by Barb Roose | Oct 23, 2018 | Women's Topics
Over the summer, I was driving down the road and I heard a grinding metal noise from underneath my car. Oh-oh. After a few seconds the noice went away, but the cha-ching sound of the coming car repair costs kept ringing in my mind.
Even before I knew what was happening, my mind started playing the nausea-inducing “what if” game:
What if the repairs costs more than I have to fix it?
What if I don’t have a car to drive for a long time?
What if I have to replace my car and I can’t find something affordable?
By the time I finished playing round one the “what if” game, I was driving down the road near tears. My imagination took a little problem and blew it up and out of control. All I really knew what that a small noise was coming from my car, but I let my mind turn it into a disaster.
If you’ve ever played the “what if” game, you know that it begins with any kind of fear. It could be anything from a lump under our skin, an announcement of layoffs at the office, mysterious phone numbers on spouse’s phone. Any one of those fears feels like a threat to our safety or our unhappiness. But, if we don’t address those fears, those fears will develop new fears. In fact, in my Winning the Worry Battle book, I say it like this:
The fear of our fear is our worry.
In my situation, one car noise became a single fear that I allowed to multiply into lots of different fears in my mind. When our minds are overwhelmed by fear, we’re guaranteed to be miserable!
My friend, God doesn’t want you to be miserable. He promises you power, love and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7) – all of those beautiful things are the opposite of fear.
Perhaps this is why the Bible has so many verses that include the phrases, do not fear and do not be afraid. In fact, some estimate that there are over 300 verses, depending on the translation about not being afraid. Here’s one of my favorites that I’ve leaned on so much in the past year.
“This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9 NLT
When you look at this verse notice that God isn’t telling us that there is nothing to be afraid of in life. In fact, God knows that there will be times of great fear, but we don’t have to live afraid because God’s presence is with us.
We can live courageously in challenging situations because God is with us and for us in every circumstance.
So, when I hear a noise in my car and my mind wants to play the “what if “ game, the lesson I’m learning is that I don’t have to play that game.
Instead, I can pray, “God, I know that You hear that noise in my car. Instead of worrying about what it might be or if I can pay for it, I will trust that You will help me handle whatever it is.”
Is there a “what if” game that you need to stop playing today? Let’s face it, there are no winners in the “what if” game, only stress and tears. Here’s a practical idea that you can consider: Grab a sheet of paper or notecard and write down five do not be afraid verses that you can post by your bathroom mirror. Read those verses each morning. Then, the next time fear tries to get you to play the “what if” game, God’s promises will show up and push back your fears. Imagine boldly looking your fears in the face and proclaiming: “God’s already given me victory. Fear, I don’t have to play your game.”
by Barb Roose | Oct 9, 2018 | Women's Topics
While enjoying a scrumptious cobb salad over lunch with a beautiful friend recently, she asked about what was happening in my life. I told her about the difficulties that my husband and I were facing. After I shared my story, this dear friend asked, “So, what do you think will happen?”
It’s not the first time that I’ve gotten that question. Most everyone asking wants to know because they are praying for us. So many of you care about our family. God bless you!
But, I also know that it’s human nature for us to want to fill in the blanks when the lines on the page are empty. Perhaps you’ve heard Aristotle’s classic quote: “Nature abhors a vacuum.” In other words, our world hates the unknown and we’ll fill in any answer just to make sure there is an answer, even if it’s wrong.
Uncertainty makes us uncomfortable because without answers, we’re not sure if we’re going to be okay. It’s tempting for us to believe that God doesn’t care. Seriously God, do you know see my life dangling over this cliff? Are YOU gonna fix this or what?!
The control freak in me loves to rebel against uncertainty. In years past I’d do everything in my power, including trying to force solutions to fill in the blanks of uncertainty. I used to rationalize that I was helping God out. Like God actually needed my help. What I really wanted was peace. I thought that fixing people or situations would give me the peace that I was looking for. More often than not, my attempts would result in more pain, not peace.
