One day, I took my then five-year-old daughter, Abbie, shopping with me. I needed to check out some new clothes and didn’t want to pay for a sitter. My youngest little girl has a kind and loving heart, so I can always count on her to have sweet and supportive things to say. After we arrived at the store, it took a few minutes for me to choose some clothes to try on in the dressing room. As we went entered the hallway of the dressing room area, I realized that there wasn’t a place for Abbie to sit. So, I brought her inside of my small dressing room and settled her on the little perch in the corner of the room.
Promising to be quick, I handed Abbie some crackers and turned to disrobe. Since the dressing room can be a judgment room, I mentally prepared to get half-naked and try on clothes that may or may not fit. What if it doesn’t fit? I should have worked out more. I wish that I was 10 pounds thinner! My little cherub munched on her crackers as I slipped out of my coat and turned to remove my top. Then, her munching stopped and her little voice piped up: “It’s OK, Mommy. I won’t laugh.”
So much for thinking that I had kept my insecurities to myself!
I was wrong. Somewhere along the line, my five-year old daughter picked up on my frustration over my size, shape or style, otherwise known as my “ugly struggle with beauty”.
“Why don’t I ever look good in anything?” “My feet are SO big! Goodness, someone could use these for a boat!” “Look at these hips! Nothing ever fits right over these hips!”
I never wanted Abbie or my other daughters to sense my discomfort with my body. Yet, I had passed my negative thinking and feelings about my size and shape onto my daughters.
In October 2013, I surveyed over 500 women about the topic of beauty and how beauty has impacted their lives. Many women reflected on how their mothers’ ugly struggle with beauty was passed along to them. Here’s one woman’s story:
My mother is a beautiful woman by anyone’s standards, but she does not see it that way. To this day, she works to support her beauty habits. She’s had breast augmentation, countless peels and laser resurfacing and practically lives at the salon. This was my model. I remember my mother telling me that I was beautiful, but I also remember her worrying about what I was eating, and how my hair looked and what other people would think about me. I scrutinize every imperfection on my face. I have long, full hair that other women compliment me on, but it’s fake. I shop a lot. I constantly size myself up against other women. It is honestly exhausting at times.
Clearly, her mother never intended for her daughter to inherit her ugly struggle with beauty, but our words and actions influence our daughters more than we realize.
Protecting our daughters from our ugly struggle…
Moms, we never want for our daughters is to experience the same sadness and frustration that we encounter in the mirror, right? If our daughters express a beauty-related struggle, we’re quick to go out an buy something to help. We make sure they have acne-free skin, pay for nose jobs or by them stylish clothes. Yet, trying to address their physical struggle doesn’t matter if our girls are also carrying around OUR beauty-related pain in their hearts and minds.
So, what do we do to influence our daughters away from our ugly struggle?The best way to keep our daughters from inheriting our ugly struggle with beauty is for us to win OUR ugly struggle with beauty!
There are three things that we need to do in order to win our ugly struggle or reduce our struggle’s impact on our daughter’s lives:
1. Understand your “beauty narrative” – What’s your beauty story? Talking about beauty is more than just talking about how we look, it’s about understand it’s impact on how we think and live. Are there nicknames or painful memories that you’ve carried around since childhood that whisper back to you each time you look in the mirror? When we don’t acknowledge the things that happened to us, we carry them around and give them the power to influence our thinking, feelings. 2. Re-Think Your Body – Your relationship with beauty begins in your mind. What you think drives how you feel and behave. If you struggle with you’re a certain body part or facial feature, then a practical tip would be re-frame how you think about that feature. How does that body part bless your life? What purpose does that body part serve in helping you love and care for the people around you? I struggle with the gap between my front teeth. Yet, my mouth affords me the opportunities to speak with women and encourage them. I know that my voice and smile would not be as effective without my two front teeth. So, those teeth are a blessing because they allow me to encourage others. 3. BE Beautiful! Beauty isn’t about our size, shape or style. Instead, we are beautiful when we recognize ourselves as creations of an Almighty God. We are not doomed because our hips may be too wide or our skin isn’t youthful or smooth. We are beautiful because God created us. Period.
