by Barb Roose | Aug 17, 2018 | Better Together Podcast
"God, I can't do this."
In 2006, speaker and author Gail Cooper spoke these desperate words on her knees in a field on the way to where rescuers were looking for her 21-year old son. He'd been canoeing with a friend right before college graduation when his canoe went under - and Gail got the call in the middle of the night.
One of the goals of my Better Together podcast is to talk about real life issues that live deep in the souls of women. One of those issues is grief. These days, grief is a daily part of my life in losing my father and father-in-law in the past year. But there are other forms of grief - a lost dream, losing a job, divorce or marriage crisis. Friend, it's okay to give yourself permission to grieve if you've lost something important that you loved.
Grief is a part of life, but when we're afraid to feel grief or even talk about it, grief becomes a prison. How do we learn how to embrace grief as a process that God can bless with purpose?
Gail shows us what that looks like in her life during today's episode. We'll talk about that life-changing night and what happened during the five-days that it took researches to find her son's body. Gail tells us about her grief journey, her anger at God, and a prophetic moment at a Beth Moore event that left me with chill bumps! Twelve years after her son's death, Gail is living purposefully, even in grief.
Here are a few things that Gail said that blessed my heart:
"I gave to God what I could not handle on my own."
"I felt like God was telling me, 'Gail, you're driving into something bigger than you can handle on your own.'"
"I wake up celebrating life!"
When I finished talking with Gail, I was so encouraged by her passionate faith - and I think that you will be, too.
If you or someone that you know is struggling with grief at any stage, please share this podcast with them. You can share it, send the link via email or send it via Facebook messenger.
LINKS FROM TODAY'S PODCAST:
Gail Cooper website | facebook (She Shed Moments)
COMMENT: ARE YOU GRIEVING A LOSS IN YOUR LIFE? WHAT DO YOU WISH THAT PEOPLE WOULD STOP DOING OR SAYING WHEN SOMEONE IS GRIEVING?
by Barb Roose | Aug 17, 2018 | Better Together Podcast
How many times a week do you say, “I’m so tired?”
Here are some signs that you’re might be exhausted. If you say “yes” to one or more of these, keep reading!
- Do you get sick often – like sinus infections or headaches?
- Is your mind so cluttered that you can’t concentrate?
- Do you feel like you’re floating around aimlessly or that your life doesn’t have true purpose or calling?
- Do you feel too drained to be around people or do you often feel people are judging you?
Believe it or not, but these are the warning signs of rest deprivation. Too often, we think about rest as just getting a good night’s sleep or watching hours of tv.
Rest is much more than that! But, if we don’t figure out how to really rest, then we’re going to end up living really messed up lives.
Let me introduce you to someone who can give you the help and hope that you need today!
My Better Together guest is Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith, an author, speaker, and board-certified internal medicine physician. She has an active medical practice in Alabama (near the Birmingham area).
Dr. Dalton-Smith is a national and international media resource on the mind, body, spirit connection and a top 100 medical expert in Good Housekeeping Doctors’ Secrets. She has been featured in many media outlets including Women’s Day, Redbook, First For Women, MSNBC, and Prevention. She is the author of Set Free to Live Free and Come Empty (winner 2016 Golden Scroll Nonfiction Book of the Year and 2016 Illumination Award Gold medalist).
Her newest release is Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Restore Your Sanity, including ground-breaking insight on the seven types of rest needed to optimize your productivity, increase your overall happiness and live your best life.
Today, Dr. Dalton Smith answers these pressing questions about rest:
- How can we get a better night’s sleep?
- How do we know when we’re rested?
- What are some warning signs that we need to know?
- Why is there more than one type of rest?
- Why do women struggle with rest?
LINKS FROM TODAY’S EPISODE
Saundra Dalton-Smith: website | facebook page
Rest Test Quiz: http://ichoosemybestlife.com/quiz/rest-quiz-test/
COMMENT: ON A SCALE OF 1 (A LITTLE) – 10 (EXTREMELY), HOW TIRED ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT YOU NEED TO DO DIFFERENTLY IN ORDER TO EMBRACE MORE REST IN YOUR LIFE?
by Barb Roose | Aug 16, 2018 | Better Together Podcast
“Don’t burn bridges. Be graceful in all of your converations, especially when people say or do hurtful things.”
-Lisa Toney, speaker, author & leader
On this week’s Better Together podcast, we’re talking about one of my favorite ways for us to get better together. On today’s episode, we’re talking leadership! Not only that, but our leadership inspiration is Lisa Toney, an executive and teaching pastor from Purpose Church in California. She’s a seasoned leader who loves investing in both men and women, equipping them to lead at the highest levels of God’s call in their lives.
Lisa is the author of Thrive: Live Like You Matter and her new book, The Scripture Challenge releases this fall.
Not only that, but Lisa is a new voice in the next generation of Women of Faith. Any Women of Faith fans out there? Me! For over 20 years, WOF events around the country mobilized hundreds of thousands of women and now, a generation of voices, including Lisa’s are on deck to make a global impact. Lisa tells us all about WOF’s vision to reach the world and how YOU can be a part of it.
In my humble opinion, today’s conversation is like a mini-leadership retreat that packs a big punch! You should listen to today’s podcast:
- If you’ve been struggling with confidence;
- If you’re trying to figure out how to be a leader, wife, mom, and friend;
- If you’re just tired and wanting to give up.
Friends, if any of those fit, then I believe that today’s podcast is exactly where you should be right now!
Let me share a few bits of Lisa’s inspiring wisdom:
“This competition thing that we have between women doesn’t get us very far. When I get together with other women and we exchange ideas, all of our lives get so much better!”
