by Barb Roose | Aug 10, 2014 | Women's Topics
Brittany Kaelber wants to live in a world where cookie dough is at the top of the food pyramid, leg warmers never go out of style and there are more spontaneous song and dance numbers in everyday life. When she’s not working as a full-time video producer and a part-time photographer at CedarCreek Church, you can find her hanging out with her favorite awesome nerds, doing a marathon (of the TV variety), attending a country concert, with her nose in a good book, napping, or planning her next Disney vacation.
Brittany believes that life’s a journey -a lovely, hilarious, heartbreaking, amazing journey – and she loves sharing the beautiful, the ugly, and the awkward moments of her journey with all of you!
“Ever since college, I make friends. They get married. I lose friends.” -Chuck Palahniuk
As I get older, most of the people I know are either getting into serious relationships, getting engaged, getting married, or having kids. In fact, at the age of 30, more of my friends, family and co-workers are married than not. On top of that, I have no close friends that have ever been 30 and single. This could easily put a divide between my married friends and I. We could slowly drift apart.We have different priorities and different schedules and different challenges and we can’t truly understand each other’s place in life.
I, however, do not believe this is a death sentence to relationships between married people and singles. I don’t want to lose friends just because they’re married and I’m not! My married friends and their families add so much to my life. I believe careful honesty is the key. We must have a determination not to project our own insecurities, longings, fears, and frustrations out on the other. If we do that, then we can still have real, beneficial, and meaningful relationships.
So, here it is, the truth: this is what singles believe married people have forgotten about being single (or aspects of single-ness they never even experienced because they got married much younger than 30).
Single + Single does not equal a perfect match…We get the impression that a lot of married people do the math and come up with: single guy + single girl = match made in heaven. No, nope. Thank you for thinking of us . . . but there’s a little more to it than that.
Speaking of matchmaking . . . I won’t speak for every single, but I was not built for online dating. I know that there are ‘Plenty of Fish’ that I could be ‘Match’ed with and we might fall in love and live in perfect ‘EHarmony,’ but let me just ‘Tinder’ my resignation now, because I’m out! #notinthislifetime. No need to ask me if I’ve thought of trying it. I’m an old-fashioned girl. And speaking of old-fashioned, if you come across a “great Christian guy,” don’t tell us girls about him– tell him about us! We want to be pursued.
We still believe in fairy tales…Well, kind of. We know now that it’s not as easy as falling in love and making darling, perfectly behaved babies and living happily-ever-after, but we still believe in having our own beautifully quirky love story. Help us believe. We’ve heard it’s a lot of hard work . . .like, more hard work and less sleep than you could have ever imagined! Now, tell us about how much fun it is! There are fun parts, right?! I love what Mindy Kaling says, “part of me still thinks … is it really so hard to make it work? What happened to being pals?”
Plus one? More like, plus none…When you’re single, you don’t have a built in “plus one.” We want to come to weddings and parties and even dinner with you and your couple friends, but sometimes it’s harder than you’d imagine. So, unless our odd-numbered singleness throws off the aesthetics of your evening, please invite us, but give us grace on those nights we decline. It may surprise you that there are times when hanging out with all couples will actually make us feel lonelier than staying home alone and watching Netflix. Not to mention that standing on the dance floor at a wedding, under a spotlight, with six little girls dancing around you to the blaring refrain of Single Ladies is . . . just horrible.
There is no “I” in team! But there’s an “I” in Single…Having a plus one at parties is just a small perk of marriage. You are now part of a team! You’ve procured not only a built-in date but also a best friend and a confidant; someone you can do life with and make big decision with. Your moments are their moments, happy and sad. They know you better than anyone. You are two who have become one.
