Wives, what is it that your husbands really want to tell you deep down inside, but they can't - or won't? 

On this episode of Better Together Facebook Live, host Barb Roose, I'm talking with marriage coach, pastor and author, Mark Savage about the five secrets that husbands wish that their wives knew.

1. Respect him

Mark encourages you to consider the way that you think about your husband. If your respect for him is dependent upon whether or not he is making you happen, then respect becomes a moving target. Mark reframes what respect is and isn't.

Mark reminds wives that your husband wants to be your hero. He wants to make you happy and knowing that you respect him is deeply important to him.

2. Accept him

Your husband wants to know that you accept him for what he is and not pressure him to become someone that he's not.

Mark suggests a question that you can ask: "Have I put pressure on you to become someone that you're not?"

3. Make time for him

Life happens. Mark reminds wives that a husband may not speak up about feeling less of a priority than your kids or job, but he wants to feel important to you.

Mark gave some great suggestions on how you can intentionally make time for him.

4.  Influence him

Your husband wants you to ask him questions like: "I've been thinking about some things and I'd love to get your input."

5. Have fun with him

Mark reminds you that your husband wants to have fun with you. Sharing experiences, laughing and doing things that he enjoys (even if you don't) means a lot to your husband and makes him feel closer to you.

About Our Guest Mark Savage...Mark Savage is a author, speaker, pastor, and marriage coach. Serving in church ministry for twenty years, Mark and his wife Jill now devote their time to coaching marriages. Mark is honest, authentic, and willing to talk about the real stuff of life and relationships. He and his wife Jill are empty nest parents of five and live in Central Illinois.

Links from today's episode:

Marriage Date Night - Home Edition

https://www.bodyandsoul.org/Seminar.jillsavage.org/homeedition

No More Perfect Marriages Resources

www.nomoreperfectmarriages.com

Better Together host Barb Roose is a popular speaker and author with a passion to help women live beautifully strong and courageous in Jesus' name. She's the author of multiple books and Bible studies, including Surrendered: Letting Go and Living Like Jesus and Joshua: Winning the Worry Battle. Visit Barb's online home at barbroose.com.

Race, Grace and the Gospel - Part 1

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog post about the murder of Ahmaud Arbery, a 25-year old black man who was out running when he was allegedly chased down and shot to death by two Caucasian men.

For a few days, the topic of race took over the newscycle. Talk shows talked. Advocates rallied. People ran.

But did anyhing meaningful arise out of the entire emotional display? Has American moved any closer to talking about why our problems with race in America persist?

In my two-part series on race, grace and the gospel during we're tackling the tough issues of race.

Part 1: I'm talking about about race, grace and why God created different colors and cultures if He knew that we'd struggle so hard in this area. We'll discuss why "colorblind" actually causes conflict and why "seeing" color is vital for us to connect with each other.

Part 2: This is a personal episode where I share how racism impacted my life. Additionally, we talk about lessons that we learn from the early church on unity as believers. There's practical next steps that I pray encourages you. 

If you would like more resources, check out my (g)race project page by clicking here.

Race, Grace and the Gospel - Part 2 

Do you struggle with depression and wonder why God doesn't or hasn't taken it away?

On this episode of Better Together with Barb Roose, my friend and author, Melissa Maimone joins me for a discussion about depression as well as strategies for living with hope IN depression.

Melissa shares her story of life-long depression and anxiety. As the author of Radiant Midnight: Depression, Grace and the the Gifts of a Dark Place, she eloquently talks how God's loving presence is with us, even when our dark feelings try to convince us that He is not.

She also share three strategies for holding on and getting through the dark seasons: Grace, Grit and Grounding.

About Our Guest Melissa Maimone...

Melissa has been a featured speaker at various Christian camps, women's events and retreats throughout the United States. Melissa's writing has appeared on Lysa Terkhurst's Proverbs 31 blog, in Lifeway's HomeLife Magazine, and various other media outlets. She's been a guest on Kathi Lipps's Clutterfree Academy Webcast, TBN, and KKLA Christian Radio. She also makes regular appearances on popular podcasts discussing a wide range of topics for women.

She is on the speaker roster for Compassion International, a world-wide organization dedicated to releasing children from poverty in Jesus' name. She is passionate about their work and is honored to be part of a nationally recognized leader in changing the lives of children, their families, and their communities.

​Melissa served as the Director of Women’s Ministry (along with wearing a few other hats!) at a large church in Santa Clarita, CA for over a decade. She uses her wide range of church experience and her B.A. in Organizational Management to mentor other women in leadership.