“When I think about work life balance, I just laugh. Is it ever balanced? I don’t know. I love living every day to the full.”
“I want people to see Jesus in me because that’s evidence that I’m living the call that God has placed on my life.”
SHARE YOUR COMMENT: Have you taken Myers-Briggs (MBTI), Strengths Finders, Enneagram, or other personality tests? Tell us about your results below.
LINKS FROM TODAY’S CONVERSATION:
Lisa Toney website | Facebook | book
Women of Faith Facebook Page (To find Scripture Challenge and Aloud)
Strengths Finders
by Barb Roose | Aug 14, 2018 | Women's Topics
by Barb Roose
Thank you to those of you who continue to reach out to ask how our family is doing. You just don’t even know how much your words have encouraged my heart!
However, a few of your emails linger in my mind, particularly those of you who wrote something like this: “Barb, thank you for speaking up. I’m in the same situation with my husband, but it’s not something we talk about in our family.”
If you sent one of those emails, you are God’s answer to my prayer: “God, do I really have to keep talking about this? This is so hard! Can’t I just go back to posting Bible verses and pictures of flowers?”
In the past few weeks, God has led me down a different path. A scarier and harder path. Along the way, I’ve been so blessed by how you’ve prayed for my family, especially my kids and my husband. I believe that with God all things are possible. But, I also know that many of you prayed, yet your marriage still ended. I am so sorry for your heartache. The hard truth that I must embrace is that God will either heal my marriage or He will heal me. Since I don’t know what will happen, my plan is to walk by faith each day and leave the future to God.
Today, I’m sharing my journey from keeping our situation a secret, maintaining privacy and being led to make it public.
First, vocabulary time. Here’s the difference between bad secrets, privacy, and making something public:
- Bad Secret: Important information that affects the welfare of others but that information is withheld or there is a refusal to purposefully talk about it.
- Private: Information given to those who need awareness or protection but isn’t widely circulated to everyone else.
- Public: Putting it out there on Facebook…
Are ALL secrets bad?
`No. Not all secrets are bad. If there is something in your life that you don’t want to talk about and it affects only you, then keep it to yourself. Did you get cut from the cheer squad in high school but you don’t like to talk about it? You do you. Lose your first job out of college before you met your spouse? No worries.
However, a bad secret is a hush-hush matter that we don’t want to talk about it AND people have been hurt because of it. That’s a bad secret.
I spent three years keeping my husband’s suspected drinking problem a secret from my kids and family. I didn’t know how to talk about it. All I knew is that something was changing in our lives, but not for the better. Even though I started talking to a counselor, I never said a word to anyone else. Meanwhile, my fears mounted. I started losing my temper often. I cried a lot. Still, I kept silent.
Then, a major event happened and that was when I realized that I couldn’t keep silent any more…
My journey from secrecy to privacy…
After an alcohol-related crisis in 2011, my husband and I separated for two weeks. This was at my insistence. I was angry. I wasn’t kind or gracious about his struggle. All I could think about was my pain and what had happened to me. Now, it hurt too much to be silent, so I told the ladies in my small group at the time. I felt so sick sharing my secret, but they responded with compassion. Oddly enough, I felt less sick after talking.
About this same time, I called my father-in-law, Brent. He was the first person that I opened up and really talked with about my husband’s struggle. My father-in-law struggled with alcohol addiction until his 50’s before finding freedom in AA. His addiction cost him a lot, but he finally broke free of his painful past by walking the hard-fought road to recovery. Brent gave me helpful language to talk about addiction. Most of all, he didn’t criticize me for talking. He had compassion for the situation that we were in.
Once I began felt more comfortable after talking with my father-in-law, I began conversations with my husband, other family members, close friends, and my kids. I must be honest, the conversations in those early years didn’t go well. I was angry and scared, so I blamed, argued, and got defensive. I also discovered that I had to daily surrender my fears to God in order for counseling and recovery to actually make a difference. I knew that in order to give my kids the best chance for their future, we needed to talk openly and purposefully about what was happening in our family.
Surrounding myself with safe, wise, and trusted voices was essential to privacy. Anything less will drive you back to secrecy. What do safe, wise and trusted voices sound like? They know how to listen well. They do not shut down your opinions. Most of all, they don’t “should” all over you! Instead, they let you discover the path and they love and cheer you along the way.
This is why I’m a huge fan of recovery groups like Celebrate Recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), and Al-Anon. There’s a better chance of finding safe voices to help you break away from secrecy than any place else. What happens next is up to you. As they say in recovery, “It only works if you work it.” (By the way, you may be super angry the first time you attend a recovery meeting. It’s okay. Most all of us felt that way, too. Go for three meetings and then decide if you should keep going.)
Since my situation was no longer a secret, I began to get better. I talked. I learned. I felt healing come into my life.
But, I didn’t feel the need to talk about our family’s situation publicly, whether in books, keynote messages or social media. Privacy worked for me.
Until this year…
The line between private and public is a personal decision.
The tipping point is whether or not sharing one’s experience can making a lasting and positive impact on the lives of others.
(If you go to my church, you know that I totally ripped off that italicized phrase!)
I hadn’t planned on talking publicly about my marriage separation or my husband’s battle with alcohol addiction until later – much later. Like years from now. In my mind, I planned to tell our story in a blog post, book or keynote message. I planned to start my story with something sounded like: Well, there’s a story that I need to tell you about a difficult time in my life long ago. But praise God it’s over and we’re all together and doing great.
But that is not the story that I get to tell.
