that I should be able to do for myself.”

I could see her eyes shining as she spoke to me via video. She works so hard to be responsible and for now, she has a gap between what she has and what she needs. I could see her sadness shining in her eyes.

Maybe your eyes are shining with a few tears, too. The virus crisis has created a scary gap in your life between what you have and what you need…

You’ve got more month than money…

You have worry up to your eyeballs and you need peace…

You have other problems other than the virus crisis and you NEED help keeping yourself together!

We can’t remind ourselves of this enough: It’s okay for us to grieve the loss of the way that our life used to be. If you’ve got a scary gap that’s on your mind 24/7, don’t beat yourself up.

Sometimes, gaps and crisis reveal that we might be infected with another kind of virus, a spiritually-deadly virus. It's called the “I-can-take-care-of-myself” infection also known as pride.

For years, I’d rather die than admit that I needed help, especially when it came to finances or with my kids.

I had an ah-ha moment while I was writing my new Surrendered Bible Study this summer.

As I studied Jesus’ 40-days in the wilderness, Matthew 4:11 changed how I thought about asking for help.

 Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

After three tough temptations, Jesus tells Satan to get away from him and the angels show up to attend to Jesus. Imagine if the angels of showed up and Jesus said, “Nah. I’m good. I’m sure that you angels have other people who need help. I can take care of myself.”

How often do we say that? Most people who offer to help us are doing so because they want to help. When we offer to help someone, we don’t think less of them, do we?

Here’s the ah-ha moment that I had: Jesus said “yes” to help when it was offered.

After 40 days of hunger, spiritual tension, and demonic attack, Jesus allowed the angels to show up and care for him. He could have seen to His own needs, but Jesus was humble enough to allow the angels to give, bring, and provide.

Here are three takeaways that I want you to think about today if you have been struggling to ask for help:

1. You have permission to ask for help.

You may have grown up in a family that didn’t believe in asking others for help. I need to speak some truth to you: that is an attitude centered in dangerous pride. It's time to reject that lie and embrace truth:

If Jesus accepted help, you can, too. Keep telling yourself that.

Ask yourself if you need physical help, spiritual help, emotional help, or financial help. Keep giving yourself permission to ask for help until you find the right help that you need.

 2. You need to ask for help when you feel the 3 H’s: hurt, hopeless, or helpless.

 Don’t let pride or even Satan whisper that you can figure it out or that you should be ashamed. Stomp on those whispers in Jesus’ name!

We’ve all seen people in our lives that we love refuse to get the help that they needed. The right people will not judge you. They will offer you love and compassion.

If you need words to ask for help, you can use these three powerful words: “I need help.”

3. God takes care of His children at all times, especially hard times.

I’m clinging to #3 right now during the virus crisis. Like many of you, I’ve been deeply affected by the crisis financially. But, I know that God will be enough for whatever it is that I will need.

If you have a gap in any area of your life, that’s where God wants to fill up that space with MORE of Him.

QUESTION: When do you struggle with asking for help?

Need help letting go of control?