“Mom, can you just do what I asked?”

My sweet girl stood in front of me in her lacy wedding gown, rhinestone beaded veil and a scowl on her heart-shaped face. It was five minutes until the start of her wedding and she’d made a request that I didn’t think needed to be done. In my sweetest smile and “Mom Knows Best” voice, I tried to dissuade her.

As I mentally planned my better solution to her request, my daughter squeezed her fingers around her bouquet. I saw her chest lift and her cheeks expand to puff out frustrated air. Very calmly she said, “Mom, please just do what I asked.”

My daughter is a 26-year old woman and it was her wedding day. She had made a request.  While I had the right to help or not to help, it wasn’t my place to nudge or push her toward what I thought was best.

Turns out, I needed to walk out some repentance just before I walked down the aisle to my seat. I’d tried to control a situation that was none of my business. Even though I thought I knew best, that didn’t mean that my way was better. Worst of all, I justified my control loving behavior because I was doing it with a smile.

How often do you nudge people toward your view of how they should act, believe, think or live?

If you aren’t sure, here are five control-loving behaviors that indicate that you’re attempting to fix someone or force certain outcomes.

I call thesse the SHINE Control-Loving Behaviors:

Stonewalling - Inflexibility or unwillingness to cooperate or collaborate

Helicoptering - Micromanaging others to do something the way that you want it done

Interrupting - Either cutting off someone’s words or interfering with someone’s life choices

Nagging – Repeating requests (Generally, saying it once is asking, repeating more than once is nagging…)

Excessive Planning - Overplanning every minute detail so that your specific plan takes place.

Which ones are your go-to’s? Who do you tend to use these on most?

To be clear, no one is judging you for these behaviors. Additionally, struggling with control-loving issues doesn’t mean that you don’t love others – it often means that you do love them, but controlling others is actually unloving.

Why do we use control-loving behaviors?

The truth is that control-loving behaviors indicate that you’re trying to slide into God’s place in someone’s life, especially if it’s someone who should be responsible for themselves.

These behaviors are a reaction to our fears, our anxieties or reveal where we struggle to trust God.

In my case,  I served up of a hefty dish of interrupting my daughter’s wishes with a spicy side dish of helicoptering. I was worried that her pre-wedding ceremony request would offend our guests. Turns out, I was wrong and I caused unnecessary conflict between us.

It’s not easy letting the people that we love live their life on their own terms, is it? If they are irresponsible or lack life experience, we fear the consequences for their lives.

Let’s be honest, we also want to avoid feeling pain or inconvenience as well. But, is avoiding pain and consequences justification for us to play God in someone’s life?

Isn’t it God who knows what’s best, not us? Isn’t God sovereign, even in the small things? Yes, He is!

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”

-Isaiah 55:8 NLT

Anytime we pull out those control loving behaviors, it may seem like they are out of love but they often reveal our attempt to slide into the role of a god in someone else’s life. To be clear, we are pitiful and destructive substitutes for God.

I don’t know where today’s conversation meets you in your life. Perhaps, it’s good to take a moment to review today’s verse and reflect on whether you’re using any control-loving behaviors in a way that puts you in the position of God in someone else’s life. That can be heavy to consider, but worth it for both your sake, their sake, and your relationship with them.

Prayer

God, open my eyes and reveal my blind spots to where I have been subtly trying to control others. It’s hard when I’m worried and concerned about a situation or those that I love, but I need to turn all of my worries and cares over to You. I trust that You know what is best so help me to let go of trying to control. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS: Which control-loving behaviors pop up for you? If you've battled to let go of control, share your story below to encourage others!

It’s the final summer holiday, friends! Traditionally, Labor Day is when we scramble to get in that last cookout or day at the lake before we turn our attention to pumpkin spice lattes and sweaters. Depending on your family or political background, Labor Day has varied importance. I’m not here to get into the background of Labor Day, but today does inspire today’s devotional:

Do you regularly take a break from your labor?

As women, we tend to feel guilty about taking breaks or stopping our work. It doesn’t matter if we’re single, married, single again, with or without children, there always seems to be one more thing that we can do, right?

Yet, our bodies are not built for endless work, endless planning or endless activity. Like a gas tank, we run out. In fact, we KNOW that we’ll run out of energy and yet, we keep going. But why?

It's often because we believe two things:

1. It won't get done unless we do it.

2. Unless we work 24/7, our lives will fall apart unless we're to keep everyone and everything together and moving forward.

That's the mindset for exhaustion! When we're exhausted, we tend to let it show. Which one of these are true for you?

Easily annoyed...

Overly sensitive...

Impatient...

Desparate...

Here’s a hard question: How do your loved ones experience you when you’re exhausted? Do they feel more or less loved about you?

