by Barb Roose | Jul 3, 2017 | Reflections
This verse came to mind yesterday as I was fighting the waves. I got knocked on my behind a few times and God used it to remind me of some important encouragement that I want to share with you.
Check out the following video (Click here to watch) that I recorded yesterday while at the Palma Real Hotel right outside of La Ceiba. (Fun fact: When I visited this resort in 2010, the cast and crew from Italy’s Survivor was filming on a nearby island off. The entire group would come back each night to relax and make a lot of noise at the resort.)
If you have three minutes as you brush your teeth or wait for your next appointment, watch the video above. There’s some encouragement for anyone who has ever felt like the waves of life were a little too much.
by Barb Roose | Feb 25, 2017 | Reflections
By Barb Roose
Have you seen the movie, Hidden Figures? I’ve talked about it so much that someone should cut me in on the profits for my publicity work – ha!
Not only did the movie capture my heart, the movie also reminded me that there are hundreds of not thousands of hidden figures in the black community. This matters to me because those stories don’t surface that often. I am grateful for the achievements of modern day African-Americans, which we hear about all of the time. Yet, I need to know about the contributions of those who helped build our country and those who elevated my way of life.
So, here’s my list of seven bold, black & beautiful African American women who’ve inspired my life. This isn’t my entire list, but I hope that these women inspire you, too. I’d love for you to tell me your list of bold, black & beautiful women. Let your list in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you!
LOOKING FOR MORE BLACK HISTORY MONTH EXPERIENCES? Check out my most recent Better Together podcast featuring Cara Meredith, daughter-in-law of civil rights icon, James Howard Meredith. We’re talking about racial justice and being mamas of bi-racial children in or racially-divided country. Listen to my interview below:
by Barb Roose | Sep 12, 2016 | Reflections, Women's Topics
How often do you look in the mirror and struggle with what you see?
Remember when we used to love hanging out with each other? Hmm, how old were we back then – two or three years old? How cute were we! Ahh, in those early years we couldn’t get enough of each other. We snuggle up close and do kissy-lips with at each other. We’d play endless games of hide-n-seek. By the way, you’re horrible at that game! Whenever it was my turn to count, I’d peek while counting and you never moved. What’s up with that?
Remember when I was ten years old? That’s when stupid Marcus told me that I was ugly and I had a big nose? I barely made it home from school without melting down. I ran right to the bathroom looking for you. Tears were streaming down my face as Marcus’ awful words screamed in my head.
Don’t you remember how I put my face right up against yours? I searched your eyes hoping that you’d show me that Marcus was wrong. I wanted you to smile at me and make me feel that I was okay as I was. But, you didn’t.
For me, that was the day that we stopped being friends. Correction: That was the day that YOU stopped being my friend.
Yet, we still see each other every day.
Let me apologize for what I look like in the mornings. I’ll admit that it’s a bad scene for both of us. My hot-mess hair and puffy eyes – okay, that’s all on me. (What happens overnight anyways? I always feel like I’m in some overnight street fight and lose every single time…)
Throughout the day, we catch glimpses of each other. A quick look here. A snatch of a glance there. You see me and just that quick, you always look away. No smiles. No kindness. No comfort. Whatever.
You’ve seen me I strap on my courage and strip down in the department store dressing room. Why weren’t you kinder when I tried on that pink skirt and got stuck in it? That size SHOULD HAVE FIT. I was so crushed when it didn’t. Again tears. Again I look at you. Again, all you gave me was a cold stare.
Sometimes I hate you.
Whenever I walk away from you, I want to turn back and scream, “Why aren’t you there for me? Why aren’t you on my side?”
You’ve betrayed me by not loving me. You’ve seen me at my best and worst. Yet, you never show me the support that I need. We share the same heart, the same mind and the same body and yet, you make me feel so bad about myself. I can’t win with you!
You can’t make me 20 pounds thinner, but is it so hard to give me a freakin’ smile every now and then?
