by Barb Roose | Sep 25, 2018 | Women's Topics
It seemed like yesterday when I gave birth to my oldest child. Of course, yesterday was actually 26 years ago. Now, that child is packing up her apartment in preparation for an overseas military deployment later this year. Following close on her heels is my 23-old daughter, who’s planning to sign a lease on her first apartment later this week. My youngest daughter, also known as the one who qualified me for the Empty Nest Club, is settling into her second week of college. Yesterday, she texted me from the coffee shop because she’d spent two hours studying the wrong material for her medical terminology quiz.
From the time that my kids were born until now, I’ve worried about keeping them safe, well fed, happy or secure. When they were newborns, I watched their tiny chests lift up and down to make sure they were breathing. I guarded my babies to keep them from tipping into sharp table corners as they tried to stand and take those wobbly first steps. And once my kids began walking, a multitude of new fears and worries walked into my life…
Once our kids start walking, we spend the rest of our lives gritting our teeth and wringing our hands worrying if our grown up bundles of joy will be okay. Will my son make the right decision about college? What if my daughter loses her job? What if that young woman isn’t good enough for my boy?
Some moms also have to face deeper, darker worries and heart-breaking questions. Like the mom who told me about how much she loved her 30-year old son, but his on-going drinking problem was wrecking his life. Out of guilt for her own mothering mistakes, she’d pay his bills, let him move back in and talked to creditors. However, the years of stress over his problems and the financial burden of bailing him out caused her to lose sleep at night and cry all of the time.
When I meet women at conferences or retreats to sign books, I always ask what they worry about most. At least half of the women say, “I worry about my adult kids.” Many of those women answer with shiny eyes filled with unshed tears. Sweet friend, if that is you today, you aren’t alone.
One of the most well-known verses in the Bible contains the wisdom and advice that all mamas, no matter the age or stage of their children – need to hear. Do me a favor and read this verse aloud so that your mind AND ears can hear the peace and the plan that God wants to give to you:
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7 NLT
These verses are God’s encouragement for you, my friend. Whatever you are worried about today, give it to God. It doesn’t matter if you’re worried about your little ones, big kids, adult children or even children yet to be born, give those worries AND those kids over to God. Be real and honest about what is tearing up your heart, whether it’s a child who won’t do their homework or a son or daughter who never calls to check in. Tell God about it.
Then give thanks. Please don’t forget this part!
In the middle of our fear and worry, gratitude gets pushed aside. Our minds get so focused on what we lack, we forget the love that we’ve given and received. Thank God for the moments that you have spent with your children. Even when life is really hard, nothing is ever all bad. There is healing in gratitude, so don’t deprive yourself of it.
Ultimately, God wants us to give up our worries so that He can give us peace.
Mom, would you rather have worry or peace when your child is going through a tough time? Peace doesn’t come without surrendering your worry. If you want to hold onto all of those negative thoughts and panic, God will let you to do just that. But God has something better waiting for you.
If you’re ready to let God handle all of the worries about your kids, go ahead and tell God about it. If you need words, you can use these:
Dear God, I’m so overwhelmed with worry about my child. You know how much I love them and it’s so hard for me to see them in this situation. Yet, I know that my worries and my fears aren’t doing anything but making me miserable. God, I am so afraid that ___________________________ will happen. I need to surrender that fear to you and trust that You are watching over my child and that I can trust You with his/her life. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
by Barb Roose | Sep 5, 2018 | Joshua & Winning the Worry Battle
Are you struggling with a worry that you can’t seem to pray away? Sometimes, the roots of our worries are buried so deep into our hearts and minds that we need to give God special permission to dig deep and remove it.
Have you always been worried about money?
Do you always worry about the people in your life getting hurt or abandoning you?
Are you quick to flip out when uncertainty just won’t get certain fast enough?
Some of our toughest worries are like that stubborn plaque that mere brushing can’t remove. To eliminate those deep down, stuck-on worries, we must be willing to put up with being uncomfortable while God’s expert hand goes to work. Like a dental hygienist’s hook, God uses a secret weapon to scrape and chip away those hard-to-remove roots of worry from our lives.