Uncertainty also creates a dangerous temptation for Christians. The temptation is for us to get on our spiritual high horses and speculate on what we think that God will do. While I believe in spiritual gifts of prophecy and discernment, I cringe when I hear well-meaning Christians say things like, “Oh, I know that God will heal your sister of cancer” or “You just wait! God’s gonna give you a job real soon that will pay twice as much as your other job.”
Friends, we should be careful speculating about what God will and won’t do beyond the promises He has already made to us.
We can trust this truth: God is always at work whether we can see it or not.
But, we cannot know what God is working out behind the scenes and within people’s hearts. Can God heal someone of cancer? Of course! Does He heal everyone? No. Just the same, God can provide jobs and double incomes, but He also allows long-term unemployment, too. God IS the God of miracles! I’ve seen it and you probably have, too. And then God also allows heartache. I’ve experienced it and you have, too.
God hasn’t forgotten about you even as His answer to your prayers still seem to be “wait and see.”
In a long message to the Israelites before they entered the Promise Land, Moses said to the people: “The Lord our God has secrets known to no one. We are not accountable for them, but we and our children are accountable forever for all that he has revealed to us, so that we may obey all the terms of these instructions.” -Deuteronomy 29:29
The reality is that there are things that God only knows and we don’t need to carry the weight of trying to figure the future out. However, God has given us the responsiblity and accountablilty of trusting Him. That’s why I love God’s instructions to Joshua as the new leader of God’s people faced uncertainty at the entrance of the Promised Land. While God is working out His purpose in our lives, He gives us directions to follow Him while He is working. Trusting God in uncertain times doesn’t mean that we sit around and do nothing.
Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do.” -Joshua 1:8 NLT
Instead of speculating on the future, we study God’s words to us;
Instead of making guesses, we mediate on God’s promises;
Instead of operating on our own agenda, we obey God’s instructions.
God knows that when we assume accountability for what we can’t control, we will end up stressed out and out of control.
While we think that knowing everything that God knows will relieve the stress of uncertainty in our lives, that’s actually not the case. Think about how complex your life is today. Now, imagine God sent you an email telling you about all of the job changes, babies born, health issues, exciting summer trips, and goodbyes of the next ten years. The stress of all of that information would be too much bear, wouldn’t it?
In my struggle with uncertainty, I’ve discovered three insights that have brought me peace and helped me to embrace uncertainty:
- God protects me with what He doesn’t tell me as much as He blesses me with what He does reveal.
- I don’t want to be responsible for everything that God knows.
- God has given me the knowledge and information that I can handle right now.
So, when my friend asked me over lunch, “What do you think will happen with your marriage?” I answered confidently, “I don’t know. I’m waiting for God’s future for me to unfold.”
It feels good to say that and actually find peace in it and know that I’ve surrendered control. God’s promises are far greater than whatever we’re facing today. As we walk the messy middle of uncertainty by keeping our eyes on God, we actually get stronger!
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint. -Isaiah 40:31 NLT
If uncertainty is causing you a great deal of stress today, stop in this moment and take a deep breath. God is with you and for you in every circumstance.
Uncertainty is tough. But you can take a first step to letting go of trying to figure things out. Can you start with believing just a little that God has only given you the knowledge and resources that you can handle right now? Just believe that a little bit. Whatever you are missing in your life is where God will fill in the blanks in His time. You can be certain that as you trust Him, He will take care of you every step of the way.
by Barb Roose | Sep 25, 2018 | Women's Topics
It seemed like yesterday when I gave birth to my oldest child. Of course, yesterday was actually 26 years ago. Now, that child is packing up her apartment in preparation for an overseas military deployment later this year. Following close on her heels is my 23-old daughter, who’s planning to sign a lease on her first apartment later this week. My youngest daughter, also known as the one who qualified me for the Empty Nest Club, is settling into her second week of college. Yesterday, she texted me from the coffee shop because she’d spent two hours studying the wrong material for her medical terminology quiz.