Imagine not having that built into your life. It can be hard and even scary at times. Doing it by yourself doesn’t always come with the kind of freedom you might imagine; it comes with doubt and insecurity and uncertainty and longing. So, take care in saying things like “enjoy your freedom” or “appreciate your single years while you can” or “you’re so lucky you don’t have anyone to check-in with!” We envy the partnership you have and we’d give up spontaneous Grecian vacations or control over the remote to be a part of a team like that …or, let’s be real, even just to have someone who paid half our bills! Just kidding… about the remote. 🙂
What’s NOW vs. What’s NEXT?…Have you heard the idiom “in the meantime”? It means, “Until something else happens.” As a single, it can feel like everyone is just waiting for us to reach the next big milestone in our lives. Until then, they’re compassionate to our being stuck “in the meantime.” However, sympathetic refrains, inspirational quotes, and future predictions can be more harmful than helpful. We know that phrases like “you’re going to make a great wife/mother one day” or “that’s ok, you will find someone” are meant to be comforting, but it can make us feel like who we are now (who we might be forever) is not enough.
We may get married. We may make great wives and great mothers; we may find someone. But we might not. We want to know that who we are is enough. In fact, we’d like to know it’s more than enough. We’d love to know that you don’t see us as incomplete or running behind or stuck in the great singles waiting room of life. We want to know that the lives we’re living now (as singles) are complete, significant, thriving, successful and meaningful.
So, ask us WHAT’S NOW instead of WHAT’S NEXT because “in the meantime” our real lives are happening and we want to share them with you!
This is how you can pray for us…There are aspects of the single life we appreciate and even love, so we don’t need pity, but we’d love your prayers.
- Pray that we’ll use our single lives to honor God and that we’ll rest in knowing His plans and timing are far greater than ours.
- Pray that we won’t settle, but will wait for a spouse who loves Jesus and us with their whole hearts for their whole lives.
- Pray that we are made complete in Christ, so that no matter where our journey takes us we find our identity and worth in Him and not in our relationship status.…And if you want to pray “Lord, if it’s your will, please send Brittany a tall, funny and handsome fella who loves pizza, Netflix, and country music,” well, who am I to argue with God’s will?!
Talk back time…Are you single? What are some of the parts of being single that celebrate? Where do you struggle? What kind of support or prayers would you like from others?
Thank you Brittany for sharing your perspective with us! Ladies, if you’ve got friends who would be encouraged by Brittany’s words, share this post up by clicking the any of the share buttons. If you’d like weekly encouragement like this, I’d love to share it with you. Just enter your email address to subscribe and that’s it. Thanks for stopping by!
by Barb Roose | Apr 11, 2014 | Women's Topics
Samantha leaving for camp this past Monday
So, it’s the end of the school year. Many of you are celebrating kindergarten or high school graduations and every other kind of milestone in-between. If you’ve got a few tissues left and want to keep that nostalgic feeling going, this re-post about letting go of our children grow up is dedicated to you…
This week, my 18-year old daughter, Samantha, has been away at camp. A few months ago, she interviewed to be a 5th grade camp counselor and was thrilled to be selected.
My soon-to-be-graduated senior bolted from my car on Monday with a big smile on her face. As she grabbed her bags and slammed the car door (because SOMEONE doesn’t have her license yet…) Samantha’s final words were: “Have a great week, Mom. Don’t miss me.”
I have missed her this week. And, I’ve also realized that the time is quickly approaching that I will be missing her much more and often. She graduates from high school at the end of next month and my second child will be off to begin her life.
“Don’t miss me, Mom…”
Springtime always reminds me that life is meant to grow and blossom. Even our kids…
Sami, Kate and Abbie – Christmas 2000
When my girls were babies, there was no Facebook or any other social media. Which meant that there was no reason to take weekly photos of my little Roosters spread on a pretty blanket with a chalkboard or ABC blocks with their ages on it.
But, I did have a disposable Fuji camera, y’all. Only 2 out of the 24 pictures ever turned out nicely, but those memories were captured just the same. I’ve got stacks of slightly blurry, kinda dark photos of some very special moments.
First smile…first up-the-back diaper blowout…first jar food…first sleeping in the crib…first ride on the tricycle…first unplanned haircut…
Back then, motherhood was all about getting my children to those “first” moments. “When will they…?” was always on my mind. The thrill of motherhood meant that I couldn’t wait for those “first” moments.