Warning: This secret weapon is rejected by most Christians in the US because it makes most Christians feel too uncomfortable.
What is this secret weapon? Fasting.
By definition, fasting is to abstain from all or some things of food or drink, especially as a religious observance.
I know that bringing up fasting makes most Christians uncomfortable. If that’s you, I promise that it’s okay. It’s safe for you to be a little squirmy right now. My friend, no one is judging you. Especially not me! I refused to fast for years, but God gently led me toward fasting and I believe that God wants to gently lead you there as well.
Let’s start here – How do you feel about fasting?
- Don’t know much about it.
- Intimidated or uncomfortable just thinking about it.
- Tried it, but not a good experience.
- Fasted in the past, but not recently.
- Periodic or regular fasting.
For many years, I tried fasting, but it wasn’t a good experience. I like food and it didn’t make sense as to why God would ask me to give it up during a fast. But then the pain of my life exceeded my cares about comfort. I encountered a spiritual battle so fierce and so difficult that I had to give God permission to use this secret weapon in my life. Not just so that I could survive my worry battle, but so that I could thrive in the midst of difficult circumstances.
What Jesus’ teaches us…
In Matthew chapter 4, God’s Spirit led Jesus into the desert to be tempted for 40 days and 40 nights. Think about what it must’ve been like for Jesus in the desert. There, He was fully exposed to harsh weather conditions and no protection from wild animals. He had no friends to call on and no place to lay His head.
Let’s not forget that Jesus didn’t eat for a very long time! Can you imagine going all that time without food? In the early days when I tried to fast, it only took about three or four hours before I wanted to give up and grab a snack. In this case, Jesus fasted for more than a month. If we calculate based on our Western diet, Jesus fasted 120 meals. And we feel like we could die after skipping just one meal!
Then the devil shows up. Note to self: Satan always show up when you’re in the midst of a difficult battle.
Why did God’s Spirit lead Jesus into the desert to be tempted?
It seems harsh that God would allow Jesus to endure spiritual temptation on an empty stomach. But God did this so that we could see how the power of God living within us can help us overcome our human desires, like worry, that can get out of control.
They say that a the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Thankfully Jesus proves that this isn’t the case. When the devil showed up, his first appeal was to Jesus’ hunger: “If you’re the Son of God, tell the stones to become loaves of bread” (Matthew 4:3).
When I read this verse, it’s not hard for me to imagine Satan holding a platter of fresh, hot bread with rich, melted butter slowly rolling down the sides. I can almost taste the yeasty aroma wafting through the air and floating under Jesus’ nose. Did Satan hope that Jesus would rationalize a reason to convert the stones on the ground in the hot, filling meal that would satisfy Jesus’ hunger, but scald his soul?
As a woman who has dealt with emotional eating as away to cope with stress and worry, I find that Jesus’ response in verse 4 ministers to my soul. Here’s what Jesus said: “People do not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.”
Jesus’ response to Satan reveals an essential need in my life: I can’t deal with my worry until I learn how to depend on God. It wasn’t until I fasted that I realized how often I sought comfort and security in other places instead of God.
When we voluntarily abstain from anything in our lives, it doesn’t take long for us to become uncomfortable with its absence as well. We’re upset by the loss of what comforts us and the exposure of that discomfort unsettles us. Richard Foster sums ups it up so well: “More than any other discipline, fasting reveals what controls us.”
When we fast, our thoughts and emotions reveal the rawest parts of us. Friend, when you fast and pray, ugly and very unspiritual thoughts WILL surface. That’s a good thing! This is the place where our most stubborn sin and fear hide away. But, once those places are exposed, God works on clearing them out so that we can experience freedom.
Jesus’ example of fasting isn’t just one that we can read and admire; it points to a pattern of discipleship that should be a part of every believer’s life. In Matthew 6:16, Jesus began his teaching on fasting with the phrase, “When you fast…” If you don’t have a “when” in your life, then perhaps today God’s gentle hand is leading you one step toward beginning that journey.
Do you need to fast?
