Surviving Holiday Stress: Surrender Principle #1

Surviving Holiday Stress: Surrender Principle #1

by | Nov 11, 2024 | Stronger Than Stress

Ladies, it's go time! We have just over two weeks until Thanksgiving. While we’re thinking about what dishes we're serving, travel plans, or stretchy pants to wear, some of us are already stressed or overwhelmed.

My goal is to equip you with godly wisdom and practical tools so that you can face this holiday season with less stress and more peace. Today, I’ll share a short, but powerful verse and then we’ll apply it using Surrender Principle #1. (If you need to know this principle, I'll tell you more soon. Trust me; it's so helpful!).

Let’s start with Romans 12:18 in the Amplified Version: If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Friends, there’s rich biblical wisdom in this verse, so focus on this: Romans 12:18 is one of many relational teachings from a first-century pastor named Paul, also known as the Apostle Paul. He planted a church and here, he’s writing to that church about how to live in a manner that honored God. Paul's teaching in Romans 12:18 patterns after how Jesus lived.

The Greek word for “peace” (eiréneuó) that Paul used doesn't mean that you're silent or have no opinions. Rather, in this context peace means that you work toward being an agent for healthy wholeness. You actively maintain Spirit-led wholeness in yourself and contribute toward the holy and healthy wholeness of others.

What is Paul not saying here? He's not teaching us to be doormats or targets. To be an agent of wholeness, you need boundaries around people who like to stir the pot, poke at your tender wounds, or even those who love you, but are careless with their words.

Romans 12:18 demonstrates that Paul is realistic about our lives as believers. Not everybody will act right. Just because you put a turkey on the table doesn’t mean that people will get along or be less vocal about their political views. Jesus never expected mean people to be kind, and neither should we. At the same time, the way of Jesus is knowing how to keep your peace and not lose it. (Remember, boundaries aren’t about trying to control the behavior of others. Boundaries are how you protect your heart, body, time, or resources. People may not agree with your boundaries, but the good news is that you don't need their permission.

In my Surrendered Bible study, there are six principles that help us let go of control and find peace. This is so important during the stressful holiday season. Here's Surrender Principle #1: I am not in control of others or outcomes.

Depending on your situation, that might be a different principle to accept. It's okay. I still have to coach myself on this principle, especially when it comes to family situations involving my adult kids, and I don't have the power to change. Rather than become stressed or depressed, I can turn that principle into a prayer: God, I am not in control of others or outcomes. But, You are in control, so I  surrender this situation to You and accept Your peace. Amen.

You may need to pray that prayer, too. I also want to share some practical tools for you to consider as you're planning your Thanksgiving time with family or friends. Ready? Here we go!

  1. Two-Hour Time Limit - There's no law that says you need to stay at the family gathering beyond the meal. Unless you are a hostage, you can leave. In fact, for decades, one of my dearest friends has kept a two-hour limit at her family gatherings. She noticed that after two hours, certain family members' tongues loosened due to full tummies and alcohol. After witnessing one too many upsetting post-meal family meltdowns, my friend enacted her two-hour limit. After eating, she visits, helps with early cleaning, and enjoys herself. Then, at the two-hour mark, she exits and doesn't owe anyone an explanation. Other family members started following her example. Their family gatherings are more peaceful and enjoyable. Think about trying this!
  2. "You may be right." - I learned this reply in Al-Anon years ago as a coping tool to deal with an intoxicated spouse who would often pick arguments to deflect guilt and shame. This phrase offers an escape path if you have someone who argues, doesn't listen, or tries to dominate conversations. Warning: This phrase might be tricky, especially if you know you're right, but humility reminds us that we're not right about everything Ultimately. But this response may offer a way to exit a conversation without getting pulled into an argument.
  3. QTIP - If you've done my Surrendered Bible study, you know how much I love QTIP! I also share this tool in my Stronger Than Stress book on page 80: "(This) slogan is a favorite of mine because it reminds me that whatever someone else is doing usually has nothing to do with me. This is the slogan you apply when someone does something that hurts you, but they act out of their own pain, selfishness, or wrong beliefs. Remind yourself that the actions of others do not determine your response. Keep your on Jesus and keep good boundaries."