From the time that my kids were born until now, I’ve worried about keeping them safe, well fed, happy or secure. When they were newborns, I watched their tiny chests lift up and down to make sure they were breathing. I guarded my babies to keep them from tipping into sharp table corners as they tried to stand and take those wobbly first steps. And once my kids began walking, a multitude of new fears and worries walked into my life…
Once our kids start walking, we spend the rest of our lives gritting our teeth and wringing our hands worrying if our grown up bundles of joy will be okay. Will my son make the right decision about college? What if my daughter loses her job? What if that young woman isn’t good enough for my boy?
Some moms also have to face deeper, darker worries and heart-breaking questions. Like the mom who told me about how much she loved her 30-year old son, but his on-going drinking problem was wrecking his life. Out of guilt for her own mothering mistakes, she’d pay his bills, let him move back in and talked to creditors. However, the years of stress over his problems and the financial burden of bailing him out caused her to lose sleep at night and cry all of the time.
When I meet women at conferences or retreats to sign books, I always ask what they worry about most. At least half of the women say, “I worry about my adult kids.” Many of those women answer with shiny eyes filled with unshed tears. Sweet friend, if that is you today, you aren’t alone.
One of the most well-known verses in the Bible contains the wisdom and advice that all mamas, no matter the age or stage of their children – need to hear. Do me a favor and read this verse aloud so that your mind AND ears can hear the peace and the plan that God wants to give to you:
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7 NLT
These verses are God’s encouragement for you, my friend. Whatever you are worried about today, give it to God. It doesn’t matter if you’re worried about your little ones, big kids, adult children or even children yet to be born, give those worries AND those kids over to God. Be real and honest about what is tearing up your heart, whether it’s a child who won’t do their homework or a son or daughter who never calls to check in. Tell God about it.
Then give thanks. Please don’t forget this part!
In the middle of our fear and worry, gratitude gets pushed aside. Our minds get so focused on what we lack, we forget the love that we’ve given and received. Thank God for the moments that you have spent with your children. Even when life is really hard, nothing is ever all bad. There is healing in gratitude, so don’t deprive yourself of it.
Ultimately, God wants us to give up our worries so that He can give us peace.
Mom, would you rather have worry or peace when your child is going through a tough time? Peace doesn’t come without surrendering your worry. If you want to hold onto all of those negative thoughts and panic, God will let you to do just that. But God has something better waiting for you.
If you’re ready to let God handle all of the worries about your kids, go ahead and tell God about it. If you need words, you can use these:
Dear God, I’m so overwhelmed with worry about my child. You know how much I love them and it’s so hard for me to see them in this situation. Yet, I know that my worries and my fears aren’t doing anything but making me miserable. God, I am so afraid that ___________________________ will happen. I need to surrender that fear to you and trust that You are watching over my child and that I can trust You with his/her life. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
by Barb Roose | Sep 15, 2018 | Women's Topics
There’s a reason that you may leave your time on Facebook feeling sad, annoyed, jealous or lonely…
In 2015, Christian women were studied and the result found that many women felt worse about themselves after using social media- whether lonely, envious or angry. Any of these ever go through your mind?
“Why does her life look so perfect?”
“Everything on social media is so fake.”
“If I had (that job, money, spouse or house) I’d be happy, too.”
Guess what? I’ve said these things at times as well. 
Many of you know that this is a difficult time of my life. For me and perhaps some of you, seeing photos of date nights, weddings and, anniversaries are tough. Maybe you struggle with seeing pregnancy announcements or engagement photos. You try not to care, but that little voice inside whispers “It’s not fair” and you shake your head and release a few tears as you agree.
When we see other people getting what we want, it’s tough. But what do we do – other than silently raging, getting depressed, or deleting our Facebook page?