​She and her husband Danny live outside of Raleigh, North Carolina. They are parents to Cole and Elizabeth, who lives at home. Their daughter Elizabeth has developmental delays. The experience of raising a child with special needs has been both challenging and rewarding--but they wouldn't change a thing!

She loves Jesus, her family, and her friends. Her hobbies include reading, walking, watching weird documentaries, and searching out the perfect street taco.

Links from today's episode:

Melissa Maimone's website

The Radiant Midnight Book

Better Together host Barb Roose is a popular speaker and author with a passion to help women live beautifully strong and courageous in Jesus' name. She's the author of multiple books and Bible studies, including Surrendered: Letting Go and Living Like Jesus and Joshua: Winning the Worry Battle. Visit Barb's online home at barbroose.com.

How does God show up in our lives when our circumstances are out of control?

On this episode of Better Together FB Live with Barb, guest Beth Vogt joins me to discuss some of the powerful names of God that remind us about who God when our lives get flipped upside down.

Rather than relying on ourselves, Beth encourages us to remember God's character and inspires us to trust Him! I love, love how Beth talked us through six of the many names of God- so powerful!

#1 Emmanuel - "God with us"

#2 - The God of Hope - Romans 15:13

#3: The God who gives songs in the night - Job 35:10

#4: God is our Comforter - John 14:16

#5: God is the Strength of my heart - Psalm 73:26

#6: The God of Love and Peace - 2 Corinthians 13:11

Award-winning author and editor, Beth also tells us about her new book, The Best We've Been, the third book in her popular Thatcher Sister series. This book depicts complex family relationships between three sisters, Peyton, Jillian and Johanna. In this final book, the sisters grapple with old wounds and tragedies.

As Beth drew upon the early years of her faith journey to write the sisters' story, she reminds us that "the best" doesn't always mean that we get what we're prayed for, but that what we have can be good.

About Guest Beth Vogt

Beth is nonfiction author and editor who said she'd never write fiction. She's the wife of an Air Force family physician (now in solo practice) who said she'd never marry a doctor -or anyone in the military. She's a mom of four who said she'd never have kids. Now Beth believes that God's best often waits behind doors marked Never.

She's a multiple award-winning author, former editor and writing mentor. Beth lives in Colorado with her husband, Rob, who has adjusted to discussing the lives of imaginary people. 

Link to The Best We've Been

One of my most favorite scenes in any movie ever is the scene where Forrest Gump runs across America. In a moving cinematography montage, Forrest runs through cities, communities and along desert roads. At times, Forrest ran with crowds and at other times alone.

At no time in the two years that Forrest ran was he ever chased down by people with shot guns. He wasn't killed because someone thought that he was a burglar running their neighborhood  - just because of the color of his skin.

On February 23, 2020, a 25-year old black man named Ahmaud Arbery went running. Two men, a father and son, allegedly got in their truck and chased him down believing that he was a burglar in their neighborhood. A viral video showed the men shooting Ahmaud, killing him.

Those men were not arrested until just yesterday.

Today should have been Ahmaud’s birthday. Across America, people of all races ran 2.23 miles to reflect the date of his murder. Depending on how you curate your newsfeed, you’ve seen #irunwithmaud a lot or a little.

As #irunwithmaud today, I had some time to think about what I wanted to say - or more importantly, why I wanted to say something.

After my #irunwithmaud - I ran. I cried.  Then, I wrote this post.

When it comes to dealing with racial incidents, it seems like many of my white friends identify with one of the two responses: "deer in the headlights" or the "staring game."

The "deer in the headlights" is the feeling that sounds like, "Yikes, I'm stuck because I don't want to say something to tick white or black people off." Or, they feel like the staring game hoping  that someone else will blink first and say something or do something so that they don't have to.

Maybe I can help. I don't know. I'm going to try. However,  what I'm going to talk about AND ask you to think about will be uncomfortable. But, since people are STILL getting murdered in the year 2020 for the color of their skin, I think that you can handle being a little uncomfortable if you're willing to be a part of making life better for us all. (UPDATE 5.27.20 - Since I wrote this post, George Floyd was suffocated to death by police officers in Minneapolis.)

Here are common questions that I see majority culture asking over and over again whenever a black person is killed because they were black. I don't know what questions you might ask or hear others ask, but here they are:

1. Why did he/she do to cause the cops/another person to shoot or kill them?

Perhaps, you could ask a different question like: “Why did the person who killed him/her believe that they had the right to take their life?”

Another question you could ask is, "Why are people still being killed because of their skin color?"

Here's one more: "Why is the knee-jerk  reaction to rationalize or look for a fault with the dead black person and not the white person that killed them?"