JOIN THE CONVERSATION: Let me know if Romans 12:18, Surrender Principle #1, or the three practical tools inspired you. I'd love to hear from you! 

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God’s Promises When You’re “Pre-Stressing”

God’s Promises When You’re “Pre-Stressing”

by | Oct 13, 2024 | Stronger Than Stress

Do you pre-stress? My friend Sara shared this phrase with me and explained that "pre-stressing" is when anticipating a stressful experience before there's anything to be stressed about. You're so accustomed to becoming overwhelmed and anxious that you assume that every situation will be stressful before you ever step into the actual problem.

If that's you or something you know, I'm so glad you're here. I'm sharing four life-giving, encouraging verses from the Bible today. Even if you're not prone to pre-stressing, you can always use encouragement from scripture, right?

Let's jump back into "pre-stressing." If we break this word down, it will look like, "Before I even get into this situation, I'm going to assume that I can't handle it, I won't have time to do it, or dealing with it will make me feel miserable."

There are four categories of pre-stressing, which in my Stronger Than Stress book, I call these the four “stress starters”:

  • Uncertain – Insecure about an outcome

  • Unexpected – Taken by surprise and unable to process or adjust

  • Uncontrollable – Inability to fix or manage the situation

  • Uncomfortable – Uneasy or bothered by what's happening

Question: Which one of these tends to trigger stress for you? Are there specific situations that you can attach to these stress starters?

Pre-stressing sends you off into an emotional spiral before you ever take the time to remember that God’s power and peace can get you through whatever you’re going through. Instead of pre-stressing, take time today to equip yourself with God's promises. I'm so excited about this opportunity to encourage you today!

In my Stronger Than Stress book in Chapter 9, titled "God Promised It, I Believe It," I share four sets of verses on pages 113-114 that you can apply to each specific pre-stress starter. I'm sharing those verses with you below. I also include a particular application question so you can use God's Word as a mighty weapon against any pre-stressing you might be doing today.

Uncertainty

For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah. 29:11)

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. (Matthew 6:33)

What uncertain situation do I need to apply this to today? _____________________

Unexpected

The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. (Lamentations 3:22–23)

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrew 13:8)

 

What unexpected situation do I need to apply this to today? _____________________

 

Uncontrollable

I am the Lord, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me? (Jeremiah 32:27)

Jesus looked at them intently and said, "Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God, everything is possible." (Matthew 19:26)

What uncontrollable situation do I need to apply this to today? _____________________

 

Uncomfortable

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

Each time, he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

What uncomfortable situation do I need to apply this to today? _____________________

 

I'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU! I hope that you feel encouraged after reading those sets of verses. I'd love to hear from you about whether pre-stressing is a thing for you and which verse resonated with you today.

Do You Need a To-Don’t List?

Do You Need a To-Don’t List?

by | Oct 7, 2024 | Stronger Than Stress

This weekend I was the guest speaker to a beautiful group  at Saturday's Northern Arizona Women's Conference in Flagstaff, AZ. We had a beautiful day in the Arizona mountains, worshipping, connecting, eating delicious food, and learning how to overcome our stress and overwhelm by living in Jesus' peace.

I shared the To-Don't List concept at the conference and the ladies responded so positively that I want to bring this conversation to you. 

Special Request: I’d love to hear your feedback about today’s devotional because I may turn this into a workshop. You can hit reply and type “Helpful,” “It’s okay,” or “Not an issue for me.”

What inspired my To-Don’t List concept…As I share key themes from my new Stronger Than Stress book and Bible study, women frequently comment that they are doing too much. One of the types of overwhelm that I address in the book and Bible study is OVER-FUNCTIONING.

This overwhelm happens when you say "yes" to more than you have time or energy to do. In my experience, women who over-function are often high-capacity women who can do lots of things. The problem is that just because you can doesn't mean you should.

With this in mind, listen to what Jesus teaches about our life priorities:

And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.' The second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' No other commandment is greater than these." - Mark 12:30-31 NLT

Loving God isn’t about performance, but it is about a personal relationship with a Holy God. How do you show love to the people in your life? Time spent with them. You are learning about them and enjoying the connection with them. Our relationship with God flourishes when we think about Him during the day, talk with Him, listen for His leadings, and obey what He calls us to do. However, if you're doing too much, an entire day can pass by without connecting with God or even thinking about Him.