Is it so hard for you to give me a thumbs up when I stop in the restaurant bathroom while I’m out with my skinner, more stylish friends?
It’s been a long time, but today, I’m getting all up in your face. We’ve got settle whatever is between us. This stops now. Today. We’re going stop blaming our issues on school bullies, skinny supermodels, unrealistic expectations or the cookies that we can’t stop eating.
This is between you and me.
Tell me, how do we patch things up between us?
I want to know that you are with me. When we look at each other, I want to look in your eyes and see that you’re on my side. I need you to stop giving me reason to criticize my face, hair, hips, breasts or arms and cheer for me instead. I want to look in your eyes and see that I am beautiful. I want to see that I am enough.
What will it take for you to do that?
Wait – are you saying something? Hold on…please whisper a little louder.
My friend, if you want me to love you, start with loving yourself. I’m just reflecting what’s going on inside of you.
The key to being friends with me is the show me what you want to see.
Do you want to see me smile? Then, you smile first.
Do you want to see me cheer for you? Then, you cheer first.
My beautiful friend, I’ll gladly follow your path, but you’ve got to learn how to lead the way.
TALK BACK TIME! What part of your body do you struggle with the most? Leave a comment below and share this post with your friends!
P.S. If you’re tired of hating the woman in the mirror, check out my Beautiful Already Bible study. Give God space to transform how you see yourself – inside AND out!
Available at major Christian retailers across the country.
by Barb Roose | Aug 2, 2016 | Reflections, Women's Topics
Three tips to calm down, step back and not freak out when people act all funky around you.
by Barb Roose
photo credit: reachingutopia.com
Yesterday, my husband and I were eating breakfast. Actually, he was eating breakfast while I stared at his plate. I slowly sipped a half a cup of orange juice because I planned to do my yoga workout later that morning. If you’ve done yoga, you know that eating before a workout is an express ticket pass to nausea and in my case, vomiting.
Without any food to keep my mouth busy, I decided to strike up a conversation. Attempt #1:
ME: “How do you feel about the upcoming election?”
HUBBY: “I’m taking a break from the coverage.”
ME: “Oh.” Strike One.
I sipped my juice and looked down again at the newspaper searching for a new topic of conversation. There wasn’t much to work with. Conversation attempt #2: “Hey babe, the National Amateur Baseball Federation is going to be in town.”
And you thought that my life was more interesting that yours…
My husband quirked an eyebrow and I took that as a cue that he wanted to hear more. So, I read the entire list of the conventions that would be in our area. Still, no response. So, I made one last attempt “Did you see the new patents issued in the business section today?”
I kid you not. I actually said that.
Matt kept eating and listened patiently as I read the list of new patents given out and I can never get those lame two minutes back ever again. Afterward, he thanked me for breakfast and hustled upstairs leaving me at the dining room table to sulk. Here I was available for thrilling conversation on a Monday morning and it seems that my husband had better things to do. Of all the nerve!
As I sat at the dining room table as the only guest to my Monday Morning Pity Party, I churned on how hurt I was over the morning’s lack of conversation. Clearly, I cared my deeply about our relationship more than my hubby. Armed with sufficient indignation, I worked up more woe-is-me sentiments:
If he really cared about me, he would have…
I can’t believe that he…
Why am I the only one who…
My husband bounded down the steps less than 10 minutes later. He grabbed his keys and kissed me on the cheek. Turns out, he’d been pre-occupied at breakfast with a list of important tasks. His goal that morning was to get out the door to take care of business before heading to work.
Interesting. He was pre-occupied with something that had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with me.
And yet, I’d spent the last 15 minutes of my life making our morning interaction ALL ABOUT ME…
THE FOUR LETTERS THAT I NEED TO TATTOO SOMEWHERE ON MY BODY
Have you ever heard of the phrase Q-TIP? It stands for Quit Taking It Personally. I heard this phrase about a month ago and when I manage to remember it, this phrase quickly changes my outlook on negative relational situations.
