Need help letting go of control?

On the warm summer day that young Cherise married her husband, she never thought that her marriage would end. Life wasn’t perfect, but they laughed together every day and loved each other through mistakes.

As Cherise looks back, she couldn't put her finger on when their lives changed. Even as she and her husband went on date nights and called each other everyday, there were some troubling shifts. Cherise realized that there were secrets being kept from her and unexplained behaviors causing more arguments.

She spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out what was going wrong. Did something happen during a particular fight? Did she do something wrong?

Most of her prayers during that time were simple, “God, please help!” or “God, please fix this!” No matter what she tried, a hidden addiction made itself known in difficult and heart-breaking ways. Their first marriage separation happened right before their twentieth anniversary, followed by a second separation four years later.

Although Cherise continued to pray for her marriage, a few years later her husband decided that he no longer wanted to be married. She was devastated but realized that God had blessed her years before by drawing her in close so that she discovered the blessing of His presence. That blessing sustained Cherise through an unanswered prayer that eventually turned into a heartbreaking “no.”

 Stories like Cherise’s aren’t easy to read. You may know from experience that these stories aren’t easy to live, either.  In fact, Cherise’s story is my story.

In our idealized version of Christianity, we like to think that we pray, God answers, and we live happily ever after. However, I believe that cemeteries are a reminder that God never wants us to dream of happily ever after while we’re living on earth because our broken, fallen world will rob us of that dream one way or another.

 Sometimes, the job isn’t saved or there won’t be a baby, even after all of the fertility treatments. At times we pray, but our spouse or our parent still abandons us. While God doesn’t cause our pain, sometimes, He allows our lives to travel down an undesired path. Even as there is blessing no matter what happens in our lives, that doesn’t mean that we don’t feel the searing pain. How do we deal with the raw emotions and let go when God seems to say no.

There’s a ritual that I’ve been doing once or twice a year for the past decade to help me to deal with the pain and keep my heart on the path toward hope, even as my heart hurts.

I call this ritual my annual “funeral”. One day each spring I pack a blanket, my Bible, a notebook, and a packet of tissues. Then I drive down to a beautiful river a few miles from my house. I find a secluded space so as not to draw too much attention to myself and lay out my blanket. For whatever reason, this exercise works best for me when I’m outdoors under the vast sky that reminds me of God’s glory (Psalm 19:1).

There’s three parts to my annual funeral: Be real, write down, and release. First, I’m real before God. Through my tears, I’m honest about the unanswered prayers, unmet expectations, rejection, disappointment and dreams that have died. Then, I write down what I’m grieving in my notebook. That makes it more real. Here are some of my funeral notebook entries:

I wished that I had more time with my dad…
God, I really prayed hard for You to remove the addiction from our home…
God, I’m really sad that those family members no longer speak to me…

Like the laments of the prophets, I cry out to God on paper, at times bitterly angry over what I’m grieving or what I’ve lost. It’s okay to cry and scream at God. Lots of people in the Bible have done it.

Once I empty myself of disappointments and dead dreams, I grab my Bible and read pre-marked verses on hope such as Jeremiah 29:11 and Isaiah 61:1-3.  These verses do not make me feel better immediately, but these words are a reminder of God’s glory, greatness, and power beyond my circumstances.

Finally, I pray and release the dreams or hopes that will not be. Through my tears I prayer something like this: I dreamed that (name dream), but that dream isn’t going to come true. I really wanted it, God! And it hurts. But I need to let that dream die. I need to mourn it and move it out of my heart so that You can fill the space with a new thing for me.

This powerful, yet simple ritual gives me a tangible way to release the weight of what could mess me up, slow me down or keep me stuck in the past. I want God’s blessing for my future, so I have to let go! 

Do you need to have a funeral for something in your life today? Be real before God. Write down your pain, anger, disappointment and hurt. Release it all to God and trust that He will heal your heart and soul with His love and mercy.

