by Barb Roose | Jul 31, 2018 | Women's Topics
It’s Sunday afternoon. I’m sitting at my departure gate at the Charlotte Airport, still hyped up by two glorious days at the She Speaks Conference hosted by Proverbs 31. Last summer I received an invitation to be a workshop presenter at this year’s conference. I loved attending as a participant in 2013 and 2014. Over the past twelve months, I prayed that God would use me to bless those ladies. On top of that She Speaks is a premier event, both highly respected and valued. I knew that teaching at the event would make the highlight reel of my career so far.
Little did I know that the 25 days before I left for the conference would be as P31 President Lysa TerKeurst characterized during her opening keynote message, “licking the floor of hell.”
Teaching at She Speaks Conference 2018 in the workshop “Keeping your J-O-B while launching your ministry.”
Figuring out how to start this post is tough, especially since the situation has been unfolding for many years and so much has happened just recently. I can’t really even point to a beginning, but by 2008 I realized that there might be an on-going problem. Back then, it was discussed. After, I figured that it was fixed. Then, a crisis in 2011, followed by a disaster in 2015. Now, this is just a season of on-going pain and loss.
It’s hard to figure out how to talk about something that you’re really not free to talk about…
If you come from a family that keeps white elephants as pets, you know what I mean. Over the past few years, I’ve tried to find ways to allude to what’s going on even though I couldn’t share the details. If you’ve read my Winning the Worry Battle book, there’s a low-key reference on page 14:
One of the scariest cliffhangers in my life has had me dangling by my fingertips on the edge for a few years. I wish I knew how or when it might end, but I don’t.
There’s another reference in the chapter titled, “Secret Weapon” on page 171:
Over the years, I’ve tried fasting periodically until a season of my life when my worry skyrocketed into the stratosphere. That new worry battle was either going to destroy me or create an opportunity for a new perspective on discipleship where I allowed God to reshape and remold me in a radical new way.”
Until recently, that was all that I could do. This might not be a big deal to you, but it has been painful for me. Integrity is at the top of my value list, along with authenticity and vulnerability. While our family and friends are fully aware of what’s been going on, it hasn’t been appropriate until now to talk about it in a public setting. In the past year, the gap between my ministry life and my actual life widened far past my comfort zone. I’ve felt the pain of that gap every single day. About 10 days ago I sensed a release from God to begin closing that gap.
But this means that I have to tell you the deepest, most painful place in my heart and life. It’s a raw, bleeding space with broken edges and dripping tears that I want to keep safe from criticism, gossip and well, nosy people. Telling my story opens up the possibility of more pain. But, as I learned last night when I spoke for the first time to a group of women at a Bible study at my church, maybe something good can happen. Like women who hugged my neck last night and whispered a low, “Thank you for sharing. This same situation happened to me.”
Here are words that I prayed for so long that I’d never have to say…
On July 1, I had to move myself and my two younger daughters out of our home and away from my husband of 26 years. I am the wife of a good man who struggles with a long-term alcohol addiction.
Family is a fabric. When someone we love begins to unravel, eventually we all fall apart. With a broken heart, I have to tell you that my family has fallen apart.
For the past 10 years, I’ve cried, plead, prayed, fasted, and begged God to rescue our family from a tool that Satan has been using to destroy someone that we deeply and dearly love.
If you grew up in a similar situation or lived in the pain of a marriage affected by this struggle, you know that every road is unique, but without recovery the end is the same – death. Without recovery, the destination of addiction spirals toward death, whether physical, relational, financial, or social, or a combination. We experienced some of this in our family, which led to the painful decision to separate.
While our family situation is complex, let me pause to emphasize three important things:
- My marriage and family are broken due to alcohol abuse, but there has never been a threat or instance of any physical or emotional abuse.
- I initiated the July separation as a last resort and in hope of future healing and restoration of our marriage and family.
- I am so grateful for recovery tools like Al-Anon as well as support from counseling, Bible study groups as well as our family and friends. I’ve used these tools and praise God for them! If you can relate to my story, I want to encourage you to jump into one of these recovery tools.
