Do You Need a To-Don’t List?

Do You Need a To-Don’t List?

by | Oct 7, 2024 | Stronger Than Stress

This weekend I was the guest speaker to a beautiful group  at Saturday's Northern Arizona Women's Conference in Flagstaff, AZ. We had a beautiful day in the Arizona mountains, worshipping, connecting, eating delicious food, and learning how to overcome our stress and overwhelm by living in Jesus' peace.

I shared the To-Don't List concept at the conference and the ladies responded so positively that I want to bring this conversation to you. 

Special Request: I’d love to hear your feedback about today’s devotional because I may turn this into a workshop. You can hit reply and type “Helpful,” “It’s okay,” or “Not an issue for me.”

What inspired my To-Don’t List concept…As I share key themes from my new Stronger Than Stress book and Bible study, women frequently comment that they are doing too much. One of the types of overwhelm that I address in the book and Bible study is OVER-FUNCTIONING.

This overwhelm happens when you say "yes" to more than you have time or energy to do. In my experience, women who over-function are often high-capacity women who can do lots of things. The problem is that just because you can doesn't mean you should.

With this in mind, listen to what Jesus teaches about our life priorities:

And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.' The second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' No other commandment is greater than these." - Mark 12:30-31 NLT

Loving God isn’t about performance, but it is about a personal relationship with a Holy God. How do you show love to the people in your life? Time spent with them. You are learning about them and enjoying the connection with them. Our relationship with God flourishes when we think about Him during the day, talk with Him, listen for His leadings, and obey what He calls us to do. However, if you're doing too much, an entire day can pass by without connecting with God or even thinking about Him.

What does this have to do with a To-Don't List? If we look at Jesus' declaration of our priorities, the two questions that we must ask ourselves is this:

  1. Do you take time to nurture your relationship with God each day?
  2. Do you make time to take care of yourself every day?

If the answer to those questions is "yes," that's great! However, if the answer to one or both questions is "no," then you may be over-functioning, and a To-Don't List could be a practical tool to help you.

The To-Don't List is a helpful, stress-preventing tool that equips you to pre-decide (a favorite word from my friend, Kathi Lipp) what distractions undermine or distract you from spending time with God and taking good care of yourself.

Step One: Be Clear About Your Daily To-Do List

Mindset matters! What you believe to be actual deep inside of you will reveal itself in your behaviors. Many of us love God, but we've put God off to the side because we're carrying too much on our plates. However, we forget that God is sovereignly and powerfully capable of carrying the weight on our plate.

Unfortunately, our mindset is that once we finish the urgent tasks in our lives, then we’ll make time for God. Except our daily to-do lists are so long that we never finish them, so time with God is hit or miss. This also happens with our self-care. We say we must, but we take care of everyone else first. By then, we're too tired we're too tired to work out or we’re too tired to make healthy meals so we grab fast food.

IMPORTANT: Please don't drift into self-condemnation on this - but if you feel the gentle conviction of God's Spirit, that’s because God wants more FOR you! God knows that you might be struggling through the day and that His strength can make you stronger than your stress. But only you can make room to receive it.

As someone who can easily over-function, I made a To-Do list years ago that reflected my belief that my top priority is loving God, myself, and others. My daily To-Do List has five items: good sleep, healthy food, moving my body, time with God, and meaningful connections with others.

I've discovered that when I take care of my daily To-Do's, I'm more productive than if I was sleep-deprived, eating poorly, achy from no exercise, etc. The blessing is that I can accomplish so much more because I'm connected to God and His strength, and my body is rested and prepared for the daily work that I need to do. One of the a-ha moments in my life was recognizing that my To-Do’s needed my best energy of the day, not my exhausted fumes.

Question: What To-Do's do you need to establish so that your everyday life reflects God's priorities?

Step Two: Investigate Why You're Over-functioning

Everything that we do is attached to some belief or motivation. This can be an uncomfortable process getting to the root of why you're over-function, but the truth can set you free.

Here are six questions that can help you identify some areas of your life that need to be added to your To-Don't List. Journaling these questions or processing them with a trusted friend might be helpful.

  1. What activity/obligation do you dread each time it comes up on your calendar?
  2. What obligation/possession costs you more time than you have available or more money than you can afford?
  3. What activity/obligation have you said "yes" to because you liked someone asking you or were expected to do it?
  4. What are you doing because it looks impressive to others or it props up your low self-esteem?
  5. Do you like being the one that comes to the rescue?
  6. What are you afraid to let go of? Why?