The truth is that when you and I don’t stop to rest, the quality of our relationships reflect our exhaustion. You can’t give what you don’t have, my friend.

In Genesis 1, God creates the world and if you’re familiar with this story, you recall how God stopped working at the end of each day. Then, He took a break at the end of His project, which was creating the world. So, God took regular breaks and then, He took a rest.

To be clear, God didn’t need to do that. But, He did to show us the principle of working hard and then, choosing to take breaks and allowing ourselves regular periods of rest.

It took years for me to break the habit of non-stop work. In my mind, I used to say things like, “I’ll just do one more thing” or “If I don’t do this, I’ll be behind later.” Can you relate?

Do you want to know what helped me break my bad habit of not taking breaks or resting? Sabbath or what I call "Shut Down Days."

For my entire life, I've been a work-a-holic until fifteen years ago when I began to follow God’s Sabbath example, which Jesus reaffirmed in the New Testament. 

Shut Down Days mean that I have no apointments or obligations on my calendar for work. I don't plan housework or errands. I let my mind rest from problem-solving.  (Even when I was married and had kids at home, I would do urgent cleaning the night before my Shut Down Day and arrange a crock pot meal or takeout.)

On Shutdown Days, my soul takes a deep breath because I'm not pushing myself. I am gentle with my body and I can literally feel my brain recharging and my body repairing itself.

Here's a bottom line that I use to remind myself: "You are blessed when you rest."

I know that many of you know that you need to do this, but you aren’t sure that you can make it work for your life. Here’s what years of a weekly Shutdown Day has done for me:

1. Increased Faith - I also have time to reflect on my relationship with God and I can listen for any the Spirit’s without feeling rushed.
2. Freedom from Control-Loving Behaviors - Each week, I must trust God with whatever I am not getting done that day. Practicing letting go of control on my Shutdown Day makes it easier for me to let go of control on other days.
3. Stronger Mental Health - Our brains need rest just like our bodies. Giving my brain a break from planning and problem-solving allows it to recharge and work better the rest of the week. Trust me, this works!
4. Loving Others Better - Since I have a whole day with no meetings or obligations, I can catch up with my loved ones and friends. I can ask how people are doing, listen and pray for others. A Shutdown Day is a great way to improve relationships!

Which one of these looks the most attractive to you?

If you feel like you're about to fall apart because you're life is spinning out of control or you exhuasted, a Shut Down Day maybe what God wants to use to recharge and recalibrate your mind, bodies and souls.

Friends, when people ask me how I can keep my busy travel, write books and encourage others, my weekly Shutdown Day is a huge reason why.

I’d love for you to try a Shutdown Day if you don’t always have a rest day. FREE RESOURCE: I’ve got a quick start-up guide and you can download here.

Don’t worry about being perfect to start. As a best-selling author says, “Make progress, not perfection.”

I truly hope that today’s Labor Day inspires you to start this life-giving habit!

COMMENT BELOW: Which one of the Shut Down Day Benefits is most attractive for you? If you regularly take a Sabbath, how are you blessed?

“Mom, meet us here at open mic night and we’ll leave for dinner.”

Turns out “open mic night” was code for MY SURPRISE 50TH BIRTHDAY PARTY planned by my beautiful sister, Tonya and my three wonderful kids on Friday night.

Well, my beautiful surprise party was scheduled to begin at 5:30pm...

But, at 5:30pm, I was at home in my bed asleep with a WHOLE hair bonnet on my head. For the record, when a black woman puts a bonnet on her head and climbs in the bed, she is communicating: "I'm out and leave me alone."

Therefore, when I arrived 45 minutes late to my party and heard everyone yelling "SURPRISE," I was still waking up and totally confused. Here's a video that captured the moment - ha!

So, earlier that day...

Friday was a blazing, ninety-five degree day at the zoo with my sister, Tonya, my kids, Abbie, Kai and Cass, our friend Heather and her baby, Hiro. (If you follow me on social media, you know that nine-month old baby Hiro has been battling cancer for the past four months. His family would appreciate your prayers.) Behind my smile and sunglasses, I was hiding a pretty broken heart...

(On Wednesday, my relationship ended with someone who was very special to me. He's a wonderful man. Sometimes, the outcome doesn't shape up as we'd hoped, no matter how badly we want it, right? Monday was my third post-divorce, non-anniversary. July 18 would have been 30 years, so I still need to do forgiveness and grief work on that day each year. While it wasn't the end of the world, I was having a really rough few days.)

However, I was fiercely committed to making the best of my birthday weekend since my sister and all of kids were in town. Still, sad tears periodically leaked from my eyes from time to time. During a low moment on Friday morning, I whispered to my youngest, Abbie: “I’m really glad that I didn’t plan a party for my birthday.”