When our daughters see us smiling at ourselves in the mirror, our daughters will remember and mimic that behavior. When our daughters overhear blessing our bodies, in spite of what our culture says about beauty, then our daughters will learn to bless their bodies in spite of what culture says about their beauty.
While we can’t protect our daughters from their own ugly struggle with beauty, we can protect them from inheriting ours.
QUESTION: How did your mom influence your opinions about beauty? What beliefs or attitudes have you carried from childhood into your adult years? Share your story by leaving a comment below.
Friends, thanks for stopping by today! If you think that this post could bless your friends, I’d love for you to share it!
When was the last time you were naked and felt no shame?
Take a deep breath. We’re not going to talk about being physically naked, or ‘nekkid’ as many like to say. Today, we’re going to delve into what it means to step up and live with authenticity and vulnerability – being real and inviting people to get real with us. That’s what we can refer to as “emotional nakedness.”
Ummm, Barb. Uh, I’m not comfortable talking about this…
I know that you don’t want to talk about this, but stay with me. You NEED to lean into this one. Why? Because I know that there are places in your life where you want MORE than how you are living now! You want to live with purpose. But, you can’t live purpose if you only skim the top of what it means to be real with the people around you that you love and care about.
Living authentically occurs when our actions, beliefs and character are the same, no matter if we’re overheard talking with our kids at the store or we’re hanging out in the lobby at church. Authenticity is best described by the phrase “keepin’ it real.” Like on Saturday, I had to do eight loads of laundry and clean my house. It was a wreck. #keepitSERIOUSLYreal
Vulnerability is much scarier than authenticity. When you’re authentic, you don’t have to care about what people think, you’re just putting you out there. In my opinion, vulnerability is the highest form of emotional and spiritual nakedness.
Storyteller and researcher, Dr. Brene Brown, has elevated the discussion about the power of vulnerability. Here’s how she describes vulnerability: “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”
Vulnerability seems a little like living at a nudist colony (not that I’ve ever been to one…) You are completely exposed to those around you and they can give you feedback on what they think and see. Yet, under the right conditions, vulnerability is powerful. When we allow people that we love and trust to speak truth into our lives, we learn to see past the blind spots that are holding us back or taking us down. Vulnerability gives us the precious knowledge that we are loved as we are and most importantly, for who we are.
God loves you as you are. But, He loves you too much to leave you as you are. He’s got great plans for you!
As you read that, you may have many reasons why God shouldn’t love you for what you’ve done or how you screamed at your kid today – but He loves you. As the old saying goes: “There’s nothing you can do to make God love you more. There’s nothing you can do to make God love you less.” It’s a shame that some of us are plagued by secret whispers that we don’t deserve or shouldn’t expect God’s best for us. That’s the voice of shame.
When we feel shame, it is a self-imposed shackle that we must break free from as soon as possible. Shame clouds our ability to see what God wants to do in us and through us.
Here’s a few questions for you to consider today. You are welcome to share your answers in the comments below or find a trust Christian friend or counselor to discuss:
Where are the places where I feel ashamed, or unworthy of love or acceptance?
How willing am I to let people get to know the real me? Where do I start shutting people out? Do I know why?
What would it mean for my life if I could live “naked and unashamed?”
Only one more day left in our Beautiful Devotional! Thank you for joining me this week! I’d love to stay connected with you on a regular basis, so make sure to find me on Twitter (@barbroose) or join the community over at Facebook.com/shapestylesoul.
Have you ever run into a woman who was bad tempered, rude, or argumentative?
While I don’t watch many reality television shows lately, I see lots of previews or recaps. The shows all seem to have a few things in common: wealthy, physically-attractive women who scream, fight, scheme, claw, cuss, cheat or threaten each other.
These women spend thousands of dollars on hair, make-up, cosmetic surgery and personal trainers to look as beautiful or desirable as possible, yet their on-screen behavior is downright UGLY.
I don’t get it. But, the writer in Ecclesiastes says: There is nothing new under the sun.
In the New Testament, one of the scriptural authors addresses a community of married women who were new to following Christ. These women were wealthy and heavily influenced by their sophisticated, educated culture. They competed against each other for the best hair, make-up, and jewelry using strategies that probably wouldn’t be completely unfamiliar in our modern times. Like many of us, these women wanted to be admired and desired by all who saw them. If there was a reality television show during that time, these ancient women would have been all up in our television screens.