There are times in life when we feel that others are out to make our lives miserable by their actions or their attitudes. The closer we are to the individual, the more painful their behavior feels. Here are some examples of times when we’re tempted to take things personally:
- The co-worker who is always rude when you ask her to cover your shift.
- The Facebook friend who keeps posting stupid videos about the candidate that she knows that you can’t stand.
- The sister or sibling who constantly gossips about you or your kids.
- The neighbor who borrowed $200 last summer and hasn’t paid you back yet.
- The family member who lies or steals from you because of an addiction.
- When your best friend is always, always late. Like always. All of the time. She couldn’t be on time even if time stood still.
REPEAT AFTER ME: THEIR RUDE, CARELESS OR BAD BEHAVIOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
I love this quote:
In these situations, our first thought that they are intentionally trying to hurt our feelings or ruin our day with their funky behavior. Therefore, we conclude that their funky-funkiness is 100% absolute, undeniable proof that they do not care about us like we care about them.
So, what happens next? We get funky right back! Unfriend. Unfollow. Block. Ignore. Blame. Retaliate. They hurt our feelings and so we’re going to hurt their back, right?
Here’s the reality: When someone acts like a jerk or unintentionally hurts you, he or she is acting based on their own stress, selfishness, anger or pain. It has nothing, absolutely NOTHING to do with you.
How does Q-TIP help us? Here are three ways that remembering this phrase can change or your day – or even your life:
- “Q-TIP” reminds me not to jump to conclusions.
There is always a backstory to whatever people are saying or doing in front of us. As the popular saying goes, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Friends, we’re all slugging through life and we’re all doing the best that we can.
So, can we give people “grace and space.” If someone acts funky toward you, step back, stay calm and be silent. Hustle out of there if he or she has a track record of getting physically angry!
Wait for him or her to calm down and then, consider whether or not you need to speak up and address the situation.
Speak up because you respect yourself, not because you expect them to change or apologize.
2. “Q-TIP” reminds me that I don’t have to “feel their feelings.”
Oh, my sweet sisters! How many of us have messed up ourselves by getting too wrapped up in the lives of others? There’s a difference between holding someone’s hand for support versus being their emotional crutch. Honey, don’t let someone wear you out with her drama!
3. “Q-TIP” frees me to care about people, without having to control them.
We always get in trouble when we try to “fix” someone’s feelings. If we end up in a situation with someone who’s in a bad mood, let them be Mr. or Mrs. Grumpypants. Don’t try to talk them out of it. Why? Because they aren’t thinking about you in that moment, but they will turn on you because they’re looking for an outlet for their frustration. Don’t let it be you!
Thanks for checking out today’s post. I’d love for you to share a comment and tell me which one of these three Q-TIPS might be the most helpful for you? By the way, if you think that your friends might enjoy this post, use the share buttons at the top or bottom to pass it along!
by Barb Roose | Jul 18, 2016 | Reflections
My husband and I were talking about the events of the past few weeks. We've spent a lot of time parsing through the different shootings and political or media angles that Americans are struggling to understand.
During our conversation, it struck me that it takes A LOT for people of different races to actually be able to talk about race without getting angry or defensive. It is truly a hard thing to do. In our home, talking about race is complex. My husband is Caucasian and I’m African-American. We married only 25 years after Loving vs. Virginia (1967) legalized interracial marriage in all 50 states.
Richard and Mildred Loving and their children. A movie about their court case will release in Fall 2016.
My husband and I come from different backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives. He grew up in a small, rural community and I was raised in a small town. Yet, we have to talk about race because it impacts our lives often. And not all of those conversations are easy. Some have been excruciatingly difficult.
I never set out to marry someone from a different race. I don’t think that my husband did either. Love happens, y’all. When we married, both sides of our families struggled with our union. And not just because of race. Also, because back then we were young, broke and expecting a child.
And one question persisted: “But what about your children?”