Clearly, there’s more talk about. Over the next few weeks, I’m going to talk about a few tough questions that I’ve wrestled through over the years. I’ll talk more about the mistakes that I’ve made, what God has taught me and most of all, examples of God’s favor and faithfulness even in the midst of our messy situation.
Words of life…
For the past year, there is a verse that has been central to my life and my soul survival. I think that now that you know a little more about my story, perhaps the following words that God spoke to a man named Joshua as he stood looking across the Jordan might look a little different to you. These words have bought great hope to my heart over the past year:
“This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9 NLT
As I wrote the Joshua Bible study, I clung to these words last summer. God has taught me so much over the past 10 years about walking by faith in uncertainty. Perhaps this is why this Joshua study is so precious to me.
I understand what it’s like to stand on the edge of unknown challenges and know that I’m going to have to fight for my life. I know what it’s like to face giant problems and solid walls that I can’t take down on my own. But, most importantly, over these many years, I’ve experienced the strength, courage and peace that comes when I remember that God is with me and for me in every circumstance, real or imagined. I learned that I can cry and carry a sword at the same time. I can wipe tears and still fight like a warrior.
Without a doubt, I know is that God taking care of each person in my family, even though He has allowed the heartache that we’re all experiencing.
God has given me the strength and courage to keep going in a year that I’ve lost my dad, my father-in-law, my husband (for now), and my home (for now). God’s strength and courage is the source of fuel for my soul. It has to be. There’s not a chance that I could have survived this year without God holding me tight. Not a chance. Too much has happened. Much more than I could handle on my own.
I might be brokenhearted, but I’m not beaten down.
Even though I’m hurting, I am filled with hope.
I believe in a God that can make all things new, even when all seems lost.
I know that God is faithful and able – whether He heals my marriage or He heals me.
I trust in God to deliver on His promises.
Thanks,
P.S. If you live in my community or go to my church, please be cool around my kids. They’ve been through a lot. They didn’t ask for a mom who works in public ministry and they are part of the reason why I’ve kept things private because it’s been tough. Please understand that they won’t feel comfortable talking about this at church or the grocery story – even if you have the best intentions. A simple smile or a quick “Praying for your family” will be welcomed and appreciated or you can email encouragement to barb@barbroose.com.
Your prayers for my family and other families like mine are welcome. If you are walking a similar road, I’d love to pray for you. In fact, if there is anything in your life that is stressing you out during the day or keeping you up at night, I’d love to pray for you. Click here to share your prayer request. When I pray for others, it helps me to stay others-centered and not get focused on myself.
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by Barb Roose | Jun 11, 2018 | Women's Topics
by Barb Roose
Do you remember that 90’s song, “Y’all gonna make me lose my mind / Up in here, Up in here”?
While a hugely popular rap song, it’s also the unofficial anthem of the super-stressed out or anxious person. It’s the kind of song you’re tempted to spit out when the unexpected or uninvited chaos pushes you mentally, emotionally, or financially toward the edge. Have you ever felt like you might lose your mind over the following:
- …Your car repair cost may require listing your kidney on Ebay;**
- …You have to wait all weekend to call the doctor for test results on Monday morning;
- …You’ve been hearing layoffs rumors.
When uncertainty or chaos lands in our lives, our bodies feel the stress and we experience symptoms like: a racing heartbeat, nausea, sweaty palms, numbness, or the inability to sleep. It’s so hard to pray when we’re feeling stressed out! Yet, connecting with God is our best chance to find help and hope in our chaotic or uncertain situations.
A few weeks ago, I was heading out of town for multiple speaking engagements the weekend that my new book and Joshua Bible study launched. It was an important weekend! So, when I lost my rental car keys and then found them locked in my regular car (and my husband had the only keys to that car), my stress level soared through the roof.
Yet, I knew that I couldn’t let my emotions be in charge of the situation because God was truly in control.
So, I activated one of the tools that I developed to help me reduce those physical anxiety symptoms so that I could reconnect with God. It’s called the CALM Technique. This is one of the many tools that I’ve included in my new book, Winning the Worry Battle. Give it a try!