There’s some helpful wisdom that I cling to these days: “Be happy with those who are happy and weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15 NLT)
This wisdom is a reminder that we must ride the ups and downs of life together, even when we’re not getting what we want, but others are. When we celebrate with each other and cry with each other, our togetherness is what helps us to heal and handle the hardships of life.
IMPORTANT: Celebrating others doesn’t mean that you go to the baby shower if you’re battling painful feelings of infertility. Or, I declined a bachelorette party a few weeks ago because while I loved my friend, my heart was too tender, but I celebrated big time at her wedding.
Celebrating means that we are grateful for God’s blessing in others’ lives. We can post “Congratulations!” or “Happy for you!” when they share 1000 pictures of the person or thing that we wanted, too – like the new kitchen, new car, great spouse, behaving kids with awards, or weight loss – we can be happy and that gratitude keeps joy, not jealously flowing through our lives.
This is why I ask my friends to not hide their anniversary pictures or date night photos. I can be 1000% happy for them even as I’m sad about my situation. It’s like learning to walk and chew gum at the same time. It’s possible if you want to figure it out.
When we surround our hurting friends and weep with them, we are Jesus’ arms of hope. Weeping needs no words. Our presence – and maybe an iced coffee or pint of ice cream with two spoons is enough. When we weep with our friends, we are reminded that it is pain, not pleasure that draws us together. If you’re hurting today, reach out to a friend that is hurting, too. For the love, don’t try to fix them, give advice or “at least” them. Sit with them. Cry with them. Let them talk it out or not say a word. When you leave you’ll find that your sadness is lessened. Helping someone helps our sadness doesn’t makes sense, but it’s totally true.
In the end, when I celebrate others, I’m reminded that my day to celebrate will come, too. And when I weep with others, I’m reminded to not be so wrapped up in my own stuff.
That wisdom of riding the ups and downs of life with others has been a lifeline for me. I hope that these words encourage you. 💕
LEAVE A COMMENT: When do you feel discouraged by social media? What helps you handle that discouragement?
by Barb Roose | Sep 11, 2018 | Better Together Podcast, Women's Topics
I became so burdened with my efforts to be a “good mom” and trying to do all the things a “good mom” should do. My list of “should’s” was so long I was ready to give up. In fact, I did give up. I announced it one night at dinner with a simple- “I’m done!” -Susan Seay, mother of seven (yes, seven!)
Mom, do you ever “should” all over yourself?
- I should do another load of laundry…
- I should stay up late and make cookies for my daughter’s class…
- I should volunteer to drive carpool, even though I’m working late this week.
Sometimes those “should” feel so heavy and make us feel like we’re buried under unreasonable expectations.
If you’ve ever struggled with the “should,” you’ll love my conversation with my dear friend, Susan Seay. She’s a speaker and author living in Austin, TX. Susan and her husband, Ron are the parents to seven, yes seven kids. Not only that but Susan is a homeschool mom, who also supports and consults with other homeschooling moms on a national level. Susan is the author of Intentional Motherhood: Parenting on Purpose When Life Gets Busy.
Susan and I have been friends online for almost a year, but we met IRL (in real life) in July at the She Speaks Conference, hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries. Susan actually flew from her home in Texas to help me out with my workshops –that’s a great friend! On top of that, I got to see Susan in action as she provided gentle and loving encouragement to every woman who crossed her path. If you meet Susan, she’s going to make your life better, whether you talk to her for one minute or an hour.
As a speaker and author, Susan’s wheelhouse is that she is a mentor for moms. And as the mother of seven, she’s got some great expertise in that area.
During our Better Together conversation today, Susan talks about a trap that is so easy for moms to fall into – the quest to be the mom that tries to do everything.
Susan and I will discuss:
- The crazy questions that people ask when they find out that she has seven kids;
- A GENIUS trick that Susan used when her kids lost their minds in the grocery store;
- What unreasonable expectations makes moms tired and discouraged;
- Stories of encouragement that will put a smile on your face;
- Overcoming the trap of perfection.