That is, until those “first” moments started to take my girls away from me…
Matt, Kate and Samantha on Kate’s first day of kindergarten. Seems like yesterday…
Mamas, remember those first steps? Remember the moment when your little one let go of your fingers? Your heart burst with pride and fear at the same time. Those first steps away from you were the best and worst moment of your life. As much as you embraced your child’s new journey, there was something deep inside that urged you to push that baby down and tie him or her to a safety seat. Go, go, go…no, stay with me…
Once our kids start moving on their own, it just seems that they are constantly moving away from us. And we want them to go. But, we want them to stay, right?
While writing this post, my oldest daughter emailed me to let me know that she’s going to New Mexico this summer. That’s in addition to her trip to South Korea and two weeks of training. So, this summer, she’ll be home for only five days. Less than 150 hours.
“Don’t miss me, Mom…”
Over the years I’ve discovered that ‘letting go’ is a season all it’s own. We don’t just let go on any given day. Instead, there are many, many letting go moments. Good moments that taste bittersweet. Good moments that make us smile and cry at the same time. Like the last time we nurse our babies or the day we dismantle the crib. Letting go moments when they go on the first sleepover or finish that big project on their own.
The year that my oldest daughter turned 16 was horrible. I knew that one day she would want to drive away without me. In my nightmares and daydreams, I could only think of her getting into a car accident and being taken from me. I didn’t want her to drive, but she insisted on getting her license. Months later, she hoped into the car and drove away on her own. Just like that.
I let go. (And I survived.)
After two decades of parenting, I finally settled into the realization that “letting go” is a season because it takes time for us mamas to do it. We don’t just wake up one morning and feel okay with the speed at which our children are growing up. We’re thrilled when they learn to tie their shoes, ride to the end of the block or stay over night. Yes! But, we struggle against the place that says It’s going so fast… Yep, it is.
And as much as want our kids to burst into independence and find their place in the world, deep in our hearts, we want to tie our children down to keep them close forever. But, we know that’s not love. That’s not what they need. We need to let go.
So, if you are like me and these days your children are growing up, smile. They are doing exactly what you’re nurturing them to do – even if right now they are making decisions that hurt your mama heart. They are taking on the world, whether they are scooting, crawling, walking, running, driving or flying away from you. You can’t always go with them, but your love is indelibly stamped on their lives. They’ll always take a piece of your heart whereever they go.
Samantha graduation on June 1. Photo Credit: Jeff Wirebaugh, MD
This summer, I’ll hold my breath while one piece of my heart criss-crosses the country for a few weeks before heading overseas. Another piece of my heart will cross a high school graduation stage and search for her place in the world (and I’ll embrace my role as an advisor on the sidelines). A third piece of my heart will travel to summer camp and to a lot of sleepovers. Don’t miss me, Mom!
I’ll try not to, honey…
If you enjoyed this blog and you think another mama might enjoy it, feel free to share. Thanks!
by Barb Roose | Oct 18, 2013 | Women's Topics
What is it about a mirror that brings out some (or all) of our insecurities?
I wake up pretty raw in the morning. Getting out of the bed is one of the hardest things that I do all day long, mainly because Night Barb is a creative party animal. In fact, she’s working out this blog post right now. I love her…
Anywho, the first stop each morning includes a trip to the bathroom and ends with a few minutes in front of the bathroom mirror.
Over 525 women (at least I hope its all been women…) around the world participated in my October 2013 “Created with Curves” survey. I was looking for data to include in the book because beauty is a topic that is so subjective. Yet. what I received was so much more than just data. Those survey responses changed my perspective about the power and impact of the topic of beauty.
So many of us think that beauty is a shallow topic, but the memories, scars and wounds run deep under our skin and bleed into our souls. After the survey, many women sent me emails or Facebook messages with their personal stories because they had more to say after filling out the survey. I was humbled by how so many women cared more about a safe place to share their experience over anonymity. Some stories have made me laugh. There were lots of stories that I could totally related! Other times, I had to get up and walk way from the computer because the stories were just too much.