What does this have to do with a To-Don't List? If we look at Jesus' declaration of our priorities, the two questions that we must ask ourselves is this:

  1. Do you take time to nurture your relationship with God each day?
  2. Do you make time to take care of yourself every day?

If the answer to those questions is "yes," that's great! However, if the answer to one or both questions is "no," then you may be over-functioning, and a To-Don't List could be a practical tool to help you.

The To-Don't List is a helpful, stress-preventing tool that equips you to pre-decide (a favorite word from my friend, Kathi Lipp) what distractions undermine or distract you from spending time with God and taking good care of yourself.

Step One: Be Clear About Your Daily To-Do List

Mindset matters! What you believe to be actual deep inside of you will reveal itself in your behaviors. Many of us love God, but we've put God off to the side because we're carrying too much on our plates. However, we forget that God is sovereignly and powerfully capable of carrying the weight on our plate.

Unfortunately, our mindset is that once we finish the urgent tasks in our lives, then we’ll make time for God. Except our daily to-do lists are so long that we never finish them, so time with God is hit or miss. This also happens with our self-care. We say we must, but we take care of everyone else first. By then, we're too tired we're too tired to work out or we’re too tired to make healthy meals so we grab fast food.

IMPORTANT: Please don't drift into self-condemnation on this - but if you feel the gentle conviction of God's Spirit, that’s because God wants more FOR you! God knows that you might be struggling through the day and that His strength can make you stronger than your stress. But only you can make room to receive it.

As someone who can easily over-function, I made a To-Do list years ago that reflected my belief that my top priority is loving God, myself, and others. My daily To-Do List has five items: good sleep, healthy food, moving my body, time with God, and meaningful connections with others.

I've discovered that when I take care of my daily To-Do's, I'm more productive than if I was sleep-deprived, eating poorly, achy from no exercise, etc. The blessing is that I can accomplish so much more because I'm connected to God and His strength, and my body is rested and prepared for the daily work that I need to do. One of the a-ha moments in my life was recognizing that my To-Do’s needed my best energy of the day, not my exhausted fumes.

Question: What To-Do's do you need to establish so that your everyday life reflects God's priorities?

Step Two: Investigate Why You're Over-functioning

Everything that we do is attached to some belief or motivation. This can be an uncomfortable process getting to the root of why you're over-function, but the truth can set you free.

Here are six questions that can help you identify some areas of your life that need to be added to your To-Don't List. Journaling these questions or processing them with a trusted friend might be helpful.

  1. What activity/obligation do you dread each time it comes up on your calendar?
  2. What obligation/possession costs you more time than you have available or more money than you can afford?
  3. What activity/obligation have you said "yes" to because you liked someone asking you or were expected to do it?
  4. What are you doing because it looks impressive to others or it props up your low self-esteem?
  5. Do you like being the one that comes to the rescue?
  6. What are you afraid to let go of? Why?

Step Three: Brainstorm Some To-Don'ts and Test Them Out

If you have your To-Do's and a few potential To-Don'ts, it's time to test them out. You don't start over-functioning overnight, so it might take 30-60 days to see if you have the right To-Do's and To-Don't for this season of your life. Don't forget to pray and ask God for His guidance!

For example, I don't keep my phone in my bedroom at night. I believe that I do better during the day when I start my day with God. If my phone stays next to me, I'm wise enough to know that my phone will distract me, so that's why plugging it in my room is on my To-Don't List. I also don't keep desserts in my home. I don't have good self-control with desserts. Since loving myself is a belief, I needed to put buying desserts at the store on my To-Don't List. (I happily eat dessert when I'm out, especially ice cream.)

My To-Don'ts are mine so you may have different ones on your list. But here's what's essential for you to understand about the To-Don't list: This specific list of behaviors reflects the mindset or beliefs you believe about yourself or want to be true about yourself.

In Case You're Anxious About Starting To-Don't List...

Feeling anxious or panicky about letting go of some things is okay. You might be worried about disappointing others or that things might fall apart. However, I have a few mindset shifts that you may need to pray about making your own:

God hasn't called you to be everything to everybody. You don't need to feel pressured to fix every problem you find out about.