About Susan Seay…
Through the “Mentor 4 Moms” Podcast and the relatable style found in her book The Intentional Parent: Parenting On Purpose When Life Gets Busy, you get a sense of Susan’s heart to provide encouragement to moms combined with helpful practical tools. As a wife and mom to 7, she truly understands the challenges of trying to be an Intentional Parent. Susan has been a mentor to women locally in Austin, Tx and Internationally for over a decade.
LINKS
Susan Seay Website | Podcast | Intentional Parenting Book
LEAVE A COMMENT: What’s the worst piece of mom-advice that you ever received?
by Barb Roose | Aug 14, 2018 | Women's Topics
by Barb Roose
Thank you to those of you who continue to reach out to ask how our family is doing. You just don’t even know how much your words have encouraged my heart!
However, a few of your emails linger in my mind, particularly those of you who wrote something like this: “Barb, thank you for speaking up. I’m in the same situation with my husband, but it’s not something we talk about in our family.”
If you sent one of those emails, you are God’s answer to my prayer: “God, do I really have to keep talking about this? This is so hard! Can’t I just go back to posting Bible verses and pictures of flowers?”
In the past few weeks, God has led me down a different path. A scarier and harder path. Along the way, I’ve been so blessed by how you’ve prayed for my family, especially my kids and my husband. I believe that with God all things are possible. But, I also know that many of you prayed, yet your marriage still ended. I am so sorry for your heartache. The hard truth that I must embrace is that God will either heal my marriage or He will heal me. Since I don’t know what will happen, my plan is to walk by faith each day and leave the future to God.
Today, I’m sharing my journey from keeping our situation a secret, maintaining privacy and being led to make it public.
First, vocabulary time. Here’s the difference between bad secrets, privacy, and making something public:
- Bad Secret: Important information that affects the welfare of others but that information is withheld or there is a refusal to purposefully talk about it.
- Private: Information given to those who need awareness or protection but isn’t widely circulated to everyone else.
- Public: Putting it out there on Facebook…
Are ALL secrets bad?
`No. Not all secrets are bad. If there is something in your life that you don’t want to talk about and it affects only you, then keep it to yourself. Did you get cut from the cheer squad in high school but you don’t like to talk about it? You do you. Lose your first job out of college before you met your spouse? No worries.
However, a bad secret is a hush-hush matter that we don’t want to talk about it AND people have been hurt because of it. That’s a bad secret.
I spent three years keeping my husband’s suspected drinking problem a secret from my kids and family. I didn’t know how to talk about it. All I knew is that something was changing in our lives, but not for the better. Even though I started talking to a counselor, I never said a word to anyone else. Meanwhile, my fears mounted. I started losing my temper often. I cried a lot. Still, I kept silent.
Then, a major event happened and that was when I realized that I couldn’t keep silent any more…
My journey from secrecy to privacy…
After an alcohol-related crisis in 2011, my husband and I separated for two weeks. This was at my insistence. I was angry. I wasn’t kind or gracious about his struggle. All I could think about was my pain and what had happened to me. Now, it hurt too much to be silent, so I told the ladies in my small group at the time. I felt so sick sharing my secret, but they responded with compassion. Oddly enough, I felt less sick after talking.
About this same time, I called my father-in-law, Brent. He was the first person that I opened up and really talked with about my husband’s struggle. My father-in-law struggled with alcohol addiction until his 50’s before finding freedom in AA. His addiction cost him a lot, but he finally broke free of his painful past by walking the hard-fought road to recovery. Brent gave me helpful language to talk about addiction. Most of all, he didn’t criticize me for talking. He had compassion for the situation that we were in.