Step Three: Brainstorm Some To-Don'ts and Test Them Out

If you have your To-Do's and a few potential To-Don'ts, it's time to test them out. You don't start over-functioning overnight, so it might take 30-60 days to see if you have the right To-Do's and To-Don't for this season of your life. Don't forget to pray and ask God for His guidance!

For example, I don't keep my phone in my bedroom at night. I believe that I do better during the day when I start my day with God. If my phone stays next to me, I'm wise enough to know that my phone will distract me, so that's why plugging it in my room is on my To-Don't List. I also don't keep desserts in my home. I don't have good self-control with desserts. Since loving myself is a belief, I needed to put buying desserts at the store on my To-Don't List. (I happily eat dessert when I'm out, especially ice cream.)

My To-Don'ts are mine so you may have different ones on your list. But here's what's essential for you to understand about the To-Don't list: This specific list of behaviors reflects the mindset or beliefs you believe about yourself or want to be true about yourself.

In Case You're Anxious About Starting To-Don't List...

Feeling anxious or panicky about letting go of some things is okay. You might be worried about disappointing others or that things might fall apart. However, I have a few mindset shifts that you may need to pray about making your own:

God hasn't called you to be everything to everybody. You don't need to feel pressured to fix every problem you find out about.

People may be temporarily disappointed if you can't help them or you need to resign or quit. But it is better to temporarily disappoint them than negatively impact your physical, spiritual, or emotional health.

If your departure leaves an empty spot, they will either fill it if it's critical or left empty, which means it wasn't needed.

If you are working crazy hours toward a goal or achieving a dream, your achievement won't be worth it without a satisfying relationship with God.

I'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU! Is over-functioning a challenge for you? What is on your Daily To-Do List? What about your To-Don't List?

Letting Go of Trying to Fix Your Struggling Friends

Letting Go of Trying to Fix Your Struggling Friends

by | Sep 15, 2024 | Uncategorized

Do you ever experience impatience when a Christian friend can’t seem to get herself together? Maybe you’re tired of hearing the same problem repeated or you’re frustrated because she won’t take the needed steps to address her issues. What can you do?

Today's post offers a powerful biblical reminder and practical wisdom so we can love our friends well - especially when their healing journey with God is moving slower or messier than we'd like.

Why do we become impatient or frustrated when someone in our lives can’t get it together?

Maybe we’re tapping our feet wondering when God’s going to answer our prayers on their behalf. Perhaps, we feel like our friend isn’t working hard enough or trusting God enough to get it together. Or, are we struggling with our own control issues that sound like: "If she would only do what I'm telling her to do, then she’d get over this!"

Can you relate to any of these?

There could be other possibilities, but those came to mind. Now, what I'm not saying here is that we should be overlook or become complacent with a friend’s never-ending struggle, a repeating sin or spiritual immaturity. Galatians 6:1 teaches us to gentle and humbly help those who are struggling. Sometimes, we forget the gentle and humble part and instead, we become annoyed and impatient.

Here’s the question: How do we love our Christian sisters in a way that reflects God's grace, His desire for their freedom AND healthy boundaries?

Our attitude toward our Christian sisters should reflect the teaching in Colossians 3:12-14 NLT:

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.

Look at all of the characteristics that we’re to display. Don’t miss this - notice the underlined portion. How do you make allowance for your friend’s struggle? Do you need to stop expecting her to get it together on your timeline?

Here are some practical tools that may help you today:

  1. Validate her struggle as an act of love: This sounds like, "That must be so hard for you!" Validation doesn't mean that you approve of her struggle or behavior, only that you're listening to her pain with your head and heart. Bonus: I’ve included great “listening” questions to ask at the end of this devotional!

  2. Avoid minimizing – Minimizing can happen when you say, "Oh, at least you're not going through what Susie experienced..." or shift from her struggle to talking about yours. While your attempt is to relate or show empathy, it conveys that others' experiences are more important than hers.

  3. Don't panic! Don't apply your worst-case scenarios to her life.  Unless a friend is facing a physical threat, take your finger off the temptation trigger of "She’s doomed if she can’t get it together.” God is still in control, so remember that the Bible’s promises are just as true for her as they are for you.

  4. Consider whether your opinion or advice should be prayers to God instead:  It's so easy to use our words to fix others, but what if you stopped giving advice to your friend and put that effort into praying for her this week?

