One of the women in my Bible study had a disagreement with her daughter-in-law. This led to a full-on argument. Her son sided with his wife and my friend felt betrayed. The disagreement escalated into lots of ugly accusations and angry words. Within days, the son called to let my friend know that her visit with the grandkids that weekend was canceled and that she was no longer welcome in their home.
As my friend shared her story, the tissues in her hands grew limp from wiping the stream of tears leaking from her eyes. She hung her head after courageously sharing her part in the meltdown. I can’t believe that I said such awful things to her. My son won’t answer my calls. I want to apologize. What if I never see my grandchildren again?
If you’re reading today’s devotional and this story triggers grief or sadness because this is your reality, I’m so sorry. If we were sitting next to each other, I’d give you a big hug right now. Perhaps you know a friend or a family member who has been devastated by a broken relationship. It’s so hard because you can’t fix it for them.
At the time I’m writing this devotional, I’m in Maryland teaching at the Women Digging Deeper Retreat weekend. Before I share what God has put on my heart for today’s devotional, I want to start by showing you this picture of a sign that sits right at the main entrance to the lodging. “Jesus Never Fails.” Say that to yourself over whatever situation you’re facing right now whether it’s an estranged relationship, an unanswered prayer, a fear, or anything.
For today, let’s check out helpful guidance from God’s Word. In Romans 12:18, the Apostle Paul also gives relational instruction to believers. I’ve included his teaching in two different translations:
Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. -Romans 12:18 NLT
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. -Romans 12:18 ESV
Which translation resonates most with you? I appreciate both versions, but for different reasons.
In the New Living Translation (NLT), the phrase “Do all that you can” is a call to God-honoring action and it gives a wise boundary. Some of us grew up in homes or families where “keeping the peace” meant staying silent, accepting, or not reporting toxic, abusive, immoral, or illegal behavior. That is not what Paul teaches.
“Do all that you can” references Jesus’s teachings on confronting those who’ve harmed or offended you (Matthew 18: 15-17) and offering forgiveness (Matthew 18: 21-35). Jesus’s teachings not only set us up to glorify God, but his teachings are the basis of good, healthy, and wise boundaries, too.
The ESV version (similar to NKJV) starts with the phrase, “If possible, as far as it depends on you.” Those are such important words! We are only in control of ourselves, not others. We’re also responsible for living out Jesus’ teachings whether others do or not.
“As far as it depends on you” often requires surrender because you can’t make people fix the relationship. Everyone handles hurt at different speeds. You may be ready to move on from how someone hurt you, but they may not be over how you hurt them – even if you think that what you did wasn’t that bad. In other instances, perhaps you are willing to forgive an offender, but they aren’t willing to acknowledge or see their part in the problem. You may need to surrender your attempts to convince people of what which they aren’t willing to hear. Jesus said don’t cast your pearls before swine.
I’ve been there. I was married, there were seasons when my former spouse had left our family and no matter how much I’d call or beg to work things out, he was not ready nor was he interested. Every unanswered text and phone call heaped more rejection on me. The more that I pushed, the more pain it created for peace. Surrender was my only path to peace.
Surrendering doesn’t mean that you’re giving up on the relationship, it means that you’re creating space for God to work. Not only does surrender create a path for you to experience God’s peace instead of suffering but while you’re waiting, you can be assured that God is working. In the meantime, here are some ways to live in peace instead of stalking or stirring the pot:
- Take the words that you would say to them and turn those words into prayer to God. Pour your heart out to the Father who sees and cares about YOU.
- You can give the other person/people space and let them know that the door is open when they are ready.
- You can prayerfully discern whether to write a letter. I’ve seen this done with positive results and I’ve also seen those letters ignored or fueled to ignite a new argument. I suggest having a trusted friend look the letter over and also help you discern why your expectations or motivations.
As I wrote this week’s devotional, I couldn’t address every situation and nuance that led to conflict or estrangement. What I pray is that you will focus on Paul’s teaching in Romans 12:18 and ask God’s Holy Spirit to speak directly to you about your specific situation.
By the way, after a long period of estrangement, my friend received a call from her son. He asked if they could meet for coffee. After several months, he let the grandkids come over. Their relationship still has ups and downs but my friend smiles because she saw how God worked in her life when she finally stepped back and surrendered the situation to His control and timing.