Here’s one of those stories:
I struggled with insecurity for much of my childhood and adolescent years. “Duck Face” was a constant phrase used to define me throughout elementary. Relationships were hard for me to form, not only for my never-ending awkward stage, but also my love for Jesus and telling every single person I could about Him. I entered junior high and decided that I didn’t want to be different anymore, so I followed the grunge trend – like wearing black lipstick and my dad’s old clothes.
In high school I consumed a daily regimen of Pepto-Bismal and club crackers to maintain my anorexic, size 0 frame. Craziest effort I ever made, not only to lose weight, but most importantly to feel like I had some sort of control over myself, both on the outside and inside, too.
Despite my relentless search to discover myself, God chose to use my screw ups for Hos glory…He led me to start a support group for those struggling w ith eating disorders at Bible school that is still impacting lives to this day…He turned my ashes into beauty unlike anything I could have ever imagined.
For all of her struggles, the need of her story inspires me!
As a Christian woman, I know that God sees me as special and beautiful, but that reality doesn’t always translate when I look in the mirror. Here’s some Friday truth, ladies: We are too hard on ourselves. You don’t need to read a book or take a $300 survey to recognize that fact.
The results of the survey are printed in chapter 4, titled “Flaw Finding.” Not only do we share the data from the survey, but readers also have the opportunity to do their own assessment.
More initial data insights…Okay, we seem to mostly love our eyes. No controversy there. Personally, I have issues with my feet. Which is crazy ironic since most people think I am obsessed with shoes. Which I am totally not – kinda. But, I have ugly feet. And I wear a size 11. (Obviously, I will be the first person to buy this book when I’m done writing it because clearly, I have some issues myself.)
by Barb Roose | Jul 30, 2013 | Women's Topics
Last week was one of the most incredible weeks of my life. And, when I say the word “incredible,” I’m not just talking about spectacular. I’m talking about “are-you-kidding-me-is-this-actually-going-down-like-this” kind of incredible.
I traveled to North Carolina on Thursday with my friend, Bobbie, to attend Proverbs 31 Ministries She Speaks Writer and Speaker Conference. I met P31 president and best-selling author, Lysa TerKeurst back in May when I co-hosted the Fabulous Conference with my friend, Lauren. Lysa is an in-demand national keynote speaker, so when I found out that she was hosting a conference for emerging speakers and authors, I plunked down my money and registered.
One of the benefits of registering for the conference was an opportunity to meet with publishers and agents from all over the country. Since I had written a book proposal back in January, I figured it was time for me to pitch my book proposal while I was at the conference.
When I arrived at the conference on Friday morning, I had to hustle to schedule my publisher appointment. Hundreds of women were already scheduled to meet with agents and publishers and I was praying there would be a slot for me. A lovely woman named Sheila took my card and scheduled me for a 4pm Saturday appointment with a publisher from Abingdon Press named Pamela Clements.
Abingdon Press! It was the best news I could have gotten. My friend and author, Sandie Bricker (www.sandradbricker.com) published a very successful series of books with Abingdon Press, so I immediately inboxed her on Facebook. Within a few hours, Sandie responded and let me know that Ms. Clements was her editor’s boss. She included some important guidance to help me with my due diligence in preparing for my appointment.
After attending Friday’s incredible conference, from Lysa’s morning keynote, divinely-appointed breakout sessions and social media juggernaut, Michael Hyatt’s evening talk, I was baked – in a good way, not the kind of way that gets one arrested.
On our way back to the hotel, I remembered that the shirt I packed for the next day had two mysterious brown stains. I couldn’t wear it. I started brainstorming a Plan B. While brainstorming, I drove right past the street of our hotel. Rather than turn around on the busy highway, I asked Bobbie if I could drive over to the RossForLess retail store I had seen earlier in the day. Since I needed to buy a new outfit early in the morning, I wanted to see what time the store opened.
We pulled up to RossForLess at 10:24pm. I noticed that there were people still in the store. Could it be open? Yes! The store was open until 10:30pm. What store closes at 10:30pm? 10pm, yes. 11pm, yes. 10:30pm…what? I popped out of the car in my 4″ wedge sandals and hustled toward store. The automatic doors slid open and I scooted in at 10:26pm. Ignoring the stare of the cashier who was probably hoping I’d drop dead so she could clock out and go home, I ran to the dress section and started rifling through the racks until I found two dresses in my size and style.