Later, Abbie told me that she panicked because my surprise party had the planned for months. But, at the zoo, she didn't give anything away. Abbie just gave me a hug and then snuck away to snapchat a SOS to her siblings: Mom's a mess, guys...

I was hot, sweaty and drained by the end of the trip. Back when my kids were growing up, we had a saying in our house: Sometimes, the best way to make a bad day go away is to take a nap.

So, when we returned home, I put my bonnet on and climbed in my bed...at 3:30pm.

About 5:40pm, my sweet sister coaxed me awake from my really great nap. She remineded me that we needed to meet the kids downtown for dinner. I was just going to comb my hair and leave, but she smiled and suggested: "Hey, you should probably change from those sweaty zoo clothes. The kids might make this your birthday dinner."

That should have been a big clue, but sleepy-head me missed it.

When we rolled up to the coffee shop at 6:15pm, my oldest Kai was waiting out front. For someone who didn't care about open mic night, Kai hustled me inside. That should have been another clue. Missed that one, too.

Turns out, a surprise party with loved ones is what I needed!

I had no idea that everyone around me had been planning for months. My sister, Tonya, was just like the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain managing dozens of details on a secret Facebook page. She and my Abbie coordinated all of the "who-is-doing-and-bringing-what" with friends and family. My heart was so touched when I found all the ways that everyone brought their loving touches to my special day. Makes me want to cry every time that I think about it.

During the party, everywhere my eyes landed in the room, I saw love, beauty, and connection.

Whether I visited with loved ones or took in the beautiful food and decorations, my tender heart savored it all, especially when I think about all of the sacrifices that everyone made to be a part of my speical day. 

Here's a picture of my family that we took at the end of the evening.

After the party was over, we had a huge laugh over all of the ways that I TOTALLY missed that they were planning a party. Even in the parking lot, I hopped out of the car and said, “Oh, that minivan looks just like my friend, Lauren’s.” My sister thought that I figured it out…still nope. Ha!

Having a 50th surpise party was wonderful! It was also a reminder to me that God doesn’t always give me what I want, but He always, always knows exactly what I need. On Wednesday, I was texting with friends after my breakup and the last line I wrote went like this: “Somehow God will make it okay. He always does.”

He totally did.

P.S. Today is my sister Tonya's birthday! Could you wish her a “Happy Birthday, Tonya” in the comments - add an emoji, too!

When life feels uncertain and we can't trace the hand of God in the middle of our trying circumstances, it can be easy to wonder if He's really there walking alongside us.

In today's conversation we have the privilege of hearing from special guests, Amy Carroll and Lynn Cowell, about their new Bible study, Esther: Seeing Our Invisible God in an Uncertain World. In this conversation, you will be encouraged with the reminder that God is always active, working out His bigger and better plan, even when we can't always see it in the moment.

ALSO! I had the honor of writing an endorsement for Lynn and Amy's Esther study - it's amazing. Here's my endorsement:

As a Bible teacher and lover of Esther's miraculous story, I thought that I knew everything about the book of Esther. Wrong! Amy and Lynn's new study provides fresh spiritual insights as well as humbly and lovingly raising the bar on Spirit-led personal application and spiritual challenge. Personally, I loved experiening fascinating new "a-ha" moments everyday of this study!

RESOURCES FROM THIS EPISODE

estherbookstudy.com

amycarroll.org

lynncowell.com

Esther: Seeing Our Invisible God in an Uncertain World

ABOUT OUR SPECIAL GUESTS

Check out this episode!

amberlyneese.com

The Belonging Project: Finding Your Tribe and Learning to Thrive

ABOUT OUR SPECIAL GUEST

This week, I was reflecting on the Old Testament story of Ruth and Naomi. Most of us know that Naomi tried to push her daughter-in-laws, Ruth and Orpah, to leave her and return to their families. Have you ever considered why?

The answer to that question strikes an eerie familiarity to what I’ve seen happen with Christian women over and over again when awkward or embarrassing situations pop up in their lives or their families.

For Naomi, moving back home to Bethlehem would have been tricky if Ruth and Orpah came with her. Naomi knew that there would have been hometown whispers that her sons broke God’s law by marrying Moabite women (Deuteronomy 7:3-4). Additionally, she may not have wanted to explain why years ago her husband moved their family away to a pagan land instead of staying and trusting God to take care of them.

Perhaps, you can relate to Naomi. You’ve done your best to be or at least look like a good Christian family. Then, something awkward or embarrassing happened.

Maybe your spouse stopped going to church, you declared bankruptcy, one of your unmarried kids got pregnant (or got someone else pregnant), experienced adultery or pornography crisis, went through a divorce or your  kids are rebelling in a big way.

If this is you, are you avoiding your Bible study group, pastor or Christian friends (even though you may not want to admit that)?