Once I began felt more comfortable after talking with my father-in-law, I began conversations with my husband, other family members, close friends, and my kids. I must be honest, the conversations in those early years didn’t go well. I was angry and scared, so I blamed, argued, and got defensive. I also discovered that I had to daily surrender my fears to God in order for counseling and recovery to actually make a difference. I knew that in order to give my kids the best chance for their future, we needed to talk openly and purposefully about what was happening in our family.
Surrounding myself with safe, wise, and trusted voices was essential to privacy. Anything less will drive you back to secrecy. What do safe, wise and trusted voices sound like? They know how to listen well. They do not shut down your opinions. Most of all, they don’t “should” all over you! Instead, they let you discover the path and they love and cheer you along the way.
This is why I’m a huge fan of recovery groups like Celebrate Recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), and Al-Anon. There’s a better chance of finding safe voices to help you break away from secrecy than any place else. What happens next is up to you. As they say in recovery, “It only works if you work it.” (By the way, you may be super angry the first time you attend a recovery meeting. It’s okay. Most all of us felt that way, too. Go for three meetings and then decide if you should keep going.)
Since my situation was no longer a secret, I began to get better. I talked. I learned. I felt healing come into my life.
But, I didn’t feel the need to talk about our family’s situation publicly, whether in books, keynote messages or social media. Privacy worked for me.
Until this year…
The line between private and public is a personal decision.
The tipping point is whether or not sharing one’s experience can making a lasting and positive impact on the lives of others.
(If you go to my church, you know that I totally ripped off that italicized phrase!)
I hadn’t planned on talking publicly about my marriage separation or my husband’s battle with alcohol addiction until later – much later. Like years from now. In my mind, I planned to tell our story in a blog post, book or keynote message. I planned to start my story with something sounded like: Well, there’s a story that I need to tell you about a difficult time in my life long ago. But praise God it’s over and we’re all together and doing great.
But that is not the story that I get to tell.
While writing this post, it occurred to me that my father-in-law was the person who helped me move from secrecy to privacy. Then, it was his death a month ago (July 19) that moved me from privacy to talking publicly. I will forever be grateful to Brent for being there and helping me learn how to talk about something that I didn’t know how to talk about.
My father-in-law passed away from a massive heart attack in my husband’s arms. Two days after Brent’s death, I felt God telling me that it was time to talk publicly about our situation. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. All of the fear and feelings that once came with secrecy came roaring back when I felt God calling me to talk publicly.
I began praying and asking God for wisdom to do what it seemed that He was leading me to do. I reached out to three wise friends who suggested that I wait until I had the margin to write and respond to emails. Ten days later, I spent an entire day writing that first public blog post. Seven girlfriends reviewed my blog to make sure that it was as kind, honest, and respectful as I possibly could be. Next, I sent the post in advance to my kids and husband. Then I sent it to my family and my husband’s side of the family. After they had a few days of time, then, I shared the public news.
How did it feel? I felt nauseous and sick.
I really wanted to escape the entire matter. I’ve had to fight waves of fear. I’m sharing them because if you’re facing some real and raw fears about sharing a secret or taking publicly, I want you to know that you’re not alone…
What if my husband’s side of the family stops speaking to me?
What if talking publicly is the final straw and my husband walks away for good?
What if people aren’t cool around my kids?
I wish that I could tell you that these fears have completely gone away. They haven’t. But, just because they are fears, I have the tools to help me not be afraid. I handle those fears when they pop up and I move on.
For those who are grappling with family secrets, I hope that sharing my story gives you a chance to think about what God may want you to do with your story. Notice how important it was for me to have safe and wise voices in my life to support me. Also, the choice to share can’t be made by anyone else other than you. Don’t let others force you into speaking up or out if you aren’t ready.
If you feel like it might be time to move from secrecy to privacy or from privacy to making something public, remember this:
It’s okay if it feels really hard;
It’s okay if you feel like you want to throw up;
Do it with kindness and respect so that others can support you;
It’s okay if you do it scared.
Most of all, you’ll survive.
LEAVE A COMMENT: Why is talking about our family secrets so hard?
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