Sometimes people get confused about whether or not Christians should fast. Jesus teaching on fasting emphasizes what not to do while fasting but it doesn’t discourage fasting itself. Here’s what Jesus says about fasting:
And when you fast, don’t make it obvious, as hypocrites do, for they try to look miserable and disheveled so that people will admire them for fasting. I tell you the truth, that is the only reward they will ever get. But when you fast, comb your hair and wash your face. Then no one will notice that you are fasting, except your Father, who knows what you do in private. And your Father, who sees everything, will reward you. (Matthew 6:16-18)
Jesus teaches that fasting should be the part of every believer’s life. But, Jesus entrusts us to figure out what kind of fasting we need. How you fast is between you and God. There is no perfect way to fast. If you need to start with just one meal, okay. If you need to start with fasting from one tv show, fine. Give yourself compassion if you halt a fast sooner than planned. Just keep praying and letting God’s Spirit move through you and within you – that’s the ultimate goal!
In my life, fasting happens on a weekly basis. I’m not super-spiritual. It’s actually the opposite. I share this just so you know how real and difficult my worry battle has been. I fast weekly because my faith needs it. It’s hard every time, but my fast day is when I trust God to work out my worry. I write about my personal fasting habits in my Joshua Bible study and Winning the Worry Battle book.
Next steps for you…
If you feel like God might be calling you to fast in order to deal with some stubborn worry in your life, here are a few next steps inspired by Campus Crusade Bill Bright’s classic guide on fasting:
- Identify WHY you need to fast – Do you need spiritual renewal, guidance, healing, resolution, courage or grace to handle a situation?
- Identify TYPE of fast – What do you use to give yourself comfort when you are stressed? Once you identify whether it’s food, social media, Netflix, alcohol, relational distractions, then that’s what you give up.
- Identify how LONG – Pray and ask God to give you insight on how long you should fast. If prayer doesn’t provide clarity, then talk to a friend.
- Pray – Anytime that you fast, prayer should be a part of the experience. Otherwise, you’re just going hungry, right?! You can use the time that you’d normally eat as time to talk to God or in silence.
LEAVE A COMMENT: How do you feel about fasting? What’s easy or intimidating for you?
by Barb Roose | Aug 21, 2018 | Better Together Podcast
Can we find freedom from past hurts or trauma? The answer is YES!
If you know me, you know that I am a HUGE advocate of mental health! Not only have I invested in years of personal counseling, but I attend a recovery group on a regular basis for my own serenity. A decade ago, I struggled with major depression and spending a year in counseling and medication delivered me back to wellness.
The lesson that I’ve learned is that good mental health is a daily investment and when we don’t invest in ourselves, we rob ourselves of the peace and joy that God promises. Don’t rob yourselves, friends. You matter!
My guest on this episode of the Better Together podcast is clinically-trained marriage and family therapist, Stacy Lynn Harp, the host of Bible News Radio.
Stacy Lynn grew up as the middle child between two brothers and to a mother who often expressed her regret over Stacy Lynn’s birth. When Stacy Lynn was seven years old, her mother had an affair with Stacy’s paternal uncle. Eventually, Stacy’s mother left her father, packed up the kids and moved to California with the uncle. For many years, the uncle sexually and physically abused Stacy on a daily basis.”He was sadistic,” recalls Stacy Lynn in another interview.
During our conversation, Stacy Lynn gives a recap of her story and explains the tragic reason behind why her uncle never went to jail, even though Stacy Lynn reported him to the police.
If you’re an adult, but you’ve still got a lot of baggage left over from your childhood, Stacy Lynn shares her journey from sexual abuse survivor to finding freedom from her struggles.
Our conversation today includes:
- Why NOT paying for therapy is the most expensive mistake of your life;
- What does freedom look like;
- How to spot unhealthy people;
- Lessons in faith from her soon-to-be-finished book, Pickleball Faith.
LINKS TO TODAY’S PODCAST
Stacy Lynn Harp website | Bible News Radio
Stacy’s Testimony
What is Mental Health?
STACY LYNN HARP BIO
Stacy has appeared on the Fox News television show Dayside, as well as numerous radio programs nationally and internationally, discussing issues pertaining to the family, sexuality, social media, Christian persecution and Internet related issues.