 Content excerpted from I’m Waiting, God: Finding Blessing in God’s Delay by Barb Roose

       Tears streamed down my cheeks as I sat across a long-time beloved family member. I poured out my heart over the spiraling addiction crisis ripping our family and my marriage apart. As one who’d walked for decades in the same situation, she sat and listened. I noticed that her mouth set in a hard thin line of painful understanding.
        For all of my poured out tears and pleas for help, she sat stoic and still. Her responses to my words were short and unfeeling. I felt a cold chill of rejection and immediately wished that I’d kept my tears to myself. I wondered why she couldn’t have at least reached over and hugged me? Maybe just patted my hand. Yet, there was nothing.
        I’d been praying for over six years at that point for God to do something that would save our family from the stealthy addiction and return us to the happy and whole life that we’d known years before. Every morning, I lowered my body onto a small stool in my office closet, surrounded by note cards of scriptures and prayers taped to the wall. I prayed scripture, fasted weekly, rebuked demons, but most of all, pleaded with God to do what only He could do. Each day, I waited.
        Talking with others about such a sensitive issue like addiction terrified me. Telling the truth and then asking for help took all of the courage that I had. So when my courage was met with silence and then rejection, my broken heart broke just a little more.
        In ancient times, a woman named Hannah experienced years of infertility, even though I know that she prayed with the same passion and veracity that I prayed in my little War Room closet. Like me, some of Hannah’s family didn’t care about her prayers either.
        As much as her husband, Elkanah loved his wife and tried to make her feel better, he didn’t really listen to the heart of her pain. “Why are you so downhearted just because you have no children? You have me – isn’t that better than having ten sons?” Bless his heart, right?
        While Elkanah was loving, yet ignorant, his other wife Peninniah was just downright mean. Since Hannah’s name is mentioned first in 1 Samuel 1, it is reasonable to assume that she was his first wife. However, once Hannah didn’t become pregnant, Elkanah took another wife to give him children. During ancient times, there were some men who took multiple wives. This wasn’t God’s best plan, but He allowed people to freely choose how they would live (Deuteronomy 17:17) In this case, Peninnah lived to torment Hannah for not being unable to have children. “So Peninnah would taunt Hannah and make fun of her because the Lord had kept her from having children.” -1 Samuel 1:16
        Unfortunately, there are mean-spirited Peninnahs all around to discourage God’s daughters who are praying, yet still waiting for an answer to their prayers. Have you ever prayed for a rescue, a renewal, or a breakthrough with every cell of your heart only to have the people closest to you make fun of you, criticize you, or not even ask about how you are hanging in there? As they say, it’s the wounds of the ones closest to us that often hurt the most. So, how do we handle family or even close friends who don’t seem to care about our prayers?

1. QTIP  or “Quit Taking It Personally”
This is one of my favorite sayings! What this slogan means is that I will not allow someone’s reply or reaction to what I’ve said minimize my self-worth or the importance of the situation to me.
        When you whisper a reminder to yourself to QTIP, you don’t allow the reaction or responses of others to emotionally own you or minimize your situation. If they condemn, criticize, or fail to ask how you’re doing, just say, “I’m gonna QTIP that!” and keep it moving with faith and assurance that God cares about what you’re going through.

2. Live at Peace

        Romans 12:18 teaches us that as much as it is up to us, we should live at peace with everyone. This is really hard when family members aren’t supportive or they are critical. I remember when a close family member used various Bible verses to judge some of my behaviors. I had two choices: get angry and say something that I would need to apologize for later or end the conversation.  I ended the conversation by saying, “This is no longer a good conversation for both of us. I will give you a call later.”
        Like Peninnah, you may have family members who will never be supportive, whether God answers your prayers or not. But, you can live at peace by accepting them for who they are and not reducing yourself to their unkind behavior.

3. Pray Boldly!

        Don’t let unsupportive family or friends stop you from praying boldly to God! I love Hannah’s example in 1 Samuel 1:10-11, where she prayed boldly for a son and then gave him back to God before her prayer was even answered. Keep praying, especially because God hears your prayers! Hebrews 4:16 encourages us to come boldly before God because He will give us the grace and mercy that we need.
        If you’ve been praying for months or years for a rescue, renew or a breakthrough and your family has let you down, God is always there for you. Draw strength from his unfailing love, compassion and power for you today.

Question: Which one of the three tips maybe helpful for you today? Do you have any other encouragement to share with us about how you handle tough times when your family can't give you the support that you need?