  5. Know your boundaries & set your limits - You have permission to set limits on conversations for your own mental health and well-being. Wait to return texts or phone calls when you can handle them. Also, you can set a timer for the duration you can handle. Maybe it's ten minutes or even only two minutes. You have permission to say, "I can talk about this for five minutes. Then I want to pray for you, or else I'll be tempted to give advice, and you need God's help more than my opinion."

Ultimately, loving our Christian sisters means we must make allowances for their struggles, even when they aren't getting over them as quickly as we'd like. Healthy Christian sisterhood can include prayer and boundaries. Most of all, there’s hope in remembering that God sees your friend and you aren’t responsible for fixing her struggle.

Great Questions to Ask Your Struggling Friends - from my Stronger than Stress book:

  • What is hard about this for you?

  • How have you been praying about this?

  • Where have you seen God working in this situation?

  • What is the outcome that you are hoping for?

  • What would it mean for you to trust God in this situation?

These questions are a way to point her back to letting the Holy Spirit speak without you attempting to play the Holy Spirit in her life.

I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU: What resonated with you ? What was challenging for you? Post a comment and share your thoughts with me.

Less Stress. More Peace. Every Day!

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Struggling to Find Time to Read Your Bible?

Struggling to Find Time to Read Your Bible?

by | Sep 9, 2024 | Stronger Than Stress

Last week was Labor Day in the US, and with thoughts shifting to fall, the raging debate between pumpkin spice and caramel apple has taken center stage. What's your vote? I'm a caramel apple girl!

However, speaking of labor, can we talk about something that sometimes feels like hard labor...Reading our Bibles.

Can I say something that many of you rather not say aloud? Here it is: You wished that you enjoyed reading your Bible more. But finding time to sit down with your Bible feels like another task to cram into your jam-packed life. Then, Guilt shows up with a big smile to shame you on two fronts: You feel guilty because you don't enjoy reading your Bible, AND you suffer terrible guilt when you miss reading your Bible.

I pray that God uses post to help you experience an a-ha moment that enables you to delight in God's Word instead of dreading Bible study.

For years, I believed my Bible study only counted if I sat down with my Bible, pen, and highlighters for at least 20-30 minutes each day. This was the only scenario that I believed God approved. So, when I was raising kids and barely making it through the day or seasons when I was grieving, crushing guilt piled on top of my exhaustion and sadness because I was positive that God was disappointed with me.  

Before you hit reply and blast me with, "Barb, are you saying that we don't need to have sit-down quiet times?" Yes, those sit-down study times are important, but here is where I’m going to add a BIG BUT ——> But, God wants MORE for you than to limit your time with the Bible to a structure of sitting in a chair for 30 minutes with your Bible, pens, and highlighters.

Here are four principles of scripture engagement that I believe can liberate and delight you as you grow in understanding and incorporate God's Word into your life.

First, Don't Give Up! If you're discouraged by Bible study because you can't do it for 30 minutes daily, please keep reading today's devotional. You need God's Word to show you the truth, teach you what is wrong, and correct you (2 Timothy 3:16).

These days, there are so many false teachers telling everyone to do whatever feels right, and I don't want you to be confused by their lies, which are fooling Christians everywhere. Don't set yourself up to be fooled (2 Timothy 4:3). If you miss a day, don’t beat yourself up. Ask God for help and try again the next day.

THIS ONE IS BIG ——-> Second, stop counting daily Bible study minutes and focus on embracing scripture-engagement moments. The great a-ha moment that transformed my relationship with the Bible was to shift from counting quiet times to this question: "How often can I bring God's Word into my thoughts, activities, and decisions throughout the day?"

Instead of focusing on how many days of the week you sit down with your, shift your effort and energy to how often you can incorporate God's Word into your day.

Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. - Joshua 1:8 NLT

Third, each time that you engage with sculpture throughout the day reminds that God loves and cares for you during your day. The Bible contains reminders of God's love, grace, direction, and help. There, you begin to see the Bible as a dependable source of hope. You'll start to feel like the psalmist here:

I will study your commandments and reflect on your ways. I will delight in your decrees and not forget your word. -Psalm 119:15-16 NLT

MORE PRACTICAL ADVICE: You will automatically do what delights you. If you want to delight in God's Word instead of seeing it as a duty, here are six practical tips from my Stronger Than Stress: 10 Spiritual Practices to Win the Battle of Overwhelm book for bringing God's Word into your daily life.