- Count to 10 (Inhale on the number; Exhale the word MISSISSIPPI)
- Acknowledge God’s presence by saying: God, I know that You’re here with me right now
- List – Tell God what you are afraid of or worried about
- Meditate – Keep repeating the following: God is here and He will take care of me/this
This exercise can reduce your physical distress so that you can open up a conversation with God. I love this tool because it equips us to walk in the blessing of God’s promise in Joshua 1:9: “This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (NLT)
I don’t know what’s on your mind today. But, if you’re prone to meltdowns like me, practice the C.A.L.M. technique a few times today. Then you’ll be ready to use this tool to help you calm down during anxious times and connect with the God who promises to take care of you.
**Okay, so listing kidneys on Ebay is sooooo illegal. But, I don’t think that I needed to tell you that…
JOIN THE CONVERSATION: What are you stressed out about today?
by Barb Roose | Jan 24, 2018 | Better Together Podcast, Women's Topics
I grew up in a family of fabulous singers. But, I am not one of them…
My grandmother traveled with a gospel choir and played as the church pianist for at least 20 years. I grew up watching my mom and aunts sing, too. Their voices are powerful, beautiful and amazing.. They can blow! If we’re friends on social media, you’ve seen photos of my sister, Tonya, who is an opera singer. Watching to her perform always bring a smile to my face that lasts far after her performance is over.
You might be wondering if I can sing. The answer is…meh.
If you happen to pull your car up next to mine in traffic, I guarantee that I’m singing in the car. I am an awesome car singer. The acoustics are wonderful for my marginal vocal ability. If I turn up the radio high enough, I sound exactly like the vocalists in the song. If I turn off the radio and keep singing, just be happy that my windows are up.
In my 20’s I struggled with my less-than-super singing. Since I was from a singing family, having an okay singing voice wasn’t good enough when everyone around me sounded so great.
To increase my confidence, I took voice lessons in my mid-20’s. I felt better when I sang on my ensemble church worship team. But as soon as I had to sing on my own, my confidence faltered and my voice always fell flat. I often wanted to run off the stage and hide. Oh, how I used to beat myself up! Why couldn’t I keep my confidence?
Do you ever struggle with your confidence?
I love it when women tell me their dreams. Some women desire certain job or career title. I get frequent emails from women who want to write or speak. Having a dream is a good thing! But, what do you do when you dream is undermined by your lack of confidence? Some of us have a Debbie Downer living in the dirty corner of our mind telling us things like:
“You don’t belong…”
“She’s more talented than you…”
“Why do you think that you’re special…”
“If you fail, everyone will laugh…”
Six Words to Say to Yourself
Yesterday, I finished Lynn Cowell’s new Bible study, Make Your Move: Finding Unshakeable Confidence Despite Your Fears and Failures. Lynn is a speaker and author who writes and speaks to equip mothers with wisdom so that those mamas can raise wiser daughters. Her six-week Bible study featured weekly profiles of six groups of women in the Bible and lessons in Christ-Courage and confidence, like Shiprah and Puah, the two Hebrew women who refused to follow the Pharoah’s order to kill infants like Moses.
One of my favorite moments was studying Deborah, one of Israel’s judges. Not only was she assigned to be God’s spokesperson to Israel, but she’d received a gigantic assignment: to instruct the Israelites during battle. Just to be clear, Deborah was a judge, not a warrior. But, she went because that is what God called her to do.
As I studied her story a few weeks ago, I was pushing to finish my new book, Winning the Worry Battle. It’s been a tough few months writing back-to-back projects, losing my dad, traveling and then moving through the editing process. For the first few weeks of January, I felt like I was fisting-fighting the Debbie Downer in my mind because I was mentally worn out from the past few months of life. What if you flake out and don’t finish? What if your writing isn’t any good? What if no one buys it?
But, as I studied Deborah, she speaks six words that immediately refilled my soul.
In Judges 5, Deborah and Barak sing a song of victory after winning the battle. As they sing over defeating their enemies, Deborah slips in six powerful words. They are tucked into verse 21:
The Kishon River swept them away—
that ancient torrent, the Kishon.
March on with courage, my soul!.
– Judges 5:21
Did you see those precious words: “March on with courage, my soul!”?