TAKEAWAY TIME! What did you take away from today’s devotional that you needed to hear? Where is God calling you to surrender and trust Him? What’s been hard for you?
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I think you were spot on about the importance of the wording in the ESV translation. We only have control of our part in the situation. When we recognize how important it is to let God work in a situation we experience rest. He is able give a us a clearer picture how the other person may feel.
I am not in agreement with my sisters about many things, but we all understand that we love each other very much. That is very important!
We find common ground and support each other and our families. We are sisters in Christ as well as by blood.
Amen, Mary. Well said, Amen! Thank you for sharing this with us today.
This really hit home with me this morning. “you can’t make people fix the relationship. Everyone handles hurt at different speeds. You may be ready to move on from how someone hurt you, but they may not be over how you hurt them.’ I have a gentlemen friend that I have been dating for 2 years and now it has been 19 days since we have spoken to one another or even texted. I don’t understand that if you love someone how can you just be so mad or hurt that you can let a relationship go that easy? I’m certainly not going to be the one to call or text. I apologized for my behavior and I know that I have had empty promises in the past. I guess I’m just the one that forgives easy and not everyone is like me. Thank you for your devotional. I will pray words that I would say to him and turn those words into prayer to God.
That’s so hard, Melissa. So, so hard, especially with someone that you love. I’m glad that you were encouraged by today’s devotional and I’m praying that you have a chance to have a conversation in the future.
Hi Barb,
I am going through a similar situation with my daughter in law!!When I started to read this it was like God telling me to listen to what you were saying.It was meant for me today and I thank you and God for sharing this! I have also went through a lot of tears,missing my son and grandchildren.I try to remind myself that if it’s meant to work out it will,but only when God thinks it’s the right time.Have a great week Brab!You are doing great work sharing Gods word and encouragement to others ❤️
Maryann, my heart goes out to you. It’s so painful when our family relationships are broken. My heart aches for you. I’m glad that God spoke to you through today’s Happy Monday.
Barb, thank you I have chosen to surrender and allow God to work. I will continue to pray for the restoration that is needed in our lives and giving God all the glory.
Edna, amen. Surrender is the only path to peace. Praying with you, too. Thanks for sharing this.
Barb,
This too was meant for me. It has been going on five years for us no communication of any kind. We knew our grandchildren had not been exposed to the truth. After a recent hate filled response to a loving note we now know that is the case. Thank You for today’s devotion.
Lynn, I’m so, so sorry. That is heartbreaking. Praying for your heart and the truth so be known one day soon.
My son and I are not speaking right now, though it is not due to hostility or offense, but rather time for both of us to pray and seek the Lord on how our relationship needs to grow and evolve as mother to adult child. The Lord is indeed working, and I believe when my son and I reconnect that it will be peaceful, pleasant and prosperous for the Glory of God.
Thank you, Barb.
God is at work! I’m celebrating the willing and humble hearts that you and your son have during this time to give each other space to pray and seek God.
I am where your friend was in the above devotional. However, I did not make any nasty comments to our daughter-in-law, or son. I did apologize to both of them; however, it was and still is not accepted. I have gone to our Heavenly Father and put the relationship in HIS capable hands and left it there. I am at peace with whatever and however HE decides to restore or not restore the relationship. He is well able to do abundantly above all that I could ask or thing. The pain is gone, and I know that all things work together for those who love the Lord and are the called according to his purpose. So, having said that, I am grateful for all restored relationships, and I will wait on His timing and yield to His will. Thank you for sharing, Blessings!!
MRSA, thank you for sharing your story with us. Thank you for also sharing how you’ve done all that you can do and now you’ve surrendered it into God’s hands – and how you’re experiencing God’s peace. Someone will be blessed by your words.
This message was surely meant for myself today. My son hasn’t spoken to his family in over 5 years including his children which are 17 and 20. There have been some of the most hurtful things said from both sides. I tried to meet with him alone and not his wife but he wouldn’t do that. I have been accused of turning his children from him and I wonder what in the world would make him think I would be ever do such. I would pick up today just like nothing has happened but my son won’t have that. I know God knows my heart and I pray that my son will fill the same
Sheila, I’m so sorry for your family’s pain. I pray healing and restoration in your family.