  1. Each of these ideas is an intentional way for you to bring God's Word into your life. Try out one or two this week:
  2. Write out Scripture verses on post-its and tape them to your bathroom mirror, car dashboard or other places where you'll read them.
  3. Listen to an audio Bible in the car, at the gym, or before bed.
  4. Read a favorite Bible verse with family or friends at mealtimes, over coffee, or before bed, and discuss the Scriptures together.
  5. Sing! Lots of classic hymns and modern worship songs incorporate Scripture. Find those songs. As you sing, you're engaging with God's Word and worshiping Him, too. Here a playlist!
  6. Pick one Bible verse from your church's weekly sermon and journal about what the verse taught you about God and how you can apply it to your life.
  7. Choose a Bible study that interests you, and don't worry about what others think. If you fall behind, don't stop or beat yourself up. The big picture is that God doesn't need you to stay up-to-date in the study for Him to work powerfully in your life. He'll meet you where you're at.

ACTION PLAN TIME: Here are some prompts for you to incorporate God's Word into your life TODAY:

  • In the car on the way to school or work, you can _____________.
  • As you're waiting for an appointment or meeting to begin, you can _________________.
  • As you're doing the laundry, washing dishes, or doing your hair, you can ______________________.
  • Before a difficult phone call or before responding to a tough text message, you can ________________________.

I'd love to hear from you. Please tell me which Bible engagement tips are most helpful for you. If you struggle with Bible reading, how did this week's devotional encourage you?

Less Stress. More Peace. Everyday!

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Do You Have Decision Fatigue? Five Tools to Help You De-Stress & Simplify Your Life

Do You Have Decision Fatigue? Five Tools to Help You De-Stress & Simplify Your Life

by | Sep 1, 2024 | Stronger Than Stress

Do you ever tire of having to figure things out?

I watched a recent advertisement from Microsoft that claims the average person makes up to 35,000 daily decisions, and several online sources confirm that data. That number may seem high, but it may not be too far off when you think about all the daily choices you are faced with, from easy to complex. Here are just a few of the things you might need to choose over any given day:

  • What to wear

  • Which chores to fit in before leaving for work in the morning

  • What to make for dinner

  • The best elder care option for your parents

The more decisions you need to make, the more tired you get. Experts call this "decision fatigue," the mental weariness from making too many decisions.

Our minds search for the fastest solution to make sense of our world. When too much is going on, our brains must spend extra energy, which causes mental fatigue.

When you're making decisions all day, every day, your mental exhaustion means that your mental tank is empty. Once your brain is worn out from making decisions, you'll drift toward mindless behaviors like internet scrolling or television. You have no concentration or focus, even if you want to pray or engage with the Bible. That robs you of the strength, peace, and guidance God has to give you.

To break the stress habit of too much stuff and to fight decision fatigue, you have to develop a new path forward and you need God power to stay on that path.

In my Stronger Than Stress book and Bible study, one of the spiritual practices is SIMPLICITY. The goal of spiritual simplicity isn't to strip your life down to one cup, one plate, one kind of shampoo, or a single pair of shoes. The practice of simplicity is making decisions through the filter of contentment so that your decisions do not distract you or disrupt your connection with God.

The apostle Paul identifies the goal of the practice of simplicity:

I was not ever in need, but I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:11–13)

Can you say that this is true for you? Contentment in God at all times and in all circumstances is vital to practicing simplicity. Some of us buy up more than we need because we're discontent with our lives. I have compassion for the complex, overwhelming situations that you're in. However, buying more will never make you happier. Only God can fulfill the deep need that you're grappling with today.

REFLECTION TIME: Are you struggling with decision fatigue?

  • What are the decisions that tire you out the most during the day?

  • How many of your decisions are because you own more than you can manage? (For example: clothes, brands of cereals, shampoo, etc).

  • Is there a possession that you would be angry at God if that item went away? (This question points to potential idols in your life.)

If this is a topic that pricks your heart, then I encourage you to lean into developing the spiritual practice of simplicity. Again, this isn't about God asking you to give up everything you own. But, God doesn't want what you have to own you. He desires for you to have mental space to focus on Him so that He can give you what you need..

In the meantime, here are five practical ideas to help you move toward simplicity:

Do you have too many clothes? Create a capsule wardrobe comprising five shirts, five pairs of pants, five layering pieces (e.g., sweaters, blazers, vests), five pairs of shoes, and five dresses. (You can also create a capsule wardrobe for your kids to cut down on laundry.)

Do you have too much clutter in your bathroom or kitchen? Establish a maximum number of household items that tend to get out of control, such as cereal brands, hair care products, streaming subscriptions, and televisions.