Yet, the scriptural author, Peter, calls the women to aspire to more than competition over hair, clothes or reputation. Check out the verse in the box from 1 Peter 3:4.
Peter, isn’t being harsh when he speaks to the women. He wasn’t bashing beauty enhancements, rather, he contrasts what a woman does with her outer appearance against what God accomplishes by His divine work within us.
There are two descriptives that Peter calls women who aspire toward: gentleness and quietness. These two words used to discourage me on a regular basis.
Friends, there is nothing conventionally gentle or quiet about me. I’m 5’10” with big feet and a loud voice. Everything about me looks like it is moving at 100mph. So, I felt like a failure every time someone shared Peter’s teachings on these two qualities of inner beauty.
Why can’t I be like the nice ladies with the polite smiles dressed in pearls and matching sweater sets. I can get frustrated and loud, yet those women never seemed to get kerfluffled? What’s wrong with ME?!!!
Years ago, I discovered God’s prescription for inner beauty was a mixture of qualities that would complement even my energetic, demonstrative nature. Here are the qualities of a gentleness and quietness:
Gentleness: Maintaining a gracious attitude, friendly behavior and humble character.
Quietness: Choosing to possess tranquility, respectfulness and submissiveness as opposed to worry or rebelliousness.
First, how do we cultivate gentleness? Where do we start? One of the first steps would be self-awareness. I don’t know about you, but sometimes, I don’t know how I look or sound to others. So, practice your conversations in front of the mirror. Pretend like you are talking to your family or friends and look at your facial expressions. Does your face look friendly and kind or put-upon and bothered? After self-awareness comes another tip: Just be nice to people. (Yep, I’m working on that, too…)
Now, quietness might be freaking some of you out right now. You saw the words “respect” and “submit” and you’re concerned that I’m going to try to sell you a page from “The Caveman Times.” I can see you rolling your eyes and saying:
“I’m a modern woman, Barb. Don’t you try to tell me that I should let someone rule over me.”
Ladies, respect and submission have nothing to do with coercion or weakness. In fact, they are wholly the opposite. Both are a 100% free act of the will. You can choose or not choose. Before you choose, answer this: What is the opposite of quietness? If the idea of not having the final say-so (control/manipulation) is so horrible for you, then what’s your other choice? Answer: It’s a life of constant worry and strife.
Some of you know what I’m talking about right now.
When you constantly fight for control or assert your right to be right in front of your spouse, kids, friends or co-workers, chances are that your life is filled with frustration, worry or strife. Might I ask with complete humility: How’s that working for you?
When life isn’t going our way, our first inclination is to rise up and fight for control. And the fighting and the resistance makes us miserable – and our reactions probably look pretty ugly. Yet, God has chosen women to be the standard-bearers of His beauty in our cold, harsh world. What kind of light for Christ could we be if we practiced the beauty of gentleness and humility?
Q4U: Which one – gentleness or quietness – feels like more of a challenge for you? Leave a comment below!
Thanks for stopping by! We’ve got just a few days left in the Beautiful Devotional and I hope that you’ve been blessed. I’d love to hear how God has used this devotional in your life. Feel free to leave a comment below! If this post has blessed you today, please share it with others!
How many of us are still carrying around painful words spoken to us during our childhood or teenage years?
“Your nose looks like Captain Hook!”
“You’re so dark that we’d lose you if the lights were off.”
“My dog is cuter than you.”
Ouch. No only do those phrases hurt our eyes, but if those words were ever directed at you, those horrible words hurt your heart, too.
While we can’t undo what we heard as kids, we can be proactive about who we allow access to the most important part of us: our heart. The question is: How do we protect our hearts?
Do you realize that your heart is your most valuable possession? This is why God says that we must guard our hearts because the rest of our life depends on the condition of our hearts!
We’re switching things up today! This 2-minute video clip was from our February 2015 LivingItOut video podcast titled “Strengthening Your Relationships.” In this clip, I’m discussion how to “guard our hearts” when it comes to relationships with others.
Q4U #1: What are some of the things you heard about your size, shape or style as a kid that still stick in your memories today? How did those words impact your life?