While writing this post, it occurred to me that my father-in-law was the person who helped me move from secrecy to privacy. Then, it was his death a month ago (July 19) that moved me from privacy to talking publicly. I will forever be grateful to Brent for being there and helping me learn how to talk about something that I didn’t know how to talk about.
My father-in-law passed away from a massive heart attack in my husband’s arms. Two days after Brent’s death, I felt God telling me that it was time to talk publicly about our situation. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. All of the fear and feelings that once came with secrecy came roaring back when I felt God calling me to talk publicly.
I began praying and asking God for wisdom to do what it seemed that He was leading me to do. I reached out to three wise friends who suggested that I wait until I had the margin to write and respond to emails. Ten days later, I spent an entire day writing that first public blog post. Seven girlfriends reviewed my blog to make sure that it was as kind, honest, and respectful as I possibly could be. Next, I sent the post in advance to my kids and husband. Then I sent it to my family and my husband’s side of the family. After they had a few days of time, then, I shared the public news.
How did it feel? I felt nauseous and sick.
I really wanted to escape the entire matter. I’ve had to fight waves of fear. I’m sharing them because if you’re facing some real and raw fears about sharing a secret or taking publicly, I want you to know that you’re not alone…
What if my husband’s side of the family stops speaking to me?
What if talking publicly is the final straw and my husband walks away for good?
What if people aren’t cool around my kids?
I wish that I could tell you that these fears have completely gone away. They haven’t. But, just because they are fears, I have the tools to help me not be afraid. I handle those fears when they pop up and I move on.
For those who are grappling with family secrets, I hope that sharing my story gives you a chance to think about what God may want you to do with your story. Notice how important it was for me to have safe and wise voices in my life to support me. Also, the choice to share can’t be made by anyone else other than you. Don’t let others force you into speaking up or out if you aren’t ready.
If you feel like it might be time to move from secrecy to privacy or from privacy to making something public, remember this:
It’s okay if it feels really hard;
It’s okay if you feel like you want to throw up;
Do it with kindness and respect so that others can support you;
It’s okay if you do it scared.
Most of all, you’ll survive.
LEAVE A COMMENT: Why is talking about our family secrets so hard?
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by Barb Roose | Aug 8, 2018 | Reflections
If you read my blog post last week, you know that I had to make a painful, but necessary decision to move out of my home due to a long-term, on-going addiction issue. Friends, I want to thank you for your respectfulness of our family, especially my husband and children in your comments. We are ever so grateful for your prayers.
Do you remember that scene at the beginning of Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy gets hit in the head by a piece of wood and she wakes up in the middle of a tornado? There she is sitting on her bed, flying through the air and watching parts of her life fly by the window. Dorothy can’t do anything in that moment but watch and go with the uncontrollable flow.
This is a pretty apt description of my life.
Like the rotating wind in a tornado, my life is spinning real fast. Storms are uncontrollable and scary. Not only that, but they can cause a lot of damage! Last week, a small tornado struck the town next to me. A Facebook video showed a SUV sitting in a parking lot minding its own business before high winds whisked it away from its former place. Likewise, much of what I’ve known, loved, protected, wished for, or dreamed about feels swept up and away. I see everything and everyone moving around me, but much of my life is out of place. Each day I wonder when and how things will land. I wonder what will be left when the fierce winds die down…
What will survive the storm undamaged?
What treasures will be broken, but salvageable?
What will be mourned, swept up and thrown away?
The past six weeks have been pretty rough and painfully raw. However, the reality is that this crisis has been going on for a long time. It’s become a form of normal that I’d never wish on anyone. We’ve broken and been put back together at other times. So many times I’ve wondered how much could one relationship endure? For the past year, I feared another separation. I wonder if the third time will be the charm or if we’re looking at three strikes and we’re out. I don’t know.
If we jump out of my story for a moment, I’ve heard from so many of you. Wow. There’s a large and silent community of spouses whispering another form of “me, too.” In the middle of my tornado, I’ve felt an instant connection of new friends who understand the tension between the need to speak a painful truth while trying to protect the privacy of kids and struggling spouses. I’m so proud of each of you that shared your story with me and I’m praying for each and every one of you!
Then, I received a few emails from individuals who struggled on and off with alcohol addiction. They wrote to say that they needed to recommit to recovery and they asked me to pray for their families. Wow. Just wow.
God is always at work. Even in my crazy, swirling, unpredictable tornado.
One of the questions that I’m asked is “How do you get through this?” I like this question so much more than “How are you doing?” I don’t have an answer for that question because too much has happened. But, I do have an answer for the first question: Let God lead and the answers will come.
Letting God lead is the necessary cure for anyone that struggles with patience. Like me. Anyone else struggle with patience?
In my blog last week, I mentioned that I would share some of the mistakes that I’ve made. Impatience caused many mistakes and much heartache. Years ago, I pulled together a poorly-planned family intervention to force my husband into recovery. I was tired of hurting, so I decided that it was time to “fix” him. It was a disaster because I got in a hurry and pushed an agenda that God wasn’t in charge of. Yes, I prayed about the intervention, but I didn’t let God lead the timing. I made myself in charge of that.
When we don’t let God lead our plans, then our plans often lead us toward an outcome that we don’t want. In my case, Fear plus impatience equaled disaster.
Can you think of a few times when you struggled to let God lead and ended up with a disaster? Any of these resonate with you?
Your dream guy isn’t proposing fast enough so you compromise your standards in order to keep him….
You find a just-over-the budget dream home, but panic because you’re afraid of not getting it so you take out a hefty loan that keeps you up at night…
Your spouse is struggling or not getting with your program so you resort to nagging or lecturing to pressure him straighten up his wayward behavior.
It’s been said that while the early bird gets the worm, it’s the second mouse gets the cheese. Don’t jump too quick for something that God isn’t ready to give you.