Do you hate figuring out what's for dinner? Create and alternate two weekly menus to simplify shopping and dinner choices.

Are you addicted to buying stuff? Institute a one-year fast from purchasing things that you already have too much of, such as body lotions, certain clothing items, and supplies for crafting or other hobbies.

Want to challenge yourself to declutter regularly? Once a month, eliminate or donate the number of items equaling the number of days in that month. (This is the one that I’m doing over Labor Day weekend!)

Some content from today's post was excerpted from the "Decluttering the Yeses" chapter of my Stronger than Stress Book. If you haven't read that chapter, it contains a lot of spiritual instruction and insights—check it out!

I'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU: Which parts resonated with you? Where are you suffering from decision fatigue? Which one of the simplicity tips is helpful for you?

 

Have a great week!

No More Spirit of Fear!

No More Spirit of Fear!

by | Jul 22, 2024 | Stronger Than Stress

I saw this meme on Sunday evening that made me laugh - and then, I thought “Ugh. That’s so true.”

As I continued to scroll on social media after seeing that post, I noticed the number of people  posting statements like:

This is too much.

I can't take any more.

I'm overwhelmed.

My friend, if you're reading today's devotional and you resonate with any of the statements above, I believe God has orchestrated for you to be here. I switched out this devotional for another because I felt like God wanted me to address the overwhelm and anxiety that so many are facing right now. As you read, allow God's Word take your fear and overwhelm captive by choosing to believe this biblical truth for yourself. Here we go:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline -2 Timothy 1:7 NLT

Let's discuss this verse in light of everything in your life. First, we must be clear on what God is giving and what He has not given.

God does not give us a spirit of fear. It's natural to be afraid when someone's been in an accident, or you have to have surgery. That's normal. Here's the problem: Too many of us live with a fear spirit within us. The spirit of fear looks like always waiting for something to go wrong,  looking for the worst to happen, a lack of gratitude, and a persistent negative attitude. Note: Satan is the one handing out the spirit of fear and feeding you lies that God doesn't care or hear your prayers, so you keep that spirit around.

God gives you power, love, and self-control. Stick with me as we unpack these three incredible gifts from God. These are the gifts that you need to help you face each day!

Power: This isn't human energy or effort; rather, the Greek word that the writer Paul uses describes a power empowered by Holy Spirit-driven power. Some of us are exhausted because we're trying to do everything in our strength. Our lives are too much! It's like trying to stop a train with your bare hands. Get it into your head that you need God's strength, and stop trying to handle life by yourself! (Okay, that felt stern, but I feel like someone needed me to lay it on the line like that - let me know if it was you. I care about you and want God's best for you!)

God's Spirit not only provides everything you need so that you can live for Jesus (2 Peter 1:3), but you also have the confidence that no news report, medical diagnosis, or crisis at home will be too much for you.. The Holy Spirit will provide the strength that you need for all things.

Love: God gives love because He IS love (1 John 4:8). God gives us His love, assuring us that we're not alone in what we're facing. You can't mess up God's love for you! I don't know who I'm speaking to today, but if you've stayed distanced from God because you've been away from church, been too busy to read your Bible, or anything else, God isn't disappointed in you. Come back to Him so you can fully experience the wonder and grace of His love!

Self-Control:  Depending on your translation, this verse might incorporate other phrases for self-discipline, like sound mind or self-control. When the world is overwhelmed, people try to numb out or find relief through unhealthy, unhelpful, or unholy methods. This could look like various addictions to numb or cope. This could also look like stress-related habits such as emotional eating, extreme shopping, excessive caffeine consumption, or too many hours in front of the television or social media.

A lack of control in those areas may not seem as dramatic as addiction, but does that matter if it's still not God's best for you?

God gives us self-control so we don't self-inflict ourselves with sin or habits that distract or hinder us from hearing God's leading. Even as God forgives, He also longs to spare us from the pain or consequences we must deal with after behaviors interrupt our fellowship with Him. Self-control equips us to focus on Jesus's way and experience the blessings of connection with God.

No matter what's happening in your life today, your great hope is remembering what God gives you: power, love, and self-control. He gives you these gifts from Himself, and that's precisely what you need to get through what you're going through.

The question is whether you will choose to continue living in a spirit of fear or open your hands today and pray: God, I want to receive what You have for me. I reject this spirit of fear. You've promised to give me power, love, and self-control. I receive those today. Amen.

I'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU:  As you reflect on today’s verse what resonates with you?

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