People may be temporarily disappointed if you can't help them or you need to resign or quit. But it is better to temporarily disappoint them than negatively impact your physical, spiritual, or emotional health.

If your departure leaves an empty spot, they will either fill it if it's critical or left empty, which means it wasn't needed.

If you are working crazy hours toward a goal or achieving a dream, your achievement won't be worth it without a satisfying relationship with God.

I'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU! Is over-functioning a challenge for you? What is on your Daily To-Do List? What about your To-Don't List?

Letting Go of Trying to Fix Your Struggling Friends

Letting Go of Trying to Fix Your Struggling Friends

by | Sep 15, 2024 | Uncategorized

Do you ever experience impatience when a Christian friend can’t seem to get herself together? Maybe you’re tired of hearing the same problem repeated or you’re frustrated because she won’t take the needed steps to address her issues. What can you do?

Today's post offers a powerful biblical reminder and practical wisdom so we can love our friends well - especially when their healing journey with God is moving slower or messier than we'd like.

Why do we become impatient or frustrated when someone in our lives can’t get it together?

Maybe we’re tapping our feet wondering when God’s going to answer our prayers on their behalf. Perhaps, we feel like our friend isn’t working hard enough or trusting God enough to get it together. Or, are we struggling with our own control issues that sound like: "If she would only do what I'm telling her to do, then she’d get over this!"

Can you relate to any of these?

There could be other possibilities, but those came to mind. Now, what I'm not saying here is that we should be overlook or become complacent with a friend’s never-ending struggle, a repeating sin or spiritual immaturity. Galatians 6:1 teaches us to gentle and humbly help those who are struggling. Sometimes, we forget the gentle and humble part and instead, we become annoyed and impatient.

Here’s the question: How do we love our Christian sisters in a way that reflects God's grace, His desire for their freedom AND healthy boundaries?

Our attitude toward our Christian sisters should reflect the teaching in Colossians 3:12-14 NLT:

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.

Look at all of the characteristics that we’re to display. Don’t miss this - notice the underlined portion. How do you make allowance for your friend’s struggle? Do you need to stop expecting her to get it together on your timeline?

Here are some practical tools that may help you today:

  1. Validate her struggle as an act of love: This sounds like, "That must be so hard for you!" Validation doesn't mean that you approve of her struggle or behavior, only that you're listening to her pain with your head and heart. Bonus: I’ve included great “listening” questions to ask at the end of this devotional!

  2. Avoid minimizing – Minimizing can happen when you say, "Oh, at least you're not going through what Susie experienced..." or shift from her struggle to talking about yours. While your attempt is to relate or show empathy, it conveys that others' experiences are more important than hers.

  3. Don't panic! Don't apply your worst-case scenarios to her life.  Unless a friend is facing a physical threat, take your finger off the temptation trigger of "She’s doomed if she can’t get it together.” God is still in control, so remember that the Bible’s promises are just as true for her as they are for you.

  4. Consider whether your opinion or advice should be prayers to God instead:  It's so easy to use our words to fix others, but what if you stopped giving advice to your friend and put that effort into praying for her this week?

  5. Know your boundaries & set your limits - You have permission to set limits on conversations for your own mental health and well-being. Wait to return texts or phone calls when you can handle them. Also, you can set a timer for the duration you can handle. Maybe it's ten minutes or even only two minutes. You have permission to say, "I can talk about this for five minutes. Then I want to pray for you, or else I'll be tempted to give advice, and you need God's help more than my opinion."

Ultimately, loving our Christian sisters means we must make allowances for their struggles, even when they aren't getting over them as quickly as we'd like. Healthy Christian sisterhood can include prayer and boundaries. Most of all, there’s hope in remembering that God sees your friend and you aren’t responsible for fixing her struggle.

Great Questions to Ask Your Struggling Friends - from my Stronger than Stress book:

  • What is hard about this for you?

  • How have you been praying about this?

  • Where have you seen God working in this situation?

  • What is the outcome that you are hoping for?

  • What would it mean for you to trust God in this situation?

These questions are a way to point her back to letting the Holy Spirit speak without you attempting to play the Holy Spirit in her life.

I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU: What resonated with you ? What was challenging for you? Post a comment and share your thoughts with me.

Less Stress. More Peace. Every Day!

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