How do we let God lead?
I love the story of the Israelites crossing the Jordan River before they entered the Promised Land (Joshua 3). God told Joshua to instruct the millions of Israelites to let the ark of the covenant start out toward the river before them. Joshua told the people to keep a half-mile distance or a 15-minute walk between themselves and the ark. Since the ark was the physical presence of God, the big picture principle behind command to stand back was this: Let God lead.
For me, this distance is also symbolic. Sometimes we get in a hurry when we’re trying to get something done. We pray and ask God for help or favor. At first, we try to be patient. But when God’s taking too long to get us what we want, we rush ahead into the unknown just because we’re too scared to stand still. But there was a reason why God told the people to wait for the ark to lead. “Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before.” (Joshua 3:4 NIV).
When life is uncertain, this is the most important time to slow down and let God lead. Let’s be honest, when you don’t really know what you’re doing or where you’re going, there’s a greater chance that you’ll mess up or hurt others figuring things out. But, God knows exactly what He is doing in your life at all times! There are no dark corners in God’s vision. He will always lead you to His best for you.
What’s a clue that you’re rushing ahead of God? You know that you’re rushing ahead of God when you start stressing out, controlling people and worrying about details. When you wait on God to lead you through uncertain times, you ‘re far enough back to let God pave the way for you.
Learning to be patient and let God lead is a hard lesson. But every time I let go and let God, He shows up and leads me through uncertainty in a way that allows me to sleep well each night and manage through tough days with peace, strength and courage.
Eight months ago, we were all feeling tremendous pain and strain from an addiction that was advancing and not retreating. I began praying for direction. I stayed put and waited for God to reveal an answer. Six months ago, an event occurred and I heard a clear whisper in my heart that it was time. It wasn’t time to move in that moment, but time to begin the process. First, I sat down with my husband and let him know. I asked him again to pursue recovery because we didn’t want to leave. As the months unfolded without any change, I kept praying, wiping many tears and starting to prepare for what I’d hoped wouldn’t need to come.
But it did. So, I let God lead even though I didn’t want to go.
It was amazing how God dropped the details into place. An affordable and ideally located place to live opened up. As a bonus, the apartment was owned by a friend. The timing of the move left room for my girls and I to settle in and to grieve before getting back to work. By letting God lead, I didn’t have to force a single solution. He provided what needed, even in the middle of what seemed like chaos to me.
Letting God move means that we learn to wait on Him. Even when our lives feel like a tornado or we stuck in a season of uncertainty, we wait. God likes to make us wait so that we can watch Him move miraculously in our favor.
LEAVE A COMMENT: Do you struggle with letting God lead? When do you get impatient and want to rush ahead of God?
by Barb Roose | Jul 31, 2018 | Women's Topics
It’s Sunday afternoon. I’m sitting at my departure gate at the Charlotte Airport, still hyped up by two glorious days at the She Speaks Conference hosted by Proverbs 31. Last summer I received an invitation to be a workshop presenter at this year’s conference. I loved attending as a participant in 2013 and 2014. Over the past twelve months, I prayed that God would use me to bless those ladies. On top of that She Speaks is a premier event, both highly respected and valued. I knew that teaching at the event would make the highlight reel of my career so far.
Little did I know that the 25 days before I left for the conference would be as P31 President Lysa TerKeurst characterized during her opening keynote message, “licking the floor of hell.”
Teaching at She Speaks Conference 2018 in the workshop “Keeping your J-O-B while launching your ministry.”
Figuring out how to start this post is tough, especially since the situation has been unfolding for many years and so much has happened just recently. I can’t really even point to a beginning, but by 2008 I realized that there might be an on-going problem. Back then, it was discussed. After, I figured that it was fixed. Then, a crisis in 2011, followed by a disaster in 2015. Now, this is just a season of on-going pain and loss.
It’s hard to figure out how to talk about something that you’re really not free to talk about…
If you come from a family that keeps white elephants as pets, you know what I mean. Over the past few years, I’ve tried to find ways to allude to what’s going on even though I couldn’t share the details. If you’ve read my Winning the Worry Battle book, there’s a low-key reference on page 14:
One of the scariest cliffhangers in my life has had me dangling by my fingertips on the edge for a few years. I wish I knew how or when it might end, but I don’t.
There’s another reference in the chapter titled, “Secret Weapon” on page 171:
Over the years, I’ve tried fasting periodically until a season of my life when my worry skyrocketed into the stratosphere. That new worry battle was either going to destroy me or create an opportunity for a new perspective on discipleship where I allowed God to reshape and remold me in a radical new way.”
Until recently, that was all that I could do. This might not be a big deal to you, but it has been painful for me. Integrity is at the top of my value list, along with authenticity and vulnerability. While our family and friends are fully aware of what’s been going on, it hasn’t been appropriate until now to talk about it in a public setting. In the past year, the gap between my ministry life and my actual life widened far past my comfort zone. I’ve felt the pain of that gap every single day. About 10 days ago I sensed a release from God to begin closing that gap.
But this means that I have to tell you the deepest, most painful place in my heart and life. It’s a raw, bleeding space with broken edges and dripping tears that I want to keep safe from criticism, gossip and well, nosy people. Telling my story opens up the possibility of more pain. But, as I learned last night when I spoke for the first time to a group of women at a Bible study at my church, maybe something good can happen. Like women who hugged my neck last night and whispered a low, “Thank you for sharing. This same situation happened to me.”
Here are words that I prayed for so long that I’d never have to say…
On July 1, I had to move myself and my two younger daughters out of our home and away from my husband of 26 years. I am the wife of a good man who struggles with a long-term alcohol addiction.