Back at the hotel, I tried on the first dress and looked in the mirror. It fit fine and it was my style, but I wasn’t sure. Bobbie told me I was crazy, but I just didn’t feel confident when I looked in the mirror. A little too much shake and shimmy, if you know what I mean…
So, at 7:30am the next morning, I jumped out of bed and left the hotel search of Spanx. (For any guys reading, Spanx are like Magic Eraser for women’s bodies.) Ross For Less didn’t open until 9:00am and I needed to be at the conference by then. So, I kept driving even though I had no idea what to do next.
After two minutes, I turned my head to the right and saw a Wal-Mart off in the distance. When I checked my GPS earlier, Google Maps said the nearest Wal-Mart was 20 minutes away. Finally, a GPS error in my favor!
Did you ever stop to think about the most important decisions in your life and how 98% of the time, Wal-Mart is involved in those decisions. Buying a house? Chances are, you’ll be stopping at Wal-Mart. Getting married? You’ll be stopping by Wal-Mart. Having a baby? Wal-Mart. Pitching your first book proposal to a publisher? Definitely, Wal-Mart.
Now, Wal-Mart doesn’t actually carry the brand name, Spanx. Only certain fine department stores do. However, I really don’t want to use the word “girdle” over and over again. That would be awkward for all involved. So for the purposes of this blog post, Spanx = girdle. So, I ran into Wal-Mart and gratefully purchased the Spanx and drove back to the hotel.
Here’s the crazy part: Before my 4pm book pitch that afternoon, I had to give a five-minute talk to a group of ladies in an advanced speakers group. I obsessed over this talk for weeks. On my way back from Wal-Mart, I was inspired to completely change my five-minute talk to include my Spanx story. I dictated the new talk into my iPhone and finished it as I pulled into the hotel parking lot.
My new Spanx-inspired talk was completely and utterly me. During my five-minute presentation, I shared my insecurities about my appearance. I shared my heart to help other ladies learn to see God first in the mirror rather than focusing on the things that made them feel “less-than.” The ladies laughed about the Spanx and each gave me a knowing look when I talked about how much we hate feeling insecure about our appearance. Next, it was time for me to face the moment I’d waited a lifetime for…my publisher appointment.
I entered the room and extended my hand toward Ms. Clement. After sitting down and introducing myself, I took a deep breath and shared my Spanx story again. She listened as I recounted my struggles as well as what I’ve learned over the years about seeing myself through God’s eyes. To my surprise, Ms. Clements shared some of her life journey with me. We laughed over the ways the lengths that women go to in order to deal with their insecurities. At the end of my appointment, Ms. Clements asked if she could have my book proposal. I walked out of that room and felt the overwhelming lift of a lifetime’s worth of prayers answered. Then, I cried.
I couldn’t believe that a stained shirt could set into motion a series of events that would change my life over the course of 48-hours. I still can’t believe that RossForLess was open until 10:30pm and the only reason I found that out was because I accidently drove past the road to our hotel. I can’t believe that we happened to show up to the store four minutes before it closed – and I was able to find two dresses in less than 10 minutes. By the way, the dress I purchased was a Calvin Klein dark denim beauty for only $24.99. Girls, you know I had to share that!
I know that God set those series of events into motion and I am awestruck – and thankful. Soooo thankful. No, I don’t know how it will all turn out. I hope that the book will work out, but I’m grateful for how much I’ve gained and grown over this weekend.
Now, I’m back in Ohio, trying to adjust to post-vacation life. I’ve got a long week at work, kids playing soccer and a dog that has developed an skin allergy that will need some veterinary attention.
Yet, I have the memory of an incredible weekend when I was reminded that when things seem to be going wrong, it was just the preparation for God to show up.
STAY TUNED: On Friday, in my next post “Barb’s Vacation, Part II,” I’ll tell you about why Platform author Michael Hyatt tweeted me. Yes, me!
