by Barb Roose | Aug 17, 2018 | Better Together Podcast
How many times a week do you say, “I’m so tired?”
Here are some signs that you’re might be exhausted. If you say “yes” to one or more of these, keep reading!
- Do you get sick often – like sinus infections or headaches?
- Is your mind so cluttered that you can’t concentrate?
- Do you feel like you’re floating around aimlessly or that your life doesn’t have true purpose or calling?
- Do you feel too drained to be around people or do you often feel people are judging you?
Believe it or not, but these are the warning signs of rest deprivation. Too often, we think about rest as just getting a good night’s sleep or watching hours of tv.
Rest is much more than that! But, if we don’t figure out how to really rest, then we’re going to end up living really messed up lives.
Let me introduce you to someone who can give you the help and hope that you need today!
My Better Together guest is Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith, an author, speaker, and board-certified internal medicine physician. She has an active medical practice in Alabama (near the Birmingham area).
Dr. Dalton-Smith is a national and international media resource on the mind, body, spirit connection and a top 100 medical expert in Good Housekeeping Doctors’ Secrets. She has been featured in many media outlets including Women’s Day, Redbook, First For Women, MSNBC, and Prevention. She is the author of Set Free to Live Free and Come Empty (winner 2016 Golden Scroll Nonfiction Book of the Year and 2016 Illumination Award Gold medalist).
Her newest release is Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Restore Your Sanity, including ground-breaking insight on the seven types of rest needed to optimize your productivity, increase your overall happiness and live your best life.
Today, Dr. Dalton Smith answers these pressing questions about rest:
- How can we get a better night’s sleep?
- How do we know when we’re rested?
- What are some warning signs that we need to know?
- Why is there more than one type of rest?
- Why do women struggle with rest?
LINKS FROM TODAY’S EPISODE
Saundra Dalton-Smith: website | facebook page
Rest Test Quiz: http://ichoosemybestlife.com/quiz/rest-quiz-test/
COMMENT: ON A SCALE OF 1 (A LITTLE) – 10 (EXTREMELY), HOW TIRED ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT YOU NEED TO DO DIFFERENTLY IN ORDER TO EMBRACE MORE REST IN YOUR LIFE?
by Barb Roose | Aug 16, 2018 | Better Together Podcast
“Don’t burn bridges. Be graceful in all of your converations, especially when people say or do hurtful things.”
-Lisa Toney, speaker, author & leader
On this week’s Better Together podcast, we’re talking about one of my favorite ways for us to get better together. On today’s episode, we’re talking leadership! Not only that, but our leadership inspiration is Lisa Toney, an executive and teaching pastor from Purpose Church in California. She’s a seasoned leader who loves investing in both men and women, equipping them to lead at the highest levels of God’s call in their lives.
Lisa is the author of Thrive: Live Like You Matter and her new book, The Scripture Challenge releases this fall.
Not only that, but Lisa is a new voice in the next generation of Women of Faith. Any Women of Faith fans out there? Me! For over 20 years, WOF events around the country mobilized hundreds of thousands of women and now, a generation of voices, including Lisa’s are on deck to make a global impact. Lisa tells us all about WOF’s vision to reach the world and how YOU can be a part of it.
In my humble opinion, today’s conversation is like a mini-leadership retreat that packs a big punch! You should listen to today’s podcast:
- If you’ve been struggling with confidence;
- If you’re trying to figure out how to be a leader, wife, mom, and friend;
- If you’re just tired and wanting to give up.
Friends, if any of those fit, then I believe that today’s podcast is exactly where you should be right now!
Let me share a few bits of Lisa’s inspiring wisdom:
“This competition thing that we have between women doesn’t get us very far. When I get together with other women and we exchange ideas, all of our lives get so much better!”
“When I think about work life balance, I just laugh. Is it ever balanced? I don’t know. I love living every day to the full.”
“I want people to see Jesus in me because that’s evidence that I’m living the call that God has placed on my life.”
SHARE YOUR COMMENT: Have you taken Myers-Briggs (MBTI), Strengths Finders, Enneagram, or other personality tests? Tell us about your results below.