Family is a fabric. When someone we love begins to unravel, eventually we all fall apart. With a broken heart, I have to tell you that my family has fallen apart.
For the past 10 years, I’ve cried, plead, prayed, fasted, and begged God to rescue our family from a tool that Satan has been using to destroy someone that we deeply and dearly love.
If you grew up in a similar situation or lived in the pain of a marriage affected by this struggle, you know that every road is unique, but without recovery the end is the same – death. Without recovery, the destination of addiction spirals toward death, whether physical, relational, financial, or social, or a combination. We experienced some of this in our family, which led to the painful decision to separate.
While our family situation is complex, let me pause to emphasize three important things:
- My marriage and family are broken due to alcohol abuse, but there has never been a threat or instance of any physical or emotional abuse.
- I initiated the July separation as a last resort and in hope of future healing and restoration of our marriage and family.
- I am so grateful for recovery tools like Al-Anon as well as support from counseling, Bible study groups as well as our family and friends. I’ve used these tools and praise God for them! If you can relate to my story, I want to encourage you to jump into one of these recovery tools.
Clearly, there’s more talk about. Over the next few weeks, I’m going to talk about a few tough questions that I’ve wrestled through over the years. I’ll talk more about the mistakes that I’ve made, what God has taught me and most of all, examples of God’s favor and faithfulness even in the midst of our messy situation.
Words of life…
For the past year, there is a verse that has been central to my life and my soul survival. I think that now that you know a little more about my story, perhaps the following words that God spoke to a man named Joshua as he stood looking across the Jordan might look a little different to you. These words have bought great hope to my heart over the past year:
“This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9 NLT
As I wrote the Joshua Bible study, I clung to these words last summer. God has taught me so much over the past 10 years about walking by faith in uncertainty. Perhaps this is why this Joshua study is so precious to me.
I understand what it’s like to stand on the edge of unknown challenges and know that I’m going to have to fight for my life. I know what it’s like to face giant problems and solid walls that I can’t take down on my own. But, most importantly, over these many years, I’ve experienced the strength, courage and peace that comes when I remember that God is with me and for me in every circumstance, real or imagined. I learned that I can cry and carry a sword at the same time. I can wipe tears and still fight like a warrior.
Without a doubt, I know is that God taking care of each person in my family, even though He has allowed the heartache that we’re all experiencing.
God has given me the strength and courage to keep going in a year that I’ve lost my dad, my father-in-law, my husband (for now), and my home (for now). God’s strength and courage is the source of fuel for my soul. It has to be. There’s not a chance that I could have survived this year without God holding me tight. Not a chance. Too much has happened. Much more than I could handle on my own.
I might be brokenhearted, but I’m not beaten down.
Even though I’m hurting, I am filled with hope.
I believe in a God that can make all things new, even when all seems lost.
I know that God is faithful and able – whether He heals my marriage or He heals me.
I trust in God to deliver on His promises.
Thanks,
P.S. If you live in my community or go to my church, please be cool around my kids. They’ve been through a lot. They didn’t ask for a mom who works in public ministry and they are part of the reason why I’ve kept things private because it’s been tough. Please understand that they won’t feel comfortable talking about this at church or the grocery story – even if you have the best intentions. A simple smile or a quick “Praying for your family” will be welcomed and appreciated or you can email encouragement to barb@barbroose.com.
Your prayers for my family and other families like mine are welcome. If you are walking a similar road, I’d love to pray for you. In fact, if there is anything in your life that is stressing you out during the day or keeping you up at night, I’d love to pray for you. Click here to share your prayer request. When I pray for others, it helps me to stay others-centered and not get focused on myself.
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by Barb Roose | Jul 5, 2018 | Reflections
by Barb Roose
On the list of things that I hate in life, spiders lead the list. But, following close behind is when a server at a restaurant asks if I’m ready to order. Friends, I’m absolutely AWFUL at choosing what to eat. It doesn’t matter if I’m at a restaurant or my friendly neighborhood Chick-Fil-A. So many choices and I hate that I could make the wrong choice! Most of the time, I end up ordering the same thing just so that I can avoid the stress of chosing.
I wish that I was a little more like my friend, Ben. When he goes out to eat, he just tells the server to choose for him. That’s right! Ben lets the server make the choice and he’ll eat whatever the server brings. (If you ever decide to do that, let me know what happens!)
Making decisions can be so stressful. Perhaps you can relate to some of my thoughts:
- What if I make the wrong decision?
- What if someone gets hurt because I make the wrong choice?
- What if I hate the choice I make?
- What if there is something that I don’t know before I make this choice?
Any of those sound familiar? If so, you aren’t alone! Keep reading because I’m sharing wise words that I heard years ago that took the fear out of my decision making.
A few years ago I had a choice: stay at my beloved job working on a great church staff team and the security of a regular paycheck OR take a leap of faith into full time speaking and writing and give up my job, influence and financial security. I spent almost six months praying, working the numbers, and talking with friends. But, there came a time when I had to face my fork in the road and make a decision because the pressure of both was closing in. Anyone out there can relate?
What’s your “fork in the road?”
- Keeping your job or take a risk with a new career;
- Remaining in your hometown or move away to a new place with more opportunities;
- Saying “yes” to more influence and responsibility, but saying “yes” means a greater risk of failure;
- Staying in a friendship with an unreliable friend or nurture a promising new friendship;
Making decisions can be so stressful! How many times have you looked up and said, “God just tell me what to do!”