When I was in labor with my oldest child in 1992, our family held its collective breath. Not me. I needed to push a kid out. As I pushed, I also wondered whether we were having a boy or a girl. I also wondered if our baby would be light or dark. Which side of the melatonin gene pool would win?
When our child was born, skin-color took a backseat to love. For a short period of time. Our oldest daughter was the first grandchild on one side of the family and the first granddaughter on the other. Everyone fell in love at first sight.
We hoped that love would win out for good. It did for us. But not for everyone.
Raising our oldest opened our eyes to an entirely new experience with race. We still laugh about the time when my husband was out at the library with our oldest daughter. Someone asked him: “So, when did you get her?” It took my husband a few moments to realize that the person assumed that our daughter was adopted because of her latte-colored skin. My husband replied: "From the hospital."
When our middle daughter was born in 1995, her skin color was lighter than my very fair husband’s skin. It freaked me out. When I placed my hand next to hers, the stark contrast overwhelmed me. A fear settled into my heart: What if no one believes that she’s mine? What if someone tries to take her from me?
Top left: Our oldest daughter; bottom left: our youngest daughter and our middle daughter is on the right.
If she was lost in a store or sick, I worried that someone in authority would question whether or not I was her mother.
Embedded within that worry was the fear that someone would look at my child’s light skin and decide that based on my skin color that some other mother - a Caucasian mother - was better for my daughter.
Was my fear irrational or not? Well, if I had a dollar for all of the times that I was asked if she was my daughter, I’d own a lot more shoes! In fact, I actually carried a family photo in my wallet until my middle daughter started calling me, “Mommy.”
Our youngest daughter arrived in August 2000 after a difficult pregnancy. She was our miracle baby. We gave thanks that she came out healthy. I also gave thanks because she came out mocha like than me, albeit a shade lighter. I was surprised and relieved. Also, selfish. Finally, I birthed a kid that I didn’t have to worry that someone would question whether I was her mother.
My kids' skin and hair color created an unwelcomed spectacle. When they were toddlers, I didn't put them on display, but people felt comfortable making all kinds of comments.
Over the years, I heard all of the comments, "Oh, bi-racial children are just the cutest." I'd smile and thank them - then move it along before my kids became a sideshow attraction.
At other times I would be asked, "Wow, are all of these yours?" I'm not sure if you've ever been questioned about whether or not your child was yours, but it's an experience that you'll want to skip. Quick tip: If you aren't sure about whether or not someone's child is theirs or not, don't ask. Unless you see that kid on a "Missing Child" poster, it's actually none of your business. If curiosity is killing you, try offering, "Tell me about your family."
Being the mama of three bi-racial girls with three different types of hair textures was a challenge. We owned A LOT of hair product. And none of their hair was exactly like mine. Their dad's genes showed up and scared me. Talk about a learning curve! I did not realize that Caucasian hair tangled so easily. Those tangles were no joke! I spent too much of my life combing out tangles. I spent my childhood in braids and mom only had to wash my hair a few times a month. With three bi-racial kids and daily hairwashing, there was a lot of crying in my house. Mostly by me. One of my daughters was just a few seconds from getting her hair completely buzzed....
One of the toughest race-related conversations my husband and I had was over what race circle our kids would fill-in on standardized testing. Talk about lots of long conversations! When my oldest daughter began school, kids still had to choose one racial demographic. That was stressful! We didn’t want our girls to deny any part of who they were for any reason.
We considered our nation’s history with race and decided at that time that we never wanted our kids to deny the African-American part of them. So, we made the decision for her to fill-in the African-American circle.Thankfully, a few short years later testing demographics expanded and all three girls could fill-in “bi-racial.” Now that my kids are older, I navigate the positives and consequences of the decisions that we made for them long-ago.
Fast-forward a lifetime. Our oldest two daughters are adults and one is in high school. We've navigated all types of experiences in life. Some good. Some bad. Some heartbreaking. Some experiences are still filtering through...