LINKS FROM TODAY’S CONVERSATION:
Lisa Toney website | Facebook | book
Women of Faith Facebook Page (To find Scripture Challenge and Aloud)
Strengths Finders
by Barb Roose | Aug 14, 2018 | Women's Topics
by Barb Roose
Thank you to those of you who continue to reach out to ask how our family is doing. You just don’t even know how much your words have encouraged my heart!
However, a few of your emails linger in my mind, particularly those of you who wrote something like this: “Barb, thank you for speaking up. I’m in the same situation with my husband, but it’s not something we talk about in our family.”
If you sent one of those emails, you are God’s answer to my prayer: “God, do I really have to keep talking about this? This is so hard! Can’t I just go back to posting Bible verses and pictures of flowers?”
In the past few weeks, God has led me down a different path. A scarier and harder path. Along the way, I’ve been so blessed by how you’ve prayed for my family, especially my kids and my husband. I believe that with God all things are possible. But, I also know that many of you prayed, yet your marriage still ended. I am so sorry for your heartache. The hard truth that I must embrace is that God will either heal my marriage or He will heal me. Since I don’t know what will happen, my plan is to walk by faith each day and leave the future to God.
Today, I’m sharing my journey from keeping our situation a secret, maintaining privacy and being led to make it public.
First, vocabulary time. Here’s the difference between bad secrets, privacy, and making something public:
- Bad Secret: Important information that affects the welfare of others but that information is withheld or there is a refusal to purposefully talk about it.
- Private: Information given to those who need awareness or protection but isn’t widely circulated to everyone else.
- Public: Putting it out there on Facebook…
Are ALL secrets bad?
`No. Not all secrets are bad. If there is something in your life that you don’t want to talk about and it affects only you, then keep it to yourself. Did you get cut from the cheer squad in high school but you don’t like to talk about it? You do you. Lose your first job out of college before you met your spouse? No worries.
However, a bad secret is a hush-hush matter that we don’t want to talk about it AND people have been hurt because of it. That’s a bad secret.
I spent three years keeping my husband’s suspected drinking problem a secret from my kids and family. I didn’t know how to talk about it. All I knew is that something was changing in our lives, but not for the better. Even though I started talking to a counselor, I never said a word to anyone else. Meanwhile, my fears mounted. I started losing my temper often. I cried a lot. Still, I kept silent.
Then, a major event happened and that was when I realized that I couldn’t keep silent any more…
My journey from secrecy to privacy…
After an alcohol-related crisis in 2011, my husband and I separated for two weeks. This was at my insistence. I was angry. I wasn’t kind or gracious about his struggle. All I could think about was my pain and what had happened to me. Now, it hurt too much to be silent, so I told the ladies in my small group at the time. I felt so sick sharing my secret, but they responded with compassion. Oddly enough, I felt less sick after talking.
About this same time, I called my father-in-law, Brent. He was the first person that I opened up and really talked with about my husband’s struggle. My father-in-law struggled with alcohol addiction until his 50’s before finding freedom in AA. His addiction cost him a lot, but he finally broke free of his painful past by walking the hard-fought road to recovery. Brent gave me helpful language to talk about addiction. Most of all, he didn’t criticize me for talking. He had compassion for the situation that we were in.
Once I began felt more comfortable after talking with my father-in-law, I began conversations with my husband, other family members, close friends, and my kids. I must be honest, the conversations in those early years didn’t go well. I was angry and scared, so I blamed, argued, and got defensive. I also discovered that I had to daily surrender my fears to God in order for counseling and recovery to actually make a difference. I knew that in order to give my kids the best chance for their future, we needed to talk openly and purposefully about what was happening in our family.
Surrounding myself with safe, wise, and trusted voices was essential to privacy. Anything less will drive you back to secrecy. What do safe, wise and trusted voices sound like? They know how to listen well. They do not shut down your opinions. Most of all, they don’t “should” all over you! Instead, they let you discover the path and they love and cheer you along the way.