Too many times we think that there is only one right choice. Most times, both choices are right. But we think that God will only be on our side if we can just figure out the one choice that He prefers. But what if God isn’t as concerned about your choice, but your commitment to Him? Could the greater lesson be that God wants you to trust that His power to take care of you isn’t based on the choice you make, but WHO you’re trusting in when you make that choice.
Years ago I ran across a quote that helped me when I face forks in the road and have to make tough choices.
“Sometimes you make the right decision. Sometimes you make the decision right.”
Embedded in the wisdom of this quote is that both choices are God-honoring, that I’ve prayed for God’s wisdom and that I’ve asked others for wise counsel. Once all of that is done, then this quote has freed me to actually make my choices.
I can hear some you now: But Barb, what if I make the wrong choice? Then you make it right.
As far as I’m concerned, a wrong choice is when my decision moves me down a path away from of my relationship with God. That’s the flagship indicator of a wrong choice.
Important: Just because something is hard doesn’t mean that you’ve made the wrong choice. Often the harder choice is right because hard choices often mean we must trust God more. When you step out in faith you’ll discover that Satan wants to discourage your attempt at faith by throwing obstacles in your way to get you to question God’s ability to take care of you.
By the way, remember this: Sweet friend, there are few things in life that cannot be undone. And for a path that we choose that can’t be undone, then we trust God to take care of us as we forge our way.
As far as my journey a few years ago, I made the hard, hard choice to leave my staff job. As soon as I made the decision, I felt such peace after weeks of agonizing over the choice. But, I also cried every day for six weeks after making the choice because I knew what my choice ultimately meant. Furthermore, two weeks after I left my job, a financial crisis hit my family. Com’on God, are you kidding me, was my first thought. But, instead of regretting my choice or beating myself up for leaving, I let the shock pass and I dug my feet into praying and trusted God. It took six months for things to calm down. So, that meant that I had six months to learn more about trusting God in new ways.
COMMENT: How do you feel about the quote? Are there choices that you’re worrying about today? How can we pray for you?
by Barb Roose | Jun 19, 2018 | Better Together Podcast
“If we hide the fact that Dad drinks too much, then no one will know.”
Did you grow up in a home where things like drinking or drugs weren’t talked about? Too often, when someone that we love is struggling, silence seems easier than saying something or possibly the wrong thing.
Today, I’m talking with author Kimberly Dewberry about her new book, Three Weeks to Forgiveness, which tells her story of God’s redemption in the dark places of addiction. In our conversation today, Kimberly talks about what it was like growing up with an addicted parent and perhaps, her reflections and stories might hit close to home.
Here is a recap of some of the questions that I asked Kimberly today. I’d encourage you to listen to and share today’s interview if you grew up with an alcoholic family or you know someone currently living in that difficult situation.
What are your earliest memories of your dad’s addiction in your life?
“I remember going through hiding places where my dad would hide his partial or empty bottles. My mom wanted me to help her get rid of my Dad’s alcohol and get it out of the house. But I didn’t understand what we were doing. At that point, I started to blame myself. Somehow, I thought that I was the one who made my dad start drinking again. I thought that I was being punished for something. At the time, I didn’t understand the feelings that I was having until I began going through recovery later in life.”
If you could go back and talk to yourself at 15 years old, what would you tell her?
“If I could go back and talk to my 15-year old self I would say, ‘You did not cause this. This isn’t something that we caused or something that we could control. Honey, your mom doesn’t know what to do. She’s desperate. She reached out to you because she didn’t know what else to do.'”
As a teen, how did you react to your dad’s alcoholism?
“I was rebellious. I made horrible choices as a teenager and during much of my adult life. I was constantly searching for something and at the time I didn’t know what I was searching for. Now, I know that I was searching for confirmation that I was loved.”
How did your dad’s alcoholism make you feel about yourself?
“I equated my dad’s isolation and silence with lack of love. That carried over to other relationships. So in other relationships, I felt that if they weren’t talking to me, then they didn’t love me.”
What role did God play in your life? Why did you turn away from God?
“Our family didn’t go to church when I was a kid. I got saved in my 20’s but one of the most important things that I didn’t have was a good mentor to help me or guide me. I was trying to do it on my own, but I didn’t know what to do. So, when I turned away from God, it was really out of selfishness.
I wasn’t angry or bitter at God. But I had done so many bad things that I didn’t feel like God could love me anymore. I felt like God was so disappointed with me. I thought that I was too far gone, so that’s why I turned away from God.”
What negative behaviors/patterns did you struggle with during your adult years?
“I’ve been married three times. I constantly sought my value in relationships, especially with men.” I also struggled with co-dependent tendencies. I thought that I’d be happy as long as everyone else is happy. So, I tried to control people, situations, finances, outcomes ,and kids. I felt so out of control on the inside that I tried to control everyone else on the outside.”
How did your dad come to live with your family before he died?
“After years away from the family and living on the streets, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He was released from the hospital and since he had nowhere to go, he came to live with me. It had been five years since I’d seen my dad.
It was through those three weeks of dad living in our home, that was the major event though God broke down the walls of anger, bitterness and how to show grace and forgiveness to my dad. I had a brick wall around my heart and God broke that wall down during those three weeks.”
What does it mean for you to find recovery as an adult child of an alcoholic?
“Who I am isn’t defined by my past. Who I am is defined by Christ. And I could not have realized that if it hadn’t been for God bringing Dad back into our lives for such a short period of time. After Dad died, I was grieving a lot. I got help from a Christian counselor and that’s when I heard terms like “adult child of an alcoholic” and “recovery.” I was really confused because I thought that it was my Dad with the problem. But, I realized that I needed help, so I started with Al-Anon and then moved over to Celebrate Recovery.