When I speak at women’s conferences, I share snippets of my story so that women know that my life isn’t perfect. Afterward, far too many women come to whisper to me something that they are ashamed or embarrassed about. These days, a lot of women who are dealing with pornography in their marriages or a child that has come out as LGBTQ. Here’s what far too many say to me: “Barb, I haven’t admitted this to anyone at my church.”

Yes, we do need to get better about being safe, trusted voices for those who are struggling. At the same time, I know that many of you are avoiding or pushing away trusted Christian friends because you’re too embarrassed to speak up.

I remember season of my own life when I pushed away good Christian friends, like Naomi tried to push away Ruth. I didn’t want anyone to get too close and discover the truth about what was going on. I was worried that other Christians would question whether I’d prayed enough or if God was punishing me. Of course, I didn’t want other Christians to think badly of my loved ones or me.

If I had to identify what help me move from the space of secrecy and shame to greater faith and freedom, it was the unconditional love and presence of trusted friends.

Even though Naomi didn’t want to take Ruth back to Bethlehem for fear that Naomi’s friends would find out that her sons broke God’s command, Ruth refused to be pushed away. Here is her well-known response to Naomi:

“But Ruth replied: Don’t plead with me to abandon you or to return and not follow you. For wherever you go, I will go, and wherever you live, I will live; your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord punish me, and do so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.”

Ruth 1:16-17 CSB

 When I reflect on Ruth’s response to Naomi, here are four lessons for us:

1. When trusted Godly people are in your path, move closer, don't push them away.

Moving close means that you're willing to take off your "Good Christian" mask and be real about your life - BUT that doesn't mean that you have to share all of the details. Pray for discernment around what to share and when.

2. Invite trusted friends to share in your celebrations AND struggles.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 reminds us that when we have others to rely on, their presence is one of the ways that God strengthens us.

3. Pray for spiritual sisters to make the tough journey of life with you.

If you are lacking spiritual sisters in your life, pray for them. Then, step out in faith and put yourself out there to establish new friends. God will fulfill His promise, but you’ve got to do your part.

4. Don’t allow your fears, insecurities or the enemy to plant seeds of fear or insecurity in your heart about your friendships.

If you’ve been hurt or betrayed by another friend, I’m so, so sorry. At the same time, I want to remind you that it was one person who betrayed you and there are lots of trustworthy Jesus-loving women out there. Go slow and build trust over time, but don’t give into fear and give up on finding those Jesus-loving sisters that you need.

Could it be that Ruth’s faithfulness is what overcame Naomi’s fear?

We don’t know why Naomi acquiesced. However, Naomi’s courage changed the trajectory of her life and legacy. She took Ruth with her back to Bethlehem and God blessed Naomi in so many ways!

For me, the reminder is to not push away faithful and trusted friends because I’m embarrassed or afraid.

QUESTION: As you reflect on Naomi’s situation, when do you avoid or push away your Christian friends? If you've learned how to lean into your trusted Christian friends when life is awkward or embarassing, how has this blessed you?

After serving as a pastor for 20 years, Mark Savage hit a crisis point in his own life. Festering childhood wounds combined with the stresses of marriage and life erupted in Mark's life like a devastating tornado. There was a season where Mark turned his back on God, left his wife and five childen and he nearly self-destructed.

After a dark year, Mark experienced his own resurrection on an Easter Sunday twelve years ago. He stopped fighting with God and began to climb out of the hole of his own making. Now, Mark helps others do the same. 

In this new episode of The Better Together Podcast, I'm thrilled to talk with my friend Mark Savage as he shares about 5 things that a struggling husband wished that his wife knew. Mark and his wife, Jill Savage (one of my favorite people!), speak internationally, and around the country. They also host marriage intensives in their home, helping couples in every stage of married life.

Mark Make sure to tell your girlfriends to check out this interview!

RESOURCES FROM THIS EPISODE

www.markandjill.org

No More Perfect Marriages by Mark and Jill Savage

Courses:

No More Perfect Marriages: Home Edition

The Wait is Not Wasted

Rebuilding Trust

ABOUT OUR SPECIAL GUEST

Check out this episode!

Two Hundred Tuesdays by Dianne Derby

Connect with Dianne on Facebook!

ABOUT OUR SPECIAL GUEST

As mental health awareness month continues, I’m talking about the four types of worriers from my Winning the Worry Battle book.

• Silent Sufferer

• Busy Body

• Control Freak

• Mother Hen

After discussing about the four types of worriers, I’ll teach you one of the most effective faith-based tools that I created years ago and I still use today. It’s simple and easy, so you can use it, too. In fact, you can download a notecard that you can use with the tool right by clicking here.

Now Available on Audiobook!