This is why I’m a huge fan of recovery groups like Celebrate Recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), and Al-Anon. There’s a better chance of finding safe voices to help you break away from secrecy than any place else. What happens next is up to you. As they say in recovery, “It only works if you work it.” (By the way, you may be super angry the first time you attend a recovery meeting. It’s okay. Most all of us felt that way, too. Go for three meetings and then decide if you should keep going.)
Since my situation was no longer a secret, I began to get better. I talked. I learned. I felt healing come into my life.
But, I didn’t feel the need to talk about our family’s situation publicly, whether in books, keynote messages or social media. Privacy worked for me.
Until this year…
The line between private and public is a personal decision.
The tipping point is whether or not sharing one’s experience can making a lasting and positive impact on the lives of others.
(If you go to my church, you know that I totally ripped off that italicized phrase!)
I hadn’t planned on talking publicly about my marriage separation or my husband’s battle with alcohol addiction until later – much later. Like years from now. In my mind, I planned to tell our story in a blog post, book or keynote message. I planned to start my story with something sounded like: Well, there’s a story that I need to tell you about a difficult time in my life long ago. But praise God it’s over and we’re all together and doing great.
But that is not the story that I get to tell.
While writing this post, it occurred to me that my father-in-law was the person who helped me move from secrecy to privacy. Then, it was his death a month ago (July 19) that moved me from privacy to talking publicly. I will forever be grateful to Brent for being there and helping me learn how to talk about something that I didn’t know how to talk about.
My father-in-law passed away from a massive heart attack in my husband’s arms. Two days after Brent’s death, I felt God telling me that it was time to talk publicly about our situation. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. All of the fear and feelings that once came with secrecy came roaring back when I felt God calling me to talk publicly.
I began praying and asking God for wisdom to do what it seemed that He was leading me to do. I reached out to three wise friends who suggested that I wait until I had the margin to write and respond to emails. Ten days later, I spent an entire day writing that first public blog post. Seven girlfriends reviewed my blog to make sure that it was as kind, honest, and respectful as I possibly could be. Next, I sent the post in advance to my kids and husband. Then I sent it to my family and my husband’s side of the family. After they had a few days of time, then, I shared the public news.
How did it feel? I felt nauseous and sick.
I really wanted to escape the entire matter. I’ve had to fight waves of fear. I’m sharing them because if you’re facing some real and raw fears about sharing a secret or taking publicly, I want you to know that you’re not alone…
What if my husband’s side of the family stops speaking to me?
What if talking publicly is the final straw and my husband walks away for good?
What if people aren’t cool around my kids?
I wish that I could tell you that these fears have completely gone away. They haven’t. But, just because they are fears, I have the tools to help me not be afraid. I handle those fears when they pop up and I move on.
For those who are grappling with family secrets, I hope that sharing my story gives you a chance to think about what God may want you to do with your story. Notice how important it was for me to have safe and wise voices in my life to support me. Also, the choice to share can’t be made by anyone else other than you. Don’t let others force you into speaking up or out if you aren’t ready.
If you feel like it might be time to move from secrecy to privacy or from privacy to making something public, remember this:
It’s okay if it feels really hard;
It’s okay if you feel like you want to throw up;
Do it with kindness and respect so that others can support you;
It’s okay if you do it scared.
Most of all, you’ll survive.
LEAVE A COMMENT: Why is talking about our family secrets so hard?
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by Barb Roose | Aug 8, 2018 | Reflections
If you read my blog post last week, you know that I had to make a painful, but necessary decision to move out of my home due to a long-term, on-going addiction issue. Friends, I want to thank you for your respectfulness of our family, especially my husband and children in your comments. We are ever so grateful for your prayers.
Do you remember that scene at the beginning of Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy gets hit in the head by a piece of wood and she wakes up in the middle of a tornado? There she is sitting on her bed, flying through the air and watching parts of her life fly by the window. Dorothy can’t do anything in that moment but watch and go with the uncontrollable flow.
This is a pretty apt description of my life.