I’ve read, remembered and breathed those words at least a hundred times in the past three weeks. There’s are two powerful lessons for us to remember when we’re under pressure and questioning whether we can actually do what God’s called us to do.
First, Deborah knew how to encourage herself when she needed it. Her encouragement fueled her confidence.
Second, if we trust and know what God has called us to do, let’s stop undermining our confidence while we’re doing it.
How can you encourage yourself today?
- Do I even need to say this? Stop calling yourself names like stupid, idiot, worthless or loser! Those names are not helpful and they will hurt your confidence. As I wrote in my Enough Already book, “Beating yourself up won’t change a thing!”
- Learn how to become a rock star at encouraging yourself. Encouraging yourself is not prideful! The Bible is filled with proclamations of God’s everlasting love for us. Even when we mess up, God loves us. Whispering phrases like, “I made a mistake, but I’m not a mistake,” “I can keep going because God will help me” and “I am not alone, God is with me” – these are how we keep our confidence. Can you start saying these phrases to yourself?
So, how does my story end?
After a few years of constant confidence struggles, I finally stopped singing. I’d taken a temporary break to give birth to my now 17-year daughter. By the time I was ready to begin serving at church again, the music team had re-organized and I found a new ministry where God began to lay the foundation for the work that He’s given me to do today.
Once I began following my natural gifts and talents, I found peace. Not only that, but I could learn and grow with so much freedom. Confidence came from being who God called me to be! I love Lynn’s words in the study. She writes, “We each have different gifts, talents and callings. I am simply a woman doing the assignments God gives to me.
Whatever God has called you to do in this season of life matters, my friend. You don’t need to compare yourself to what the women around you are doing because you’ve got your own amazing work to do. Whether you’re raising your children, working your 9-5 or caring for your parents, confidence comes from knowing that you’re doing the best at what God calls you to do.
Creating a conversation around Christ-confidence is such a vital discussion. Check out Lynn’s Bible study by clicking here. You can also listen to my recent podcast with Lynn by clicking the audio player below:
SHARE YOUR STORY: What are some of the lessons that you’ve learned about being a confident woman?
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by Barb Roose | Jan 1, 2018 | Women's Topics
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! -Isaiah 30:18
Every new year, we say out with the old in with the new. But, what do you do when the old problems or struggles follow you into New Year?
I’m spending New Year’s in El Paso Texas with my oldest daughter. If you’ve been following me on social media, my daughter and I made two 1600 #roadtrips with her two puppies in the backseat before and after Christmas. We survived.
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Yesterday, my daughter had a 24-hour shift at work, so I’ve been on puppy duty. As I walked the dogs toward a neighborhood park, I talked to God about the last 365 days of my life. I gave thanks for so many things: a loving family, supportive friends, good health, financial provision and many wonderful ministry opportunities. And I also plead with God about getting rid of an old unresolved heartache that I didn’t want to follow me into the new year. God, I’ve dealt with this for so long. Do I have to deal with this next year? Any chance you can make this go away by midnight?
What old situation has followed you into a new year?
While this isn’t the place for me to go into details, perhaps you can relate to how I describe the pain. It feels like a 1000-pound weight sits on your heart and cracks it all little each day. On bad days, I feel my heartbeat thumping in my chest and it hurts. This is the pain of being human and living in a fallen world. At this stage in my life, I can only bear to share this pain with the most trustworthy of friends and gratefully, an understanding Christian counselor.
God, my heart hurts…
This morning, God showed me that He heard my prayer on yesterday’s walk. One of the verses in my Bible study today was Isaiah 30:18: “Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!”
God used this verse today to remind me of His heart toward me. The first day of this new year is a part of God’s gracefulness to me and you. Every time we say goodbye to a loved one, we are reminded of the preciousness of life. You’ve made it into the new year! No matter how much you don’t like what’s carried over from the old year, you’ve made it into the new one – and not everyone can say that!