Q4U #2 – Think about some of your most difficult relationships. Where are people crossing the line in your life? What are some sensors or triggers that you need to install in order to protect your heart? (How do you need to restructure how/when you interact with them?
Thanks for joining me for the Beautiful Devotional Day #3! Please share this post with others and invite them to subscribe to Barbroose.com for more encouragement and inspiration for the remaining days of this devotional and in the weeks to come!
Allison’s name was changed in the story as a protection for her family members who were involved in some of the more difficult places in her life.
Is there a mistake from your past or a struggle with your size, shape or style that overcomes your heart with embarrassment or regret?
In my book, Enough Already: Winning Your Ugly Struggle with Beauty, I interviewed a friend and former stripper, named Allison*, whose story is shared in Chapter 16 titled, “What we’ll give away for love.” The chapter opens with a line from her husband: “Honey, God took you from the pole to the pulpit.”
When Allison turned 18 years old, she began working in a strip club. Early in life, Allison learned that a woman could use her body to get men and things, so she decided to give dancing a try. At first, Allison’s new job was thrilling because she felt powerful. She decided who to dance with and for how much. Before long, Allison realized that she was being controlled and used by not just the customers, but the people who owned the club. That crushing revelation heaped pain and shame into her life.
Yet, she couldn’t break free. Allison continued to dance after she married and even until she was eight months pregnant.
It wasn’t until she looked into the eyes of her newborn daughter that Allison realized she needed to change: “I couldn’t keep showing myself to anyone and everyone who would give me a buck.”
Yet, after leaving the industry, the shame followed Allison around in the form of a secret that she couldn’t tell.
A few years later, Allison and her husband joined a local church and came to faith in Christ. Yet, she didn’t believe that she could truly be free and forgiven for her life choices. Her shame ran deep and strong.
For many years, Allison hoped that God would destroy the memories of who she was. She wanted to kill off that part of her indentity in hopes that the shame would die, too.
It wasn’t until Allison finally realized that freedom from shame wouldn’t happen until she fixed her heart and mind on the truth of God’s great love for her. The remaining part of the chapter deals with how God lovingly, yet painfully led Allison out of her shame toward God’s truth that she best sums up in Romans 8:1: “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.”
Instead of keeping her past a secret of out of shame, Allison allowed God to use her past to create connections with women who are working in the adult entertainment industry today. She brings love and hope to women who are looking for a way out as well as unconditional love and an open invitation to prayer for women who plan to keep dancing.
Now, God uses Allison in amazing ways that go far beyond what she ever could have dreamed!
Q4U: What kind of shame do you see women struggling to overcome? What stops Christian women from embracing the fullness of God’s forgiveness? Where do we struggle to forgive ourselves?
Beating yourself up won’t change a thing. Listen to this: You’ve got to let it out, before you can let it go!By the way, the BEST way to fight back is to share your struggle or secret with either a trusted Christian friend or counselor. Invite someone into your struggle today and ask them to journey with you and pray specifically for you.
Thanks for stopping by today! If this post has blessed you, please share this post on your social media! You can also read Allison’s entire story in my new book, Enough Already: Winning Your Ugly Struggle with Beauty. Find out more by clicking HERE.
It’s Monday morning, you can guarantee that I’m struggling. At any point between 6:30am and 10am, I’m a cross between a walking hot mess and an incoherent toddler. All I want on Monday morning is for the clock to rewind back to Friday.
As I stumble through my morning toilette (pronounced “twaa-let” –I’m attempting to get fancy here), my body is on auto-pilot. I move like a robot from one movement to the next, praying that when I put my hand down to grab something, it will be waiting for me. Shower. Dry. Brush. Curl. Walk. Turn. Lotion. Socks. Underwear…Under—
Now, my eyes open and I’ve got a Monday-stopping question: WHERE are my underwear?!
Instantly alert, all attention focuses on my top drawer. It’s a little sparse in there. Gone are the typical piles of crumpled polyester-spandex and polyester cotton. All that’s left is a pair of once-loved undies crushed into the corner of my lingerie drawer. As the only clean, surviving pair of underwear on this early Monday morning, I bestow upon them following title: Emergency Underwear.
Introducing: Emergency Underwear
Yes, my last pair of underwear has a name.