Like the rotating wind in a tornado, my life is spinning real fast. Storms are uncontrollable and scary. Not only that, but they can cause a lot of damage! Last week, a small tornado struck the town next to me. A Facebook video showed a SUV sitting in a parking lot minding its own business before high winds whisked it away from its former place. Likewise, much of what I’ve known, loved, protected, wished for, or dreamed about feels swept up and away. I see everything and everyone moving around me, but much of my life is out of place. Each day I wonder when and how things will land. I wonder what will be left when the fierce winds die down…
What will survive the storm undamaged?
What treasures will be broken, but salvageable?
What will be mourned, swept up and thrown away?
The past six weeks have been pretty rough and painfully raw. However, the reality is that this crisis has been going on for a long time. It’s become a form of normal that I’d never wish on anyone. We’ve broken and been put back together at other times. So many times I’ve wondered how much could one relationship endure? For the past year, I feared another separation. I wonder if the third time will be the charm or if we’re looking at three strikes and we’re out. I don’t know.
If we jump out of my story for a moment, I’ve heard from so many of you. Wow. There’s a large and silent community of spouses whispering another form of “me, too.” In the middle of my tornado, I’ve felt an instant connection of new friends who understand the tension between the need to speak a painful truth while trying to protect the privacy of kids and struggling spouses. I’m so proud of each of you that shared your story with me and I’m praying for each and every one of you!
Then, I received a few emails from individuals who struggled on and off with alcohol addiction. They wrote to say that they needed to recommit to recovery and they asked me to pray for their families. Wow. Just wow.
God is always at work. Even in my crazy, swirling, unpredictable tornado.
One of the questions that I’m asked is “How do you get through this?” I like this question so much more than “How are you doing?” I don’t have an answer for that question because too much has happened. But, I do have an answer for the first question: Let God lead and the answers will come.
Letting God lead is the necessary cure for anyone that struggles with patience. Like me. Anyone else struggle with patience?
In my blog last week, I mentioned that I would share some of the mistakes that I’ve made. Impatience caused many mistakes and much heartache. Years ago, I pulled together a poorly-planned family intervention to force my husband into recovery. I was tired of hurting, so I decided that it was time to “fix” him. It was a disaster because I got in a hurry and pushed an agenda that God wasn’t in charge of. Yes, I prayed about the intervention, but I didn’t let God lead the timing. I made myself in charge of that.
When we don’t let God lead our plans, then our plans often lead us toward an outcome that we don’t want. In my case, Fear plus impatience equaled disaster.
Can you think of a few times when you struggled to let God lead and ended up with a disaster? Any of these resonate with you?
Your dream guy isn’t proposing fast enough so you compromise your standards in order to keep him….
You find a just-over-the budget dream home, but panic because you’re afraid of not getting it so you take out a hefty loan that keeps you up at night…
Your spouse is struggling or not getting with your program so you resort to nagging or lecturing to pressure him straighten up his wayward behavior.
It’s been said that while the early bird gets the worm, it’s the second mouse gets the cheese. Don’t jump too quick for something that God isn’t ready to give you.
How do we let God lead?
I love the story of the Israelites crossing the Jordan River before they entered the Promised Land (Joshua 3). God told Joshua to instruct the millions of Israelites to let the ark of the covenant start out toward the river before them. Joshua told the people to keep a half-mile distance or a 15-minute walk between themselves and the ark. Since the ark was the physical presence of God, the big picture principle behind command to stand back was this: Let God lead.
For me, this distance is also symbolic. Sometimes we get in a hurry when we’re trying to get something done. We pray and ask God for help or favor. At first, we try to be patient. But when God’s taking too long to get us what we want, we rush ahead into the unknown just because we’re too scared to stand still. But there was a reason why God told the people to wait for the ark to lead. “Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before.” (Joshua 3:4 NIV).
When life is uncertain, this is the most important time to slow down and let God lead. Let’s be honest, when you don’t really know what you’re doing or where you’re going, there’s a greater chance that you’ll mess up or hurt others figuring things out. But, God knows exactly what He is doing in your life at all times! There are no dark corners in God’s vision. He will always lead you to His best for you.