Every day from God is a gift that we don’t deserve. Additionally, God longs to pour His graciousness into every deep crack in our heart and fill in those broken fissures with Himself. That’s actually the visual that I use when I’m praying through difficult days: God, my heart is broken right now. Please come and fill in those broken places with Yourself.” Just like the Kintsugi artists use liquid gold to fuse together broken pottery, God’s grace is that He infuses Himself into our heartache.
The last part of that verse say “Blessed are all who wait for him.” What does it mean to wait for God? Before my daughter takes her puppies outside, she makes them sit before snapping on their leashes. Then she says the word, “wait.” Both puppies must to sit until she gives them the command to move forward. While they are waiting, the dogs’ eyes are fixed on her face. Now, when I told them that it was time to sit, the results were pretty spotty. Those puppies love my daughter. I’m just the random lady who took them on a few walks.
The word wait in Isaiah 30:18 means to long for. When the puppies hear the word “wait,” they fix their focus on my daughter and sit until she tells them to move. For us, waiting is focus on an unknown period of time, but spiritually, our waiting should be a fixating on a Person.
Why is this important? When we’re waiting on something that isn’t happening, our hearts get weighed down and discouraged (Proverbs 13:12). But, when we’re fixated on God, we actually get stronger and can accomplish more (Isaiah 40:31)
Are you currently weighted down by the old situation that has followed you into the new year OR are you waiting on God and enjoying the blessing of His grace and compassion?
Might I offer two next steps if you’re dealing with an old situation in this new year?
First, start with talking to God and surrender the heavy weight of your old situation over to Him. 1 Peter 5:7 tells us to give all of our worries and cares to God because He cares about us. One of my favorite movie lines is “Get off the cross, honey. Somebody needs the wood.”
“God, it’s a new year, but I don’t want to carry the pain around of this situation anymore. If it isn’t your timing to remove this hardship from my life, then God, I’m asking you to renew my heart and filling in the broken places with yourself.”
Second, increase your longing for God to keeping your eyes focused on him. Corrie ten Boom once said, “If you look at the world, you’ll be distressed. If you look within, you’ll be depressed. If you look at God you’ll be at rest.”
One suggestion is to sign-up for resources like ReFocus App, My First 5, YouVersion or livingitout.tv that will deliver a devotional or verse of the day directly to you. But, don’t just sign up and think something will change. Set aside 15 minutes per day to read and reflect. The more you fix your heart and mind on God, the more you’ll focus on Him – and the more blessed you will be.
That’s what happened to me today. As I spent time in my Bible study and writing this post, God has truly blessed me today. Even as my old situation follows me into a new year, I’m going to be like my daughter’s puppies and keep my eyes focused on God as I wait on Him.
SHARE WITH US: Is there an old situation that you are dealing with in the new year? How has reading this post and Isaiah 30:18 encouraged you? Leave your comments below.
by Barb Roose | Jul 24, 2017 | Reflections, Women's Topics
When you read this post, I will be celebrating my 45th birthday. It’s been 16,436 days since my mom’s water broke and she pushed me out into the world. While a few years have passed since then, today is a good day to say, “Thanks, Mom! I appreciate you seeing labor through all the way to the end.”
For quite a few years birthdays were a struggle for me. In fact, I had a meltdown on my 35th birthday while standing on a random side street in beautiful Grand Cayman. Lesser meltdown followed years for birthdays 36,37,38 and 39.
Everything changed the year I turned 40. I anticipated a Catagory 5 meltdown, so I scheduled myself out for a vacation that week in case I lost my mind. On the morning of my 40th birthday, I decided to start a home improvement project. As I set up in the dining room, my phone rang at 8:15am. My sister-in-law and niece were in a tragic car accident about an hour away from my house.
The day at the hospital was a blur. At first, our family didn’t know how survived the accident and how did not. Tragically, a gentleman in the other car passed away. I waited in the ER with my sister-in-law while they treated her broken arm. Her 16-year daughter was fighting for her life. I couldn’t even begin to list all of the broken bones and lacerated organs. That sweet girl hovered between life and death for many days and stayed in the ICU for many weeks.
It took about a year, but Camie recovered – including the ability to walk again. It seems so odd to collapse such a monumental event in her life down to two words: She recovered. That brave young woman graduated from high school the next year. She married a few years later and at some point today – yes, TODAY – she’ll give birth to her second son. How’s that for a beautiful redemptive story?!