While you may not name the last pair of your underwear, you’re already familiar with the concept. Emergency underwear is the last pair that you don’t like to wear. This is the pair that stays crumpled in the back behind all of your favorites or better performers. How’d your emergency underwear end up in the back of the drawer? Maybe they to shift to one side or another when you walk. Perhaps they tend to get trapped in tight places, if you know what I mean. Maybe you no longer like the color or style.Whatever the reason, you don’t like this the pair of underwear –
…but you keep them around just in case.
Now, back to me…
For those who aren’t scared by a little TMI, this particular pair fits mostly fine. It’s an uninspiring shade of beige pair with a waist band that on its way to giving up. I don’t notice them in the drawer unless the more popular undies are cleared out of the way. Once that happens, then shazaam! It’s showtime!
So, my current situation: I’m standing in my last pair of clean underwear.
(I’ll be back to finish this after I get dressed.)
I’m back…
What makes me annoyed about the emergency underwear situation is that it should never happen. These moments are an embarassing reminder me of what I should have done, but didn’t do.
Apparently, I had doing laundry on the list of “I’ll get to that”, but I never got to it. I could make all kinds of excuses as to why I didn’t do it, but the fact is, I put off the task and almost had to resort to that oft-used, but never-talked-about college underwear trick that we used to use when we didn’t have enough quarters to do the laundry.
As much as I can, I try to live by the maxim “Set yourself up for success. ” And in these emergency underwear moments, I feel like a hypocrite. I’m always harping on my kids to set themselves up for success by planning ahead and taking care of their business. Yet, at times, their mama needs to practice what she preaches a little more often.
So, it’s time to kick myself in the butt! And since you’re along for the ride this morning with me, I’ll kick you, too. If that’s okay…
Time to Eat that Frog…
I came across an article discussing discussing 21 ways to stop procrastinating. One of those ways was to “eat the ugly frog first,” which is a euphemism from author, Brian Tracy’s book’s Eat That Frog. When we have tough or unpleasant tasks to accomplish, Tracy encourages us to do our most difficult or unpleasant tasks first. Why? Because the most difficult task hangs over our heads all day long if it remains unfinished. Doing it first frees up mental energy and reduces tension. This leads to increased productivity and satisfaction.
How does that apply to my emergency underwear situation? Well, I hate doing laundry. So, when there’s piles of laundry laying around, there’s a tape in my mind that continuously reminds me that I’m a slacker until that laundry gets done. Yet, all of that mental badgering doesn’t motivate me to do the laundry. We erroneous think that if we ponder something enough, that we’ll eventually get motivated to do it. Not true. The only way to get something done is to – now, pay attention – is to ACTUALLY DO IT!
Whenever I actually get up and finish the laundry, it’s amazing how fast I get everything else on my list done.
My kids used to HATE unloading the dishwasher. We would go to war over unloading this dishes on a regular basis, until the day we timed how long it took to unload the dishwasher. It took 5 minutes. All of that procrastinating. All of that complaining. All of that fussing (me…). Once we figured out that doing the task only took five minutes, the kids don’t procrastinate the task as they used to. They’re happier because something they dread only lasts a few minutes and they can move on to something else much faster.
What about you?
Think about the tasks that you hate? Make a list. Which tasks have gone unfinished for sometime now? Which one should you absolutely do today? Feeling overwhelmed at the thought of making that list? Check out the quick video below – it’s super helpful!
And me? Time to finish that laundry!
Thanks for stopping by Barbroose.com! If you think this post would be helpful for others, please share it. I’d love to hear if you were encouraged or inspired in some way. Just post in the comments section below or on Facebook. Blessings, Barb
Barb Roose is a speaker and author who is passionate about teaching women to live beautifully strong and courageous so that they experience God’s great adventure of faith and purpose for their lives.
Check out Barb’s new releases, Stronger Than Stress: 10 Spiritual Practices to Win the Battle of Overwhelm book and Stronger Than Stress: 10 Spiritual Practices to Win the Battle of Overwhelms Bible study.
Barb lives in NW Ohio and is proud mother of three adult kids. Whenever possible, Barb prefers to eat dessert first. Visit Barb’s online home at barbroose.com.