What’s a clue that you’re rushing ahead of God? You know that you’re rushing ahead of God when you start stressing out, controlling people and worrying about details. When you wait on God to lead you through uncertain times, you ‘re far enough back to let God pave the way for you.
Learning to be patient and let God lead is a hard lesson. But every time I let go and let God, He shows up and leads me through uncertainty in a way that allows me to sleep well each night and manage through tough days with peace, strength and courage.
Eight months ago, we were all feeling tremendous pain and strain from an addiction that was advancing and not retreating. I began praying for direction. I stayed put and waited for God to reveal an answer. Six months ago, an event occurred and I heard a clear whisper in my heart that it was time. It wasn’t time to move in that moment, but time to begin the process. First, I sat down with my husband and let him know. I asked him again to pursue recovery because we didn’t want to leave. As the months unfolded without any change, I kept praying, wiping many tears and starting to prepare for what I’d hoped wouldn’t need to come.
But it did. So, I let God lead even though I didn’t want to go.
It was amazing how God dropped the details into place. An affordable and ideally located place to live opened up. As a bonus, the apartment was owned by a friend. The timing of the move left room for my girls and I to settle in and to grieve before getting back to work. By letting God lead, I didn’t have to force a single solution. He provided what needed, even in the middle of what seemed like chaos to me.
Letting God move means that we learn to wait on Him. Even when our lives feel like a tornado or we stuck in a season of uncertainty, we wait. God likes to make us wait so that we can watch Him move miraculously in our favor.
LEAVE A COMMENT: Do you struggle with letting God lead? When do you get impatient and want to rush ahead of God?
by Barb Roose | Jul 31, 2018 | Women's Topics
It’s Sunday afternoon. I’m sitting at my departure gate at the Charlotte Airport, still hyped up by two glorious days at the She Speaks Conference hosted by Proverbs 31. Last summer I received an invitation to be a workshop presenter at this year’s conference. I loved attending as a participant in 2013 and 2014. Over the past twelve months, I prayed that God would use me to bless those ladies. On top of that She Speaks is a premier event, both highly respected and valued. I knew that teaching at the event would make the highlight reel of my career so far.
Little did I know that the 25 days before I left for the conference would be as P31 President Lysa TerKeurst characterized during her opening keynote message, “licking the floor of hell.”
Teaching at She Speaks Conference 2018 in the workshop “Keeping your J-O-B while launching your ministry.”
Figuring out how to start this post is tough, especially since the situation has been unfolding for many years and so much has happened just recently. I can’t really even point to a beginning, but by 2008 I realized that there might be an on-going problem. Back then, it was discussed. After, I figured that it was fixed. Then, a crisis in 2011, followed by a disaster in 2015. Now, this is just a season of on-going pain and loss.
It’s hard to figure out how to talk about something that you’re really not free to talk about…
If you come from a family that keeps white elephants as pets, you know what I mean. Over the past few years, I’ve tried to find ways to allude to what’s going on even though I couldn’t share the details. If you’ve read my Winning the Worry Battle book, there’s a low-key reference on page 14:
One of the scariest cliffhangers in my life has had me dangling by my fingertips on the edge for a few years. I wish I knew how or when it might end, but I don’t.
There’s another reference in the chapter titled, “Secret Weapon” on page 171:
Over the years, I’ve tried fasting periodically until a season of my life when my worry skyrocketed into the stratosphere. That new worry battle was either going to destroy me or create an opportunity for a new perspective on discipleship where I allowed God to reshape and remold me in a radical new way.”
Until recently, that was all that I could do. This might not be a big deal to you, but it has been painful for me. Integrity is at the top of my value list, along with authenticity and vulnerability. While our family and friends are fully aware of what’s been going on, it hasn’t been appropriate until now to talk about it in a public setting. In the past year, the gap between my ministry life and my actual life widened far past my comfort zone. I’ve felt the pain of that gap every single day. About 10 days ago I sensed a release from God to begin closing that gap.