Something incredible happened for me, too. I stopped being afraid of my birthday. Spending my birthday confronted with the realities of life and death shook that silliness right out of me.
Instead of just being grateful to be alive each birthday, I’ve started to celebrate the things that I learn each year that I’m blessed to keep living.
Over the past 365 days, I’ve learned a few more important lessons for my life that I’d like to share with you. Take what you’d like and leave the rest:
- Peace is priceless! I’ve learned a lot about what it means to surrender and walk in God’s peace over the past year. Letting go and letting God has been a challenge, but walking in God’s peace isn’t something that I’m willing to give up for anything on this planet.
- “God, please encourage me…” – A few months ago I prayed, “God, could you please send me some encouragement to hang onto today?” He did! Now, I pray that prayer often. Sometimes, God uses a friend to send me a text. Other times, it’s a verse in the Bible. Rarely, it’s a change in circumstance (that doesn’t happen often, but it does happen).
- Treating myself well – On my worst days, I treat myself the best. On bad days, I purposefully find ways to treat myself, whether it’s a long walk, long bath, a good book, funny movie or lunch for one, I find at least 3-5 things to do for myself. It’s been so beneficial to my heart, mind, and soul. If you need ideas, click here for my life of 101 ways to take care of yourself.
What will I do today? To celebrate my 45th birthday, I’m going to do a few things: a free hot yoga class in the morning. Then, I’ll use a gift card and coupon to buy new shoes (thanks, Mom!). At some point I’ll enjoy my free Starbucks birthday drink.
But, what I’m looking forward to is writing myself a letter to open on my 46th birthday (Umm, God willing and the creek don’t rise!). I want to tell myself more about the things that I celebrated this year and what I learned from my struggles. Once I write the letter, I’ll put a reminder in my phone for July 24, 2018 and include a note on where I hid the letter.
If you’ve got a birthday coming up or you just want to do it now, write yourself a Celebration and Struggles Birthday letter to yourself. I’ve written other letters to myself and it’s a cool experience to see how much you’ve grown as time goes on.
Thanks for stopping by to celebrate this part of my birthday with me. For my birthday, I want to give away a signed copy of my Enough Already book BUT you have to nominate a friend of yours to receive. In three sentences or less, tell me about how that friend blesses your life. I’ll select the winner by the end of my birthday on July 24.
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by Barb Roose | Jun 26, 2017 | Women's Topics
by Barb Roose
Fifteen years ago, I lived on empty. Stressful job. Small kids. My issues. Marriage.
If I was a car, my gas gauge warning light was ALWAYS on.
Don’t you hate it when that warning light is on? My gas gauge warning light always comes on when I’m in the middle of doing other things – buy groceries, running errands, picking up kids. That warning light pressures me because fuel is important, but so is everything else in our lives.
How often did I keep around pushing the limits of a near-empty gas tank in order to keep continue trying to accomplish other things?
I used to live the same way.
My “warning-light-life” (say that three times fast) had become a painful and pitiful way of life.
When I ran out of energy at the end of each day, everyone in my household knew about it. Short temper. Snippy Words. Poor listening. Fitful sleep filled with nightmares about unfinished to-do lists and often dreams of running away from it all.
Yes, I was a Christian and I loved my family. I knew that I was blessed. But I for a long time, I was an-empty Christian. Instead of being filled with the Fruit of the Spirit, the only thing that I was full of was exhaustion.
I’m pretty sure that someone out there can relate to what I’m saying…
If your well-being or energy could be measured like a gas gauge, how much gas do you have today?
If you’ve got a full tank, you’re giving thanks right now. You know that it’s not easy keeping a full tank, but bless you to being out there as a beacon of hope that other women can see.
But, if you’re riding your warning light or if you’re out of gas, you may feel a combination of guilt and desperation right now. You feel guilty because you don’t have any more to give, but everyone seems to need you. You feel desperate because you don’t want to live this way anymore BUT you also aren’t sure if you can change (and you aren’t even sure what change is.)
Sweet sister, I know your kind of tired. I know your tears.