My girls are walking their own journey with race. I’m sure that there are a few stories that they’ll tell us in the years to come. I ask myself: Did we talk about race enough?
I hope so. Probably not. Maybe...
But, I hope that we raised them to feel connected to both sides of their heritage. Did we? I think, but I also wonder if it was enough. As their parents, we did our best to put them in environments where they could make friends of all races. We live in an urban neighborhood and our kids’ private Christian school grew in diversity over the years. In fact, one of our girls had three besties in high school. This group of brilliant young women were called “The United Nations” because of their diversity – and one of the girls actually landed a scholarship because of her friendships with the other girls. I love that story!
It's the kind of story that gives me hope.
I’m praying that if we can’t figure out how to get ourselves out of this mess, maybe our children will see our mistakes and steer a path far away from our prejudice and racism.
Thanks for stopping by! Join the conversation in the comments. What suprised you about my story? What is your experience? Let's listen and respect each other in the comments.
by Barb Roose | Jul 7, 2016 | Reflections
One night, I walked into a neighborhood pub. As soon as the door closed behind me, an unknown voice yelled: “What’s that nigger doing in here?”
Was someone talking about me?
I stopped. The room silenced. An electric pause buzzed the air.
My mind calculated what I’d just heard. Then, a thought: Oh, I KNOW that he did not just say that to me.
Another moment passed. A volcano of rage started to bubble deep within. Let me take my shoes off. Earrings, too. Somebody – SOMEBODY, hold my purse.
That incident happened over 20 years ago, however, I remember it like yesterday. On that night, I walked in to enjoy some dinner. Except someone decided that I didn’t belong.
Not based on my personality,
Not based on my family background,
Not based on my ability to pay,
Not based on my company,
BUT based on my skin color, I was unacceptable.
I gazed around the room wondering if anyone would speak up or even say something – anything.
Silence.
So, what did I do?
I held my head high, glided through the hushed crowd and took my seat at the table. Yes, I did.
I suspect that some of you are questioning, “Was it really that bad?” or “Are you sure?” You’re shocked that those things could have happened to me.
But they did. In my early adult years, I learned how to ignore the sales staff that helicoptered while I shopped for shoes. I learned the importance of not messing with my purse while browsing merchandise. I embraced driving 10 miles UNDER the speed limit in certain communities – especially if I was driving at night.
Those situations never shocked me, but I hesitated to recount them because of the shocked-responses from others. Racism thrives in part because it shocks the majority into disbelief. I’ve heard responses such as:
“Are you sure?”
“I can’t believe it…”
“That can’t be!”
“Say it ain’t so!”
Unless you’ve been a direct victim or eyewitness of someone who’s experienced racism, stories about racism will always be shocking.
Yesterday, a cell phone camera captured police restraining an African-American man named Alton Sterling on the ground. Then, those same officers fatally shot Sterling while restraining him. Much of America is in shock. But, not those who’ve been wrestled to the ground like Sterling. Not those of us who’ve witnessed our fathers and brothers stopped for no reason, hassled or pulled from their cars. We’re not in shock. We’re a lot of things – angry and sad sums up a lot. It seems that each #shootingincident buries us deeper into the struggle over of the color of our skin and the fear that lurks within.
There’s nothing about our first-world mindset that wants to accept that racism could be just as pervasive as it was when men began wearing white sheets and Africans exited boats in chains. Apparently, we’re not as awesome as we think we are. Seriously, we discovered how to fly, found a vaccine for polio, developed a nuclear bomb, put a man on the moon, learned how to record on a VCR, taught Grandma how to use Facebook and elected a black man as president twice —
Yet, we can’t accept that racism is woven deeply into the fabric of our American experience.
In our mental model, racists hang out with murders or pedophiles. So, a racist couldn’t possibly be the fun neighbor up the street or the sales manager in your office. We don’t want to call someone a racist unless we can SEE them being racist.
But, how do we call out people who harbor racism in their hearts? Even more so, how do we call it out in ourselves?