In recovery, I realized that I had a problem, too. I have issues that I need to work on. I cannot control what other people do, I cannot control what other people say and I cannot control how other people act. Through recovery I was able to see that God is in control and He is the one that plans our steps. It’s our decisions and our free will that allow us to either go God’s way or our own way. I have learned that by going God’s way that I can have peace, serenity, and love.”
Who needs to attend a recovery program?
Sometimes, we don’t know that we need recovery until we start going. If you are feeling out of control and yet you try to control everyone, then consider talking to a licensed therapist/counselor, Al-Anon, or Celebrate Recovery.
Connect with Kimberly – Three Weeks to Forgiveness Book | Facebook | IG | Twitter
About Kimberly Dewberry
Kimberly Dewberry struggled for 25 years to cope with the pain, hurt, guilt, regret, unworthiness, and shame brought on by her father’s addictions. Because of the loving grace of Jesus Christ, she has broken free from the shackles of rebellion and anger, and made it her life’s mission to share her journey through courageous prose.
Kimberly and her husband Patrick are the parents of 6 grown children between them and live in the Dallas area with their two super cute Boston terriers, Delilah and Daphne. Kimberly enjoys writing, reading, Bible art journaling, participating in Bible studies, and dating her husband.
SHARE A COMMENT WITH US: Did you grow up in an alcoholic home? How did your parent’s disease affect your life? How did God help you deal with the pain and brokenness?
by Barb Roose | Jun 11, 2018 | Women's Topics
by Barb Roose
Do you remember that 90’s song, “Y’all gonna make me lose my mind / Up in here, Up in here”?
While a hugely popular rap song, it’s also the unofficial anthem of the super-stressed out or anxious person. It’s the kind of song you’re tempted to spit out when the unexpected or uninvited chaos pushes you mentally, emotionally, or financially toward the edge. Have you ever felt like you might lose your mind over the following:
- …Your car repair cost may require listing your kidney on Ebay;**
- …You have to wait all weekend to call the doctor for test results on Monday morning;
- …You’ve been hearing layoffs rumors.
When uncertainty or chaos lands in our lives, our bodies feel the stress and we experience symptoms like: a racing heartbeat, nausea, sweaty palms, numbness, or the inability to sleep. It’s so hard to pray when we’re feeling stressed out! Yet, connecting with God is our best chance to find help and hope in our chaotic or uncertain situations.
A few weeks ago, I was heading out of town for multiple speaking engagements the weekend that my new book and Joshua Bible study launched. It was an important weekend! So, when I lost my rental car keys and then found them locked in my regular car (and my husband had the only keys to that car), my stress level soared through the roof.
Yet, I knew that I couldn’t let my emotions be in charge of the situation because God was truly in control.
So, I activated one of the tools that I developed to help me reduce those physical anxiety symptoms so that I could reconnect with God. It’s called the CALM Technique. This is one of the many tools that I’ve included in my new book, Winning the Worry Battle. Give it a try!
- Count to 10 (Inhale on the number; Exhale the word MISSISSIPPI)
- Acknowledge God’s presence by saying: God, I know that You’re here with me right now
- List – Tell God what you are afraid of or worried about
- Meditate – Keep repeating the following: God is here and He will take care of me/this
This exercise can reduce your physical distress so that you can open up a conversation with God. I love this tool because it equips us to walk in the blessing of God’s promise in Joshua 1:9: “This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (NLT)
I don’t know what’s on your mind today. But, if you’re prone to meltdowns like me, practice the C.A.L.M. technique a few times today. Then you’ll be ready to use this tool to help you calm down during anxious times and connect with the God who promises to take care of you.
**Okay, so listing kidneys on Ebay is sooooo illegal. But, I don’t think that I needed to tell you that…
JOIN THE CONVERSATION: What are you stressed out about today?
by Barb Roose | Jun 4, 2018 | Better Together Podcast
If you’ve struggled with praying, figuring out what to say, felt guilty about not praying enough, or wondered about does prayer even make a difference, today’s episode is for you!
This week’s Better Together guest is best selling author, Janet McHenry. Janet is a national speaker and author of 23 books, including six on prayer, most notably the best-selling PrayerWalk and her new book, The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus, which is being released this week.
Janet’s prayer walking practices have been featured in magazines such as Health and Family Circle, and she has been interviewed widely on national and local radio programs about prayer and prayer-walking. A recently retired English teacher and academic advisor, Janet and her husband Craig have raised four children in the Sierra Valley, where she loves walking with her Personal Trainer, Jesus.
On this week’s episode, Janet and I discuss:
- How falling down her steps helped Janet discover a new way to pray;
- How God used a baby and single dad to teach Janet a powerful lesson about praying for others;
- How to pray “two-sided coin” prayers (love this!)
- Hope if you’ve been wondering if prayer really matters.
Janet will be such an encouragement to you if prayer has been tricky. She gives some great advice as well as shares stories from how others have leaned into prayer for everyday life.
Janet’s book, The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus: What Jesus Prayed and How It Can Change Your Life Today, is now available at Christian bookstores and all online booksellers. So many speakers and authors that I admire have amazing things to say about this book.
BEST OF ALL! Janet also sent me a copy to give away to one of you! Just leave a comment on the below about this episode and I’ll pick a winner on Wednesday, June 13.
LINKS FROM TODAY’S SHOW:
Janet McHenry’s website | Facebook | Prayer Walking
The Complete Guide to the Prayers of Jesus: What Jesus Prayed and How It Can Change Your Life Today
50 Life Lessons for Grads
About the Better Together podcast?