But this means that I have to tell you the deepest, most painful place in my heart and life. It’s a raw, bleeding space with broken edges and dripping tears that I want to keep safe from criticism, gossip and well, nosy people. Telling my story opens up the possibility of more pain. But, as I learned last night when I spoke for the first time to a group of women at a Bible study at my church, maybe something good can happen. Like women who hugged my neck last night and whispered a low, “Thank you for sharing. This same situation happened to me.”
Here are words that I prayed for so long that I’d never have to say…
On July 1, I had to move myself and my two younger daughters out of our home and away from my husband of 26 years. I am the wife of a good man who struggles with a long-term alcohol addiction.
Family is a fabric. When someone we love begins to unravel, eventually we all fall apart. With a broken heart, I have to tell you that my family has fallen apart.
For the past 10 years, I’ve cried, plead, prayed, fasted, and begged God to rescue our family from a tool that Satan has been using to destroy someone that we deeply and dearly love.
If you grew up in a similar situation or lived in the pain of a marriage affected by this struggle, you know that every road is unique, but without recovery the end is the same – death. Without recovery, the destination of addiction spirals toward death, whether physical, relational, financial, or social, or a combination. We experienced some of this in our family, which led to the painful decision to separate.
While our family situation is complex, let me pause to emphasize three important things:
- My marriage and family are broken due to alcohol abuse, but there has never been a threat or instance of any physical or emotional abuse.
- I initiated the July separation as a last resort and in hope of future healing and restoration of our marriage and family.
- I am so grateful for recovery tools like Al-Anon as well as support from counseling, Bible study groups as well as our family and friends. I’ve used these tools and praise God for them! If you can relate to my story, I want to encourage you to jump into one of these recovery tools.
Clearly, there’s more talk about. Over the next few weeks, I’m going to talk about a few tough questions that I’ve wrestled through over the years. I’ll talk more about the mistakes that I’ve made, what God has taught me and most of all, examples of God’s favor and faithfulness even in the midst of our messy situation.
Words of life…
For the past year, there is a verse that has been central to my life and my soul survival. I think that now that you know a little more about my story, perhaps the following words that God spoke to a man named Joshua as he stood looking across the Jordan might look a little different to you. These words have bought great hope to my heart over the past year:
“This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9 NLT
As I wrote the Joshua Bible study, I clung to these words last summer. God has taught me so much over the past 10 years about walking by faith in uncertainty. Perhaps this is why this Joshua study is so precious to me.
I understand what it’s like to stand on the edge of unknown challenges and know that I’m going to have to fight for my life. I know what it’s like to face giant problems and solid walls that I can’t take down on my own. But, most importantly, over these many years, I’ve experienced the strength, courage and peace that comes when I remember that God is with me and for me in every circumstance, real or imagined. I learned that I can cry and carry a sword at the same time. I can wipe tears and still fight like a warrior.
Without a doubt, I know is that God taking care of each person in my family, even though He has allowed the heartache that we’re all experiencing.
God has given me the strength and courage to keep going in a year that I’ve lost my dad, my father-in-law, my husband (for now), and my home (for now). God’s strength and courage is the source of fuel for my soul. It has to be. There’s not a chance that I could have survived this year without God holding me tight. Not a chance. Too much has happened. Much more than I could handle on my own.
I might be brokenhearted, but I’m not beaten down.
Even though I’m hurting, I am filled with hope.
I believe in a God that can make all things new, even when all seems lost.
I know that God is faithful and able – whether He heals my marriage or He heals me.
I trust in God to deliver on His promises.
Thanks,
P.S. If you live in my community or go to my church, please be cool around my kids. They’ve been through a lot. They didn’t ask for a mom who works in public ministry and they are part of the reason why I’ve kept things private because it’s been tough. Please understand that they won’t feel comfortable talking about this at church or the grocery story – even if you have the best intentions. A simple smile or a quick “Praying for your family” will be welcomed and appreciated or you can email encouragement to barb@barbroose.com.
Your prayers for my family and other families like mine are welcome. If you are walking a similar road, I’d love to pray for you. In fact, if there is anything in your life that is stressing you out during the day or keeping you up at night, I’d love to pray for you. Click here to share your prayer request. When I pray for others, it helps me to stay others-centered and not get focused on myself.
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