Stacy earned a Masters of Science in Clinical Psychology from Vanguard University of Southern California, and is a gifted therapist and coach. Stacy has spoken at various academic and professional conferences concerning internet safety issues and the topic of homosexuality. She has been described as someone who has a firm grasp on the issues and communicates passionately but with humor.
by Barb Roose | Aug 21, 2018 | Joshua & Winning the Worry Battle
by Barb Roose
Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do,
but gets you nowhere. –Anonymous
Have you ever found yourself worrying about the bad things that could happen-whether they involve your family, your job, your finances, your health, or your future? Me too!
Have you ever spent a sleepless night worrying about the state of our nation or our world? My friend, you are not alone. If I had a pair of shoes for every time that I worried about something in my life, I’d need 100 closets to hold all of those shoes.
Disclaimer…I do not actually own all of these shoes. But there are a few pairs in that pile that I’ve got my eyes on.
There have been many times in my life when I felt like I was losing the worry battle. I had so many headaches from worrying about my kids, my husband, my marriage, or my career. Oh, the hours I spent pacing the floor at night thinking, rethinking, and overthinking all of the worries in my life. Every question in my mind began with “what if” and ended with some awful worst-case scenario. I tried to control my worries by trying to control everything and everyone in my life. But that never worked!
When Jesus spoke to the crowd, I imagine that he was speaking to people just like me when he said in Matthew 6:27 (NLT), “Can all of your worries add a single moment to your life?”
That is such a powerful truth?!
One study reported that the average person worries 55 minutes per day. That’s one hour per day that you spend day-dreaming or obsession about bad things happening to you or the people that you love. This means that you spend almost an hour each day imagining or obsessing about bad things happening to you or the people that you love. Furthermore, what happens to us when we worry? We get headaches, jittery nerves, upset stomachs, and just so tired. Worry really wears us out!
Since research also tells us that 80% of what you worry about never happens, the reality is this: Your worrying time is likely wasted time. By the time that you’re 50 years old, you’ve spent over 1,000,000 minutes of your life worrying. You don’t have to live this way!
Your life is precious! Are you tired of losing the best and precious minutes of your life stressed out and sleepless from worry?
Here is a list of five healthy and productive things that you can do the next time your mind starts to fixate on “what if” worries:
- Replace “what if” with the “God if…”
Your first line of defense against worry is prayer. Now, you don’t have to be a perfect prayer to pray, just a person who is willing and humble enough to pray.
Worry is a sign that we’re trying to solve our problems on our own. Prayer is the symbol that we’re willing to let God help us with our problems. So when you think “what if,” practice saying “God, if…” and fill in your fear. That is the beginning of your prayer, friend. Be honest with God and He wants to hear what you have to say.
- Read favorite Bible verses or a devotional.
One of my favorite sayings about our mind is Beware, your mind is a dangerous neighborhood, don’t go there on your own.
If you’re in a bad place mentally, infuse your mind with a healthy voice. Keep a list of healthy Bible verses close by or pull out a devotional and fill your mind with words that will focus you on God.
- Make a gratitude list.
Author Ann Voscamp said it best when she said “Gratitude is the birthplace of joy.” We worry because we’re afraid of losing something or someone that we love or care about. So, gratitude list as an essential reminder of how God has taken care of us in the past. Give yourself a goal of writing down 100 blessings on your gratitude list. As you remember how big God is, your worries will shrink way.
- Listen to music.
Music will change your mood! I like to listen with my headphones in because they block out other distractions. If you want to really change your mood, sing-along. You can’t sing and worry at the same time! Don’t believe? Try it!
- Walk and listen to a Christ-centered or uplifting messages/podcasts.
This was my #1 go-to strategy for the past couple of summers during a very stressful time in my family’s life.
I’m sure that I looked like Forrest Gump walking and walking and walking through our neighborhood, but all of those miles really helped me in a powerful way! The physical act of walking allowed my body to release endorphins to uplift my mood so I physically felt better. Then, Christ-centered YouTube messages and podcasts kept my mind healthy, which is so, so important! By the way, it’s Podcast Week over on my Better Together podcast. Click here to listen to messages that with give you the hope, help, and the practical next steps to get better!