You just thought that I called you racist. I didn’t. Only you can answer that. But, I do want you to consider how you’ve been impacted by the roots of racism in your family of origin.
What you believe about race is influenced by the generations of conversations and experiences that happened long before you were born. Your great-grandparents sat and around the table and talked about race. Your grandparents heard them. Your parents heard your grandparents. You listened to your parents. I’m not saying that you agreed with all that was said, but you’ve got to be aware of how those words and stories influenced your thoughts, feelings or behaviors.
Questions to consider:
- When you were a kid hanging out at family gatherings, how did your family talk about race or people from different races?
- Are there any race-related incidents in your family’s history that turned into stories that you were told as a child? How did those incidents impacted how your family lived?
- What are your operating stereotypes? (Asians are smart, black women are loud, black men are scary, white people are fake)
- What are some of the hot-button issues that you know would create tension if you discussed them with someone of another race? Why would those issues create tension?
- What would a friendship with someone from another race look like? (It would not be a true friendship unless you could talk about race.)
So, what now?
- Love must lead the way.
Some of you are tired of hearing people like me talk about ‘love.’ For you, love is for Valentine’s Day. Love is something that gets hot and heavy on Friday night. You don’t really believe that love is a potent power in our universe that can actually affect change. Maybe it’s because we really don’t know how to love. We’ve cheapened it and now, we think that the strategy of love has failed us. Except, our back-up plans of ignorance, hate and anger haven’t worked either.
I love Martin Luther King Jr’s vision for the future. He had hope because he believed in people. He believed in us! He knew that racism would never be eliminated by laws or lawsuits – even though he fought for legal and social justice. But Dr. King preached the same thing Jesus preached long ago: Unconditional love is the only road to the elimination of racism. Racism will die once our unconditional love for each other comes alive.
Love is not a feeling. Love is an action. Love is THE ONLY strategy that can save us from society-destructing ourselves. You’ve got to remove your limits on your love for people. Here’s the ultimate test for love: Decide now that you will lay down your life for another human, no matter their race or culture. When you decide to display that kind of love, then you carry the torch of hope for our tortured nation.
Check out Dr. King’s words:
“I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality… I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.”
2. Labels lie. Relationship reveals the truth.
Here’s the thing: We feed what we believe. As long as we believe that all black men might steal our purse or that all white people will stab us in the back, those lying labels will keep us far apart from each other. When we stop looking for evidence to feed our faulty beliefs, then we’ll be willing to open ourselves up.
What would it look like for you to develop a relationship with someone from another race? It’s more than having a “black friend at the office” or “having a white girl to roll with on Friday night.” It means that you get to know someone well enough that you can talk about the things that matter in life. It means that you can agree to disagree – still love each other. It means that you can come from different cultural or socioeconomic perspectives and still respect each other’s viewpoint, even though you may not completely understand it.
3. Start new conversations with your family
If you ever expect that future generations will move away from where we are today, then we have to give them a new target. Focusing them on the target of developing authentic relationships begins with authentic conversation.
How can you have new conversations with your kids or older family members? Consider this:
- Eliminate “them” and “they” when talking with your kids about race. Use actual names and tell personal stories when you talk with your kids about people from different races or cultures.
- Discover how race has impacted your family by talking with older members of your family. Start with the question: “What do you think about what happened to Alton Sterling?” Now, the tension reappears once they finish talking. How do you respond to their answer? Pastor Andy Stanley suggests these questions that you can ask without fear of offending: What led you to that viewpoint? Have you always believed this way?
- Can you promise me that you’ll memorize this verse before talking to ANYONE? Here it is: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.” -James 1:19
Speaking out about race isn’t easy. Our experiences with race are just as personal as they are collective. So, thank you for stopping by and checking out this post. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how we as individuals can be the light of hope in American’s dark night of racism. Please leave a comment below.
This verse came to mind yesterday as I was fighting the waves. I got knocked on my behind a few times and God used it to remind me of some important encouragement that I want to share with you.