I may not know your circumstances, but I know that you don’t want to let the people down in your life. I know that you believe that if you fill in all of the gaps, then that’s how you show you love them.
I know.
I thought that I was supposed to be the gap-filler, too. If there was a gap between someone’s need and their ability, I thought that loving them meant that I should fill in that gap with my energy, my money or time. After all, if I loved them, then I should be there for them no matter when they called or no matter what I was doing, right?
Here’s something that I want to share with you, but not all of you will agree with me. But, keep reading anyways:
Love may mean sacrifice, but love isn’t suicidal.
Love IS sacrificial.
But we’ve got to know the difference between loving sacrifice and killing ourselves when caring for people.
Jesus didn’t run after people wearing himself out trying to fix their problems. We never read about the Savior of the world worn out after serving people. Jesus let people be responsible for themselves. When we show love through sacrifice, our effort is to bring hope to others, but it also should bless us, too. Our sacrifice should satisfy us, not suck us dry.
What do I mean when I say that love is suicidal? Talking about suicide is a tender conversation. If you’ve lost someone to suicide, my heart breaks for you. It’s devastating when a loved one reaches a place where he or she comes to believe that there was no hope left.
Have you worn out, ruined or even killed your health, career, emotional well-being or financial security to try to rescue someone who refuses to be responsible for themselves?
You’re trying to help people, but is it wise to ruin your health, finances or well-being to try to save someone else’s? Only Jesus saves. We can’t. But, without meaning to, you may be sending the message that if you don’t step in and fix their lives, then they have no hope.
When there are gaps in someone’s lives, those are the spaces for God to fill in, not you.
If we’re always filling the spaces for people when they have a track record of not paying their bills, can’t maintain a job, often need bail money or always running short on the rent, then we’re filling the space that just might be keeping them from seeking God. Stop filling the potholes dug up by the irresponsible decisions of others. Don’t kill yourself trying to save someone from their bad choices and decisions. Only Jesus can save them.
Here’s the spiritual implication of it all: Are you praying that someone will come to know Jesus? Keep praying, but make sure that you aren’t filling the spaces in your life that keep them from running into Jesus open arms.
Best advice that I ever received from a friend and therapist, Tim Butler: “We have to let people discover their need for God.”
Most of us came to Jesus because we didn’t have anything left in the tank. That’s why we ran to Jesus. Let’s give our adult children, wayward siblings and parents or friends – give them ALL a chance to run to Jesus, too.
Now some of you are wondering if you stop fixing someone else’s life, then what do you do with yourself? How do you fill your tank back up again? Here are some questions that you need to answer for yourself:
What do you need to thrive spiritually?
What do you need to thrive financially?
What do you need to thrive socially?
What do you need to thrive emotionally?
What do you need to thrive in your relationships?
Thriving means that you are maturing and growing. It’s knowing how to fill your tank and live without draining your tank.
Just because you are thriving doesn’t mean that you don’t love the other people in your life. In fact, when you take care of yourself, you model the right kind of behavior you want for them one day.
Here are three ways that you can begin to focus on how to stop filling the gaps for others and begin filling your tank instead:
- Memorize 1 Peter 5:7: “Give all of your worries and cares to God for He cares about you.” Make sure the first thing you do each day is tell God about all of the situations in your life. Stop carrying those burdens around. When people try to give you their burdens, look them in the eyes and say, “Hang in there! The answers will come. I will pray for you.” Then pray for them, but clamp your mouth shut before you say the phrases, “I can…” or “Would you like me…” or “Let me…”
- Say this: “No is not a bad word.” If you struggle with saying “yes” all of the time, make it a goal to say three “No’s” this week. Are there things that you know that you shouldn’t be doing to fill the gaps in someone else’s life? It’s time to let them do their own #adulting. But be kind: As they say: “Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t say it meanly.”
- Check out my list of 101-ways to take care of yourself. Pick one thing to do for yourself each day for the next seven days. Self-care is not selfish. CLICK HERE to access the list.
LEAVE A COMMENT! Is your tank on full, half-tank or are you running on empty? How has God spoken to you through what you’ve read today?
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