Some final thoughts…
Is there anything on this list that God might be nudging you to try today. It’s so important that you do anything other than nothing! BUT, you don’t have to do everything. This list provides options. You can take what you like and leave the rest.
I am not sure what you are going through right now, but I know that God is standing right next to you. And just know, that I am cheering for you.
SHARE A COMMENT: What are some healthy ways that you deal with anxiety or worry? Share your tips below and allow God to use you to bless someone else!
MORE FROM BARBROOSE.COM
Gather your friends or women at your church for my Joshua Bible study this fall! If you or someone that you know struggles with worry or anxiety, the Joshua: Winning the Worry Battle Bible Study combines powerful Biblical principles and practical tools that work to end those stressed out days and sleepless nights!
BONUS: If you host the study at your church, let me know and I’ll provide a personalized invite video that you can use on Facebook or send via Youtube. Email barb@barbroose.com to request the video.
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by Barb Roose | Aug 14, 2018 | Women's Topics
by Barb Roose
Thank you to those of you who continue to reach out to ask how our family is doing. You just don’t even know how much your words have encouraged my heart!
However, a few of your emails linger in my mind, particularly those of you who wrote something like this: “Barb, thank you for speaking up. I’m in the same situation with my husband, but it’s not something we talk about in our family.”
If you sent one of those emails, you are God’s answer to my prayer: “God, do I really have to keep talking about this? This is so hard! Can’t I just go back to posting Bible verses and pictures of flowers?”
In the past few weeks, God has led me down a different path. A scarier and harder path. Along the way, I’ve been so blessed by how you’ve prayed for my family, especially my kids and my husband. I believe that with God all things are possible. But, I also know that many of you prayed, yet your marriage still ended. I am so sorry for your heartache. The hard truth that I must embrace is that God will either heal my marriage or He will heal me. Since I don’t know what will happen, my plan is to walk by faith each day and leave the future to God.
Today, I’m sharing my journey from keeping our situation a secret, maintaining privacy and being led to make it public.
First, vocabulary time. Here’s the difference between bad secrets, privacy, and making something public:
- Bad Secret: Important information that affects the welfare of others but that information is withheld or there is a refusal to purposefully talk about it.
- Private: Information given to those who need awareness or protection but isn’t widely circulated to everyone else.
- Public: Putting it out there on Facebook…
Are ALL secrets bad?
`No. Not all secrets are bad. If there is something in your life that you don’t want to talk about and it affects only you, then keep it to yourself. Did you get cut from the cheer squad in high school but you don’t like to talk about it? You do you. Lose your first job out of college before you met your spouse? No worries.
However, a bad secret is a hush-hush matter that we don’t want to talk about it AND people have been hurt because of it. That’s a bad secret.
I spent three years keeping my husband’s suspected drinking problem a secret from my kids and family. I didn’t know how to talk about it. All I knew is that something was changing in our lives, but not for the better. Even though I started talking to a counselor, I never said a word to anyone else. Meanwhile, my fears mounted. I started losing my temper often. I cried a lot. Still, I kept silent.
Then, a major event happened and that was when I realized that I couldn’t keep silent any more…
My journey from secrecy to privacy…
After an alcohol-related crisis in 2011, my husband and I separated for two weeks. This was at my insistence. I was angry. I wasn’t kind or gracious about his struggle. All I could think about was my pain and what had happened to me. Now, it hurt too much to be silent, so I told the ladies in my small group at the time. I felt so sick sharing my secret, but they responded with compassion. Oddly enough, I felt less sick after talking.
About this same time, I called my father-in-law, Brent. He was the first person that I opened up and really talked with about my husband’s struggle. My father-in-law struggled with alcohol addiction until his 50’s before finding freedom in AA. His addiction cost him a lot, but he finally broke free of his painful past by walking the hard-fought road to recovery. Brent gave me helpful language to talk about addiction. Most of all, he didn’t criticize me for talking. He had compassion for the situation that we were in.