Barb Roose is host of the Better Together podcast. She is a speaker and author with a passion to help women win at life with strength and dignity. Barb has been speaking at women’s conferences, events and retreats since 2005. She is the author of multiple books and Bible studies, including the new book Winning the Worry Battle and Bible study Joshua: Winning the Worry Battle.
Barb and her husband, Matt are the parents of three daughters, Kate, Sami ,and Abbie. They love their dog, Quimby and a now 10-year old rabbit that threatens to live forever. She loves Jesus, new adventures, her FitBit, chocolate peanut butter ice cream, and fabulous high heels.
by Barb Roose | May 23, 2018 | Better Together Podcast
What are you missing out on if you aren’t connected with any millennials?
It’s become really easy for us to criticize the Millennial generation, those individuals born between 1981 and 1996 (according to Pew Research). How many times have you heard or maybe you referred to Millennials as “entitled” or said “they have a poor work ethic”?
My Better Together guest today is the exact opposite of the common (and untrue) stereotypes attributed to today’s Millennials. Lauren Gaskill is a speaker, author, podcaster, and entrepreneur – and she’s 25 years old. That’s right! Seriously, what were you doing at 25?
Lauren has been my friend for a long time – I’m so excited that you get to meet her. Lauren emailed me years ago because she wanted to connect with women in ministry who were farther down the road in experience and faith. But, friends, I’ve learned so much from this brilliant young woman.
Her first book, Into the Deep, comes out in November 2018 (Abingdon Press). A long-time competitive swimmer, Lauren uses water as a word picture and writes about intentionally stepping out in faith and asking Jesus to show up big in our lives. While many of us get accustomed to playing it safe, this young woman just might light a fire under your complacency as you listen to her today.
Lauren knows what it’s like to face real struggle, both in circumstances and faith. She was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome years ago. It’s a connective tissue disorder that often leaves her in tremendous pain and suffering from anxiety.
“A year ago, I was in a pretty bad spot. I remember looking at my husband and saying, “‘I think that I might need to be in a psych ward.’ It was a scary place. I am so glad that my faith got me through it. The Jesus inside of me is stronger than the darkness that tries to overtake me.”
Girl, preach.
During today’s conversation, you get the chance to hear from one of the best and brightest leaders that we have, especially in the Church today.
CONVERSATION STARTERS WITH MILLENNIALS
If you feel like God wants you to invest more of your life and time into the young people at your church or in your community, here are few “conversation starters”:
- Who are the people that you admire?
- What kind of parent do you want to be?
- If you could fix any problem in the world, what would it be?
- What are some issues that older adults get crazy about that you don’t understand?
- In addition to preaching the Gospel, how else can the Church help you grow in your faith?
- How can I help you?
LINKS FROM TODAY’S PODCAST
Lauren Gaskill Website | Facebook
Ticket information – She Found Joy Tour (Fall 2018)
Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome
About the Better Together podcast…
Barb Roose is host of the Better Together podcast. She is a speaker and author with a passion to help women win at life with strength and dignity. Barb has been speaking at women’s conferences, events and retreats since 2005. She is the author of multiple books and Bible studies, including the new book Winning the Worry Battle and Bible study Joshua: Winning the Worry Battle.
Barb and her husband, Matt are the parents of three daughters, Kate, Sami, and Abbie. They love their dog, Quimby and a 9-year old rabbit that threatens to live forever. She loves Jesus, new adventures, her FitBit, chocolate peanut butter ice cream, and fabulous high heels.
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by Barb Roose | May 9, 2018 | Better Together Podcast
Are you or someone that you know a planning a wedding? Are you a soon-to-be-bride, mother-of-the-bride, or mother-of-the-groom?
If so, this episode of the Better Together podcast is a must-listen for some of the do’s and don’ts when it comes to wedding fashion and family dynamics.
My guest this week is my fabulous friend and America’s leading Christian fashion consultant, Shari Braendel. She’s a popular guest on my Better Together podcast and on this episode, Shari shows up with some important rules and must-do’s when it comes to weddings.
Not only does she provide helpful information, but as Shari will be the mother-of-the-groom at her son’s wedding in just a couple of weeks, she lets us into what God has been teaching her about loving and letting go. It’s a touching, emotional conversation that any mom with a wedding coming up needs to hear. (You might want to grab a tissue!)
In our conversation, Shari answers questions like:
- What are the rules for when the mother-of-the-bride and mother-of-the-groom decide to pick their dresses?
- What kind of dress is best for your body type?
- When it comes to making decisions about the wedding, who should get first choice?
- How can you navigate hurt feelings and difficult moments while planning the wedding with the other side of the family?
- How can a mother-of-the-bride or mother-of-the-groom prepare her heart for the emotional “letting go” on the wedding day?
AND WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Are you attending a wedding this summer? If so, Shari helps you identify your body type and what kind of dress will look best on you. Friends, I use Shari’s style advice all of the time, so listen and be blessed!
BONUS! If you’ve got wedding fashion questions or questions of the heart, Shari would love to answer them. Leave them on the blog page of this podcast!
GET CONNECTED TO SHARI
Website | Facebook
Shari’s 27 Hangers Online Course
Shari’s book – Help Me Jesus, I Have Nothing to Wear
Breakaway 2018 Conference on June 15-16 in Concord, NC
About Barb…
Barb Roose is the host of the Better Together podcast. She’s a popular conference speaker and author of multiple books and Bible studies including her new book, Winning the Worry Battle and six-week Bible study called, Joshua: Winning the Worry Battle. Barb and her family live in NW Ohio. She loves travel, chocolate peanut ice cream and fabulous high heel shoes. Connect with Barb at Barbroose.com for new episodes of the Better Together podcast on the first and third Wednesdays of each month.