I've often heard people say, "Well, if some of those people weren't committing a crime in the first place, then they wouldn't have put themselves in danger."  

 Perhaps you want to consider this question  - since people of all colors and cultures commit crimes, not just black people: Why does arrest seem to come with a higher risk of death for black men than the rest of the population? 

2. Why do black people insist on “Black Lives Matter”? Don’t all lives matter?

Yes, all lives matter. Black Lives Matter doesn't diminish the perspective that all lives matter or propose that black lives are more important. It’s a crowd cry for people to recognize black people die more for being black than white people die for being white - and black people want to call attention to that.

Imagine if you’re at a backyard party of 100 people (spaced 6’ apart these days) and twelve of the people in the crowd are black - which is about the percentage of African-Americans in America.

Suddenly, an Confederate flag-wearing intruder with a gun busts into your party. You see him looking for people to shoot. Trust me, you’re not going to be as concerned as the black people in the crowd. The black people will dive for cover behind you because know that they’re way more at risk of death.

There's a community where I live and to this day, I know that I cannot drive through that community without making sure that I know exactly where my drivers license is at AND my hands are for sure at 10 o'clock and 12 o'clock on my steering wheel. Why? The reputation in that community is that my black life is a threat to the other lives. My life matters less there.

Black lives matter isn't excluding other lives, it's simply advocating for our lives because our lives are too often in danger.

3. “Why do “they” try to make white people like me feel guilty? I haven’t done anything.”

If you get the feeling that black people in America are angry, you maybe right. But, I'm going to ask that you not take it personally and ask, "Have I really taken the time to talk to people to find out why they feel this way?"

While it’s true that this whole thing isn’t about you, the fact is that you are definitely a part of it.

There’s no simple way to explain such a complex problem as racism, but here’s a short video that may shed some light things.

Just watch. You don’t have to agree, but listen and ask yourself, "Even if this video is only 25% or 50% right, what does this mean?"

4. “Barb, I have black friends so why are black people calling people like me racist?”

The following questions will be uncomfortable. But, important for you to do a temperature check on your own life. These questions aren't a test of racism, but whether or not you may have some blind spots when it comes to the topic of racism and prejudice that you may need to intentionally address:

• How many black families live in your neighborhood? If there are none, are you comfortable with that? If a black family moved into your neighborhood, what would really happen?
• Have you ever recommended one of your friends for a job? Now, have you ever recommended a person of color for a job?
• If you are senior level management or above, how many your colleagues are African-American? If there are only one or two people, why is that?
• How many days in a week will you go without having a real conversation about life with a person of color?
• Have you ever sat down and really listened to a black person tell his or her story of facing racism?

5. "Okay, Barb, what do I do now?"

This morning, I received texts about the Ahmaud Arbery murder from three precious friends text:

“That young man is the face of people that we love.”

“It’s unbelievable. It’s devastating. It shouldn’t be this way.”

“I don’t even have words…but I am with you guys.”

These texts meant so much to me. I treasure that my white friends took the time and cared enough to acknowledge what was happening.

They didn’t minimize, try to explain the event away or justify the shooters. They were just present in a pain that black people across America feel all too often.

So, what can you do?

Two things: SHOW UP AND SPEAK UP

• If you’re married, perhaps you should have hard conversations with your spouse about where you live -  and if you’re okay with why your neighborhood looks like it does.
• When you see people undermine the dignity of people of color, speak up. Actually say the words: "We are not treating _____________ with the same respect/kindness/dignity like we would treat each other and we need to change that now."
• At your job, be intentional about recruiting people of color isn’t favoritism. At a certain level of your organization, chances are that people of color are being overlooked way more than they are being recommended. You can level the playing field.
• Plant intentional seeds in your children’s hearts by bring people of different races into your home and sitting around a socially distanced dinner table with them.
• Finally, SPEAK UP. People of color can scream all day long about injustice, but we do not have the level power nor the authority to influence at the level where both hearts and the justice system needs to be changed. That ball is in your court.

COMMENTS: How do you feel after reading this? Are there are questions or struggles that you have when it comes to talking about race?

BOOK RECOMMENDATION

If you want to gather up some friends for a book club or a summer small group, I have a resource for you. Last year, I had the privilege of endorsing Black & White: Disrupting Racism One Friendship at A Time.

It was written by two former staffers at Andy Stanley’s NorthPointe Church: Teesha Hadra, an African America and John Hambrick, a Caucasian. They formed an enduring friendship while they worked on staff and decided to write the book.

The book was a win for me because at the end of every section, there are AMAZING discussion questions that would provide from some great group discussion. P.S. This book is also likely the only time in my life when my name will be above Andy Stanley’s – ha!