Once I began felt more comfortable after talking with my father-in-law, I began conversations with my husband, other family members, close friends, and my kids. I must be honest, the conversations in those early years didn’t go well. I was angry and scared, so I blamed, argued, and got defensive. I also discovered that I had to daily surrender my fears to God in order for counseling and recovery to actually make a difference. I knew that in order to give my kids the best chance for their future, we needed to talk openly and purposefully about what was happening in our family.
Surrounding myself with safe, wise, and trusted voices was essential to privacy. Anything less will drive you back to secrecy. What do safe, wise and trusted voices sound like? They know how to listen well. They do not shut down your opinions. Most of all, they don’t “should” all over you! Instead, they let you discover the path and they love and cheer you along the way.
This is why I’m a huge fan of recovery groups like Celebrate Recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), and Al-Anon. There’s a better chance of finding safe voices to help you break away from secrecy than any place else. What happens next is up to you. As they say in recovery, “It only works if you work it.” (By the way, you may be super angry the first time you attend a recovery meeting. It’s okay. Most all of us felt that way, too. Go for three meetings and then decide if you should keep going.)
Since my situation was no longer a secret, I began to get better. I talked. I learned. I felt healing come into my life.
But, I didn’t feel the need to talk about our family’s situation publicly, whether in books, keynote messages or social media. Privacy worked for me.
Until this year…
The line between private and public is a personal decision.
The tipping point is whether or not sharing one’s experience can making a lasting and positive impact on the lives of others.
(If you go to my church, you know that I totally ripped off that italicized phrase!)
I hadn’t planned on talking publicly about my marriage separation or my husband’s battle with alcohol addiction until later – much later. Like years from now. In my mind, I planned to tell our story in a blog post, book or keynote message. I planned to start my story with something sounded like: Well, there’s a story that I need to tell you about a difficult time in my life long ago. But praise God it’s over and we’re all together and doing great.
But that is not the story that I get to tell.
While writing this post, it occurred to me that my father-in-law was the person who helped me move from secrecy to privacy. Then, it was his death a month ago (July 19) that moved me from privacy to talking publicly. I will forever be grateful to Brent for being there and helping me learn how to talk about something that I didn’t know how to talk about.
My father-in-law passed away from a massive heart attack in my husband’s arms. Two days after Brent’s death, I felt God telling me that it was time to talk publicly about our situation. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. All of the fear and feelings that once came with secrecy came roaring back when I felt God calling me to talk publicly.
I began praying and asking God for wisdom to do what it seemed that He was leading me to do. I reached out to three wise friends who suggested that I wait until I had the margin to write and respond to emails. Ten days later, I spent an entire day writing that first public blog post. Seven girlfriends reviewed my blog to make sure that it was as kind, honest, and respectful as I possibly could be. Next, I sent the post in advance to my kids and husband. Then I sent it to my family and my husband’s side of the family. After they had a few days of time, then, I shared the public news.
How did it feel? I felt nauseous and sick.
I really wanted to escape the entire matter. I’ve had to fight waves of fear. I’m sharing them because if you’re facing some real and raw fears about sharing a secret or taking publicly, I want you to know that you’re not alone…
What if my husband’s side of the family stops speaking to me?
What if talking publicly is the final straw and my husband walks away for good?
What if people aren’t cool around my kids?
I wish that I could tell you that these fears have completely gone away. They haven’t. But, just because they are fears, I have the tools to help me not be afraid. I handle those fears when they pop up and I move on.
For those who are grappling with family secrets, I hope that sharing my story gives you a chance to think about what God may want you to do with your story. Notice how important it was for me to have safe and wise voices in my life to support me. Also, the choice to share can’t be made by anyone else other than you. Don’t let others force you into speaking up or out if you aren’t ready.
If you feel like it might be time to move from secrecy to privacy or from privacy to making something public, remember this:
It’s okay if it feels really hard;
It’s okay if you feel like you want to throw up;
Do it with kindness and respect so that others can support you;
It’s okay if you do it scared.
Most of all, you’ll survive.
LEAVE A COMMENT: Why is talking about our family